English Class Poem (Constructive Criticism)

[Pigs on Unicycles]

This is a poem I wrote for my English class and I have to read it aloud so I thought that you all could maybe help me with some criticism.

Music

The soothing melodies float through the air without weight
Making you feel as if there is no one to hate
You feel as though you are floating up to the sky
Looking down at the world you wave good bye

The beat moves like a train through the mountains
It spews from the speakers as though it is the water from a fountain
As the beat bounds quickly from the drum
Your body slowly becomes increasingly numb.

The vocals come to your ears with power
There is a feeling that it brings, hour after hour
Powerfully, it moves you into another dimension
To old people it may create tension

When the guitar begins to play
Your mind soothingly goes away
It goes flying away to another planet
Were the world stops, like it is stuck in granite

Some music makes you become soothed
While other music makes you feel moved
Some music helps pump you up
Other music can be played while drinking from teacups

Thanks a bunch,

Gene

[hobo_chuck]

http://unicyclist.com/forums/showthread.php?t=80660

[JJuggle]

You have a very fine poem there. It is expressive and evocative and clearly means something to you. You've got some workable and appropriate metaphors too.

If I were to offer some criticism, I would say that it does not leave a whole lot to the imagination. That is to say its meaning is very direct and it does not offer the reader the chance to bring their own experiences and inner feelings to the reading. But this may be one of the hardest things to achieve in writing, so don't let it bring you down. I'm not a writer and I can only guess that it comes with time.

Overall, I'd say nice job.

[BillyTheMountain]

Originally Posted by Pigs on Unicycles

This is a poem I wrote for my English class and I have to read it aloud so I thought that you all could maybe help me with some criticism.

Music

The soothing melodies float through the air without weight
Making you feel as if there is no one to hate
You feel as though you are floating up to the sky
Looking down at the world you wave good bye

The beat moves like a train through the mountains
It spews from the speakers as though it is water from FOUNTAINS
As the beat bounds quickly from the drum
Your body slowly becomes increasingly numb.

The vocals come to your ears with power
There is a feeling that it brings, hour after hour
Powerfully, it moves you into another dimension
To old people it may create tension

When the guitar begins to play
Your mind soothingly goes away
It goes flying away to another planet
Were the world stops, like it is stuck in granite

Some music makes you become soothed
While other music makes you feel moved
Some music * pump you upS
Other music can be played while drinking from teacups

Thanks a bunch,

Gene

Nice work, there!

I agree with JJuggle completely!

And... it's exactly why they need to control or ban that kind of music.

We don't need anymore kids with their minds gone flying away to another planet, as you say. There's enough of that already.

There's a poem Raphael wrote, and he gives all kids permission to call it their own, if you want to get sent to the psychiatrist and get expelled! or if you got a buddy who shows up without his poem, give him this one. It's called "I love Honky music" It's filled with guns and killing and Columbine. You can do the poem without saying any actual swear words, too. Just use the letters in the poem. F-n B-s and Ho-s, etc.

I'm hoping he'll share it with you.

[unicyclerider]

I think your poem is decent. It gives the audience a viewpoint and one is able to visualize sitting listening to music. I think the reader would be able to relate. Nice job, thanks for sharing.

[justtysen]

Originally Posted by Pigs on Unicycles

The soothing melodies float through the air without weight
Making you feel as if there is no one to hate
You feel as though you are floating up to the sky
Looking down at the world you wave good bye

The beat moves like a train through the mountains
It spews from the speakers as though it is the water from a fountain
As the beat bounds quickly from the drum
Your body slowly becomes increasingly numb.

The vocals come to your ears with power
There is a feeling that it brings, hour after hour
Powerfully, it moves you into another dimension
To old people it may create tension

When the guitar begins to play
Your mind soothingly goes away
It goes flying away to another planet
Were the world stops, like it is stuck in granite

Some music makes you become soothed
While other music makes you feel moved
Some music helps pump you up
Other music can be played while drinking from teacups

Try not to repeat words or ideas unless you are doing it for effect. For exampe the repeatition of some music makes/ other music makes in the last stanza is seems deliberately rhythmic.

The beginning lines:
Making you feel as if there is no one to hate
You feel as though you are floating up to the sky

...are another good example of this, but unfortunately the association is weakened by later haphazard uses of both the word feel and the simile function as if, as though. Their effect of repetition in these two lines is also dependent on your emphasis during reading. If you make the similarities apparent in your reading they will sound intentional, but if you read through flatly then it might just appear to be lacking diversity.

The structure of the narrative in the poem is a different issue. I like how you devote the first 4 stanzas each to a musical element, as if you were building a song. I would probably save melody for last or second last, but I might be getting to literal about it. Something that will be directly unsettling, however, is the last stanza. It does not offer a conclusion to the set up. You go from describing the accumulation of musical feeling to listing different types, without tying back into the central theme of musical transcendence.

I also think that while you like about aged tension might get a few laughs it is divergent from your point and a bit of a throw away rhyme.

Speaking of which are you slant rhymes for mountains/fountain and up/teacups intentional? It doesn't seem like it'd be that awkward to reword them as both singular or plural.

In the end everything is a stylistic choice, and the best advice I can give is to be aware of what you are doing and why, even if it doesn't agree with somebody else's opinion of what's best.

[Jeremy R]

music sooths you
music moves you
music pumps you up
music can be played while drinking from teacups

I think that removing Makes from it makes it stronger (oh looksy, I dunnit!).

Also Some and Others arn't powerful words. Either say the specifics, or leave them blank. Blank makes it more universal, while genre specific more personal.

Also YOU is a weak word. When you say you, it gives no explicit who.


Of course, this is all stylistic, and depending on the mood you want, make a choice

[saskatchewanian]

I generally like it, the last 3/5 feels stronger than the first 2/5. I would try to shorten the lines a bit making them a bit less awkward.

maybe something like:

Soothing melodies float without weight
Making you feel there is no one to hate
as though you are floating up to the sky
to the world below you wave good bye


I really like your rhyming and metaphors. Good work.