Unicyclist Community

home gallery forums webmail links map donate
Go Back   Unicyclist Community > Non-unicycling Discussion > Just Conversation & Introduce Yourself

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread Display Modes
Old 2007-07-28, 06:07 AM   #1
trumpetmonster
...it's not just for breakfast.
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Tucson, AZ
Age: 41
Posts: 15
Divorced Unicyclists

I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?
trumpetmonster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-28, 06:35 AM   #2
puresyn
Draggin Knee on One or Two
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: San Diego
Age: 42
Posts: 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by trumpetmonster
I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?
Hey bro, I've been there on both ends. Wasn't wife, but fiance. Things happen for a reason, and perhaps this is the universe to set you free to find another. That's what I kept telling myself and it seemed to help take the edge off.

Later I found another girl, and we were together for almost 3 years until last week when she finally had to go back home to Japan for good. Sadly, I found out 2 months ago out that she knew how to unicycle also.

I try to ride around and or tinker with my unicycles when I miss her. It seems to help a bit. I am very sorry for your loss. Good luck to you.


Sean
__________________
Everyone dies, but not everyone lives.
puresyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-28, 06:53 AM   #3
SARIN
Tattoo artist
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: St. Cloud, Minnesota
Age: 36
Posts: 94
Quote:
Originally Posted by trumpetmonster
How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?

Sharpen the kitchen knives obsessively...just remember to cut the phone lines first.

It's 2007 and it's happening to everybody. Whether it's a great girlfriend of only 2 weeks, or in your case a marraige...it's probably going to end. The same exact thing happened to my parents right after thier 20th anniversary. We are not living by our grandparents morals, and people these days treat wedding vows as if they were written on toilet paper.

I'd say the best thing for you to do is focus on your current hobbies. Or maybe it's time to pick up a new one now that you'll have more "You Time". Take major advantage of that before another lady crosses your path.

There are plenty of fish out there, so keep options open, and try not to be too bitter towards the next one...I usually am. And for those who believe in "soul mates".....we'll probably never know, or meet them. Chances are we just gave our "soul mate" the finger for cutting us off at the last traffic light.

I'd personally take this time of sorrow to buy yourself something nice......perhaps that new unicycle that you've always wanted.
__________________
http://www.SarinArt.com
SARIN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-28, 07:03 AM   #4
Jerrick
King of Carnies
 
Jerrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Spokane, WA
Age: 25
Posts: 9,744
Send a message via MSN to Jerrick
Unicycles wont leave you for another, and are great, take the time now to fully enjoy your riding. Have any goals? Long distance riding across the states or anywhere? Go out and do them!

The loss is gonna suck as you know, but now the time to try not to think of it much, shit happens and then we move on.

I havent gone through a bad breakup or divorce, but that is what id do if/ when it ever happens. Go out and have fun, forget the bad, remember the good, move on to the better.
__________________
Just bumming around MR~~~~~~~~~Team Forrest~~~~~~~~~Team Dirty Bird!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Check out my Band.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!Quack!~~~~Team Spencer!~~~Member of the MRIS.
Want some advice? Do better.
~Jerrick
Jerrick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-30, 06:04 PM   #5
cathwood
Life's a beach
 
cathwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Prestatyn
Age: 48
Posts: 3,687
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerrick
I havent gone through a bad breakup or divorce, but that is what id do if/ when it ever happens. Go out and have fun, forget the bad, remember the good, move on to the better.
Just like that!

I divorced my then husband over twelve years ago now.

I felt so guilty I let him walk away with all the money.

I've never regretted it, although it was hard at the time. He really messed the kids about.

Anyway, I have been happily married to someone else for the past nine years.

I don't know about morals. I can't think that to remain unhappily married to an alcoholic who never spent any time at home would be any more or less moral than divorcing him.

Times are changing. Perhaps people are less willing to put up with unhappiness now. Certainly there is more emphasis on individual fulfillment, rather than working for the family/society. But perhaps it is time to work to make the changing times easier on the children that it affects, rather than harking back to more 'moral' times.
__________________
Cathy
cathwood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-30, 06:47 PM   #6
underdog
Most of the level 3 stuff now
 
underdog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Flagstaff, Arizona
Age: 59
Posts: 970
It's been 12 years since I got divorced. It really sucked at the time. She hit me with it out of the blue. In retrospect, it was a good thing. It allowed me to make changes in my life that have been for the best. I've grown more than I would have had I stayed in that marriage and have since re-married. It's OK to get mad and grieve and let your emotions take over for a bit, but, don't let them take you over. I dwelled and dwelled on my divorce and let it consume me. I was miserable and felt sorry for myself and started to have a real problem with alcohol. I took much too long to get over it. Try to get on with your life as soon as possible.
__________________
'I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different' - Kurt Vonnegut
underdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-30, 08:00 PM   #7
Mikefule
Roland Hope School of Unicycling
 
Mikefule's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Long Bennington, Lincolnshire, England.
Posts: 6,608
Wow, what a deeply personal thread. So just a gentle reminder to everyone that what you post here can be read by strangers and friends alike, not only today, but in a year or two years, or more. Sometimes the semi-anonymous nature of the web makes us reveal more than we ought to.

I married my childhood sweetheart. The marriage went downhill very quickly, but I never considered leaving until one day she said "one of us has to go". Until then, I felt bound by our mutual vows. Even though I have no religion, a vow is a vow, and all that. Once she had openly said that giving up was an option, something clicked, and within a month or two I had gone.

Like many people after a first divorce, I felt not that I had lost something precious, but that I had left behind a stage of my life. In the old order of things, marriage and parenthood were the "rites of passage". In today's society, it is almost as if the first divorce is the moment when you grow up and face the world properly, alone and on your own two feet.

As for how to keep sane: I believe the important thing is to be content with the person you are; learn to be happy alone. If you can do that, and then find someone to share it with, that's a bonus.

If you feel that your life can only be complete if you have the perfect "other half" then you are placing a burden on them that will add a strain to the relationship. You will be loving what they represent, not loving who they are.

Most people are not happy most of the time. We have stress at work, health problems, mortgages, bills, taxes... yet our society makes us believe we ought to be happy (and slim, and fit, and young...) and we feel depressed because we are failing to achieve the impossible.

And most of us manage with an imperfect home, and imperfect car, or bike, a job we often hate, and so on, but somehow we expect our relationships to be perfect. Why? A relationship is made of two people. No one is perfect, so simple arithmetic shows that a relationship will be imperfection squared. Live with it, enjoy the good bits, tolerate the bad bits, and be confident that you could live without it if you had to. It is often people who expect a perfect relationship who have affairs, or leave, looking ofr that "Holy Grail". Very few find it.

My father had a 30 year marriage (not to my mother - that was about 30 weeks!) and had ups and downs. Just as they became happy and contented together, she developed cancer and died, ten years younger than him, and he likely to live another 15-20 years. Relationships are no more reliable or "theft proof" than cars.
__________________
My unicycle doesn't make me a clown or you a comedian.
Mikefule is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-30, 09:05 PM   #8
cathwood
Life's a beach
 
cathwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Prestatyn
Age: 48
Posts: 3,687
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikefule
Wow, what a deeply personal thread. So just a gentle reminder to everyone that what you post here can be read by strangers and friends alike, not only today, but in a year or two years, or more. Sometimes the semi-anonymous nature of the web makes us reveal more than we ought to.
My current 'supervisor' at work told me the other day that prospective employers are now likely to 'google' prospective new staff to see what the internet has to say about them!
__________________
Cathy
cathwood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-30, 10:17 PM   #9
underdog
Most of the level 3 stuff now
 
underdog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Flagstaff, Arizona
Age: 59
Posts: 970
Quote:
Originally Posted by cathwood
My current 'supervisor' at work told me the other day that prospective employers are now likely to 'google' prospective new staff to see what the internet has to say about them!

Hence, the true beauty of user-names (though 'Underdog' is my real name ). The company I work for makes no secret of the fact that they'll at least take a peek at Myspace concerning prospective employees. It's definitely in the public domain.

Mikefule speaks of great wisdom. Learning to be comfortable and happy with yourself and by yourself is a very important life lesson.
__________________
'I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different' - Kurt Vonnegut
underdog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-07-31, 12:57 AM   #10
BillyTheMountain
Happy Wal-Mart Employee
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: NYC, USA
Posts: 12,238
Quote:
Originally Posted by trumpetmonster
I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?
To each his own, but I personally like the advice this guy gave on another thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by trumpetmonster
Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Seven weeks into it now and I'm still learning. Sometimes I go 200 feet, sometimes two. I'm going to get it one of these days and so will you. I have faith.
With my marriage, 15 years and I'm still learning. Sometimes I go 200 feet, sometimes two. I'm going to get it one of these days and so will you. I have faith.

And whether I take my marriage 200 feet before I fall on my face, or two feet, I love my wife dearly, and I would TRY to keep her, to win her back. I just treasure her too much to file for divorce.

You can still unfile. You can go to France, rekindle the early days when she was teaching you French, and she so inspired you to learn. It's much cheaper than a divorce.

Personally, I would NOT have filed for divorce, and that seems rash. What was her reaction? Can she possibly be happy with how easily you dispose of her? Were you able to make her feel loved? Did you notice her absence all this time (emotional or otherwise?)? Did you complain and try to pull her back into the marriage?

In the USA, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 50% of 2nd marriages as well! A compatible spouse is created, molded lovingly, not simply found off the rack.

BTM
__________________
While you and I are having our cake-and-ice-cream party, the others are having a drink-the-blood-of-the-poor party in the back room. --[QUOTE=maestro8;1433130]

Last edited by BillyTheMountain; 2007-07-31 at 12:58 AM.
BillyTheMountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-08-23, 03:13 AM   #11
BillyTheMountain
Happy Wal-Mart Employee
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: NYC, USA
Posts: 12,238
Here is a lesson in killing threads, for those who wish to learn from an expert.
__________________
While you and I are having our cake-and-ice-cream party, the others are having a drink-the-blood-of-the-poor party in the back room. --[QUOTE=maestro8;1433130]
BillyTheMountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-08-23, 10:04 AM   #12
GILD
Waffle-Tosser, Time-bider and JCTK
 
GILD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: the bustling metropolis of Nelspruitia, south africa
Age: 46
Posts: 15,976
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikefule
Even though I have no religion, a vow is a vow, and all that.
I knew there was a reason I like you.



This might be a bit extreme, but it might also be worth a read.
GILD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-08-23, 02:05 PM   #13
podzol
"Not I," said the duck.
 
podzol's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Rhizosphere
Age: 47
Posts: 1,757
Quote:
Originally Posted by trumpetmonster
I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?
Been there. Joining the circus is the sweetest revenge, especially if you join it with your kids and it tours Bolivia soon.

Hang in there. If she did those things, she wasn't worth your time.
podzol is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-08-25, 03:12 AM   #14
BillyTheMountain
Happy Wal-Mart Employee
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: NYC, USA
Posts: 12,238
consumption that signals our status to others: trophy wives

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikefule
And most of us manage with an imperfect home, and imperfect car, or bike, a job we often hate, and so on, but somehow we expect our relationships to be perfect. Why? A relationship is made of two people. No one is perfect, so simple arithmetic shows that a relationship will be imperfection squared. Live with it, enjoy the good bits, tolerate the bad bits, and be confident that you could live without it if you had to. It is often people who expect a perfect relationship who have affairs, or leave, looking ofr that "Holy Grail". Very few find it.
And like your unicycle, which was shiny and new at the beginning, relationships need maintenance.

Odds are a unicycle that breaks down had some inherent flaws, or the maintenance was neglected.

Problem is, it's hard to find the education in relationship maintenance in the USA, which is why MOST never make it to marriage, 50% of marriages end, and 50% of 2nd marriages end. And such a course would be much more Affective (Emotional) than Cognitive.

Thurston Veblen's planned obsolesence in capitolist cultures seems to have spread to marriage, too, sadly.

Billy

a book, Transcending the Economy, states: A good deal of our consumption is what Fred Hirsch, following Veblen, described as positional; in other words, consumption that is supposed to
signal our status to others (Hirsch 1976) [trophy wives]. Enhancement of positional consumption does little to make our society better off. I can only climb up a rung on the positional ladder by ensuring that someone else declines. In this sense, positional consumption is a zero sum game that leads to no gain at all for society.

In another sense, positional consumption is a negative sum game fueled by
the profit motive. Hemlines rise and fall in order to make people dissatisfied with last year's wardrobe.
__________________
While you and I are having our cake-and-ice-cream party, the others are having a drink-the-blood-of-the-poor party in the back room. --[QUOTE=maestro8;1433130]
BillyTheMountain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2007-08-25, 08:58 PM   #15
cathwood
Life's a beach
 
cathwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Prestatyn
Age: 48
Posts: 3,687
Quote:
Originally Posted by BillyTheMountain
And like your unicycle, which was shiny and new at the beginning, relationships need maintenance.

Odds are a unicycle that breaks down had some inherent flaws, or the maintenance was neglected.

Problem is, it's hard to find the education in relationship maintenance in the USA, which is why MOST never make it to marriage, 50% of marriages end, and 50% of 2nd marriages end. And such a course would be much more Affective (Emotional) than Cognitive.

Thurston Veblen's planned obsolesence in capitolist cultures seems to have spread to marriage, too, sadly.

Billy
That's all very well but when marriage first came into being people (well men anyway) didn't get married until they were about 30. Then they died when they were about 50.

Women got married younger (teenagers) but then often died in childbirth.

So the man would marry again.

In those days they didn't need divorces. If the worst came to the wost the man could always have his wife admitted to the local insane asylum for something horrendous like having an affair, not doing as she was told, cutting her hair and so on. When I was doing my nurse training (aprox 15 yrs ago) there were still women alive who had been admitted by their husbands for such crimes and who had lived there ever since.

My basic point is that marriage was never designed/expected to last many years. Certainly not as long as people expect marriages to last these days.

So where did the idea that marriage should last forever come from? And why?

Marriages probably came into being because people couldn't survive on their own and needed to join forces with another family. People got married for political and Political reasons.

This is rarely true now (in this culture).

So why do we still believe that marriage should last forever?

Yes, it's nice if it does. But some people suffer great hardship in their relationships. Statistically the most dangerous place for a woman is in her home.

Clearly the cultural ideal of mum and dad being married forever is not true for at least half of families, in the USA anyway, so isn't it time we stopped harping back to something that was never true in the first place and think of a way to make the current relationship situation easier on the children involved. Being more honest and flexible about the modern family would at least be a start.
__________________
Cathy

Last edited by cathwood; 2007-08-25 at 09:01 PM.
cathwood is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
divorced, unicyclists


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
aim unicyclists! mornish Just Conversation & Introduce Yourself 10 2007-02-10 12:25 AM
Pro Unicyclists benjaug General Unicycling Discussions 35 2006-07-12 11:47 PM
How many unicyclists out there? UniTyler General Unicycling Discussions 26 2005-10-27 01:43 PM
unicyclists in eng puzzled General Unicycling Discussions 7 2004-08-30 02:05 PM
Mean Unicyclists Ender General Unicycling Discussions 22 2003-05-13 11:58 PM


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:01 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2013, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 2001-2013 Gilby
You Rated this Thread:
Page generated in 0.13346 seconds with 10 queries