Divorced Unicyclists

[trumpetmonster]

I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?

[puresyn]

Originally Posted by trumpetmonster

I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?

Hey bro, I've been there on both ends. Wasn't wife, but fiance. Things happen for a reason, and perhaps this is the universe to set you free to find another. That's what I kept telling myself and it seemed to help take the edge off.

Later I found another girl, and we were together for almost 3 years until last week when she finally had to go back home to Japan for good. Sadly, I found out 2 months ago out that she knew how to unicycle also.

I try to ride around and or tinker with my unicycles when I miss her. It seems to help a bit. I am very sorry for your loss. Good luck to you.


Sean

[SARIN]

Originally Posted by trumpetmonster

How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?

Sharpen the kitchen knives obsessively...just remember to cut the phone lines first.

It's 2007 and it's happening to everybody. Whether it's a great girlfriend of only 2 weeks, or in your case a marraige...it's probably going to end. The same exact thing happened to my parents right after thier 20th anniversary. We are not living by our grandparents morals, and people these days treat wedding vows as if they were written on toilet paper.

I'd say the best thing for you to do is focus on your current hobbies. Or maybe it's time to pick up a new one now that you'll have more "You Time". Take major advantage of that before another lady crosses your path.

There are plenty of fish out there, so keep options open, and try not to be too bitter towards the next one...I usually am. And for those who believe in "soul mates".....we'll probably never know, or meet them. Chances are we just gave our "soul mate" the finger for cutting us off at the last traffic light.

I'd personally take this time of sorrow to buy yourself something nice......perhaps that new unicycle that you've always wanted.

[Jerrick]

Unicycles wont leave you for another, and are great, take the time now to fully enjoy your riding. Have any goals? Long distance riding across the states or anywhere? Go out and do them!

The loss is gonna suck as you know, but now the time to try not to think of it much, shit happens and then we move on.

I havent gone through a bad breakup or divorce, but that is what id do if/ when it ever happens. Go out and have fun, forget the bad, remember the good, move on to the better.

[cathwood]

Originally Posted by Jerrick

I havent gone through a bad breakup or divorce, but that is what id do if/ when it ever happens. Go out and have fun, forget the bad, remember the good, move on to the better.

Just like that!

I divorced my then husband over twelve years ago now.

I felt so guilty I let him walk away with all the money.

I've never regretted it, although it was hard at the time. He really messed the kids about.

Anyway, I have been happily married to someone else for the past nine years.

I don't know about morals. I can't think that to remain unhappily married to an alcoholic who never spent any time at home would be any more or less moral than divorcing him.

Times are changing. Perhaps people are less willing to put up with unhappiness now. Certainly there is more emphasis on individual fulfillment, rather than working for the family/society. But perhaps it is time to work to make the changing times easier on the children that it affects, rather than harking back to more 'moral' times.

[underdog]

It's been 12 years since I got divorced. It really sucked at the time. She hit me with it out of the blue. In retrospect, it was a good thing. It allowed me to make changes in my life that have been for the best. I've grown more than I would have had I stayed in that marriage and have since re-married. It's OK to get mad and grieve and let your emotions take over for a bit, but, don't let them take you over. I dwelled and dwelled on my divorce and let it consume me. I was miserable and felt sorry for myself and started to have a real problem with alcohol. I took much too long to get over it. Try to get on with your life as soon as possible.

[Mikefule]

Wow, what a deeply personal thread. So just a gentle reminder to everyone that what you post here can be read by strangers and friends alike, not only today, but in a year or two years, or more. Sometimes the semi-anonymous nature of the web makes us reveal more than we ought to.

I married my childhood sweetheart. The marriage went downhill very quickly, but I never considered leaving until one day she said "one of us has to go". Until then, I felt bound by our mutual vows. Even though I have no religion, a vow is a vow, and all that. Once she had openly said that giving up was an option, something clicked, and within a month or two I had gone.

Like many people after a first divorce, I felt not that I had lost something precious, but that I had left behind a stage of my life. In the old order of things, marriage and parenthood were the "rites of passage". In today's society, it is almost as if the first divorce is the moment when you grow up and face the world properly, alone and on your own two feet.

As for how to keep sane: I believe the important thing is to be content with the person you are; learn to be happy alone. If you can do that, and then find someone to share it with, that's a bonus.

If you feel that your life can only be complete if you have the perfect "other half" then you are placing a burden on them that will add a strain to the relationship. You will be loving what they represent, not loving who they are.

Most people are not happy most of the time. We have stress at work, health problems, mortgages, bills, taxes... yet our society makes us believe we ought to be happy (and slim, and fit, and young...) and we feel depressed because we are failing to achieve the impossible.

And most of us manage with an imperfect home, and imperfect car, or bike, a job we often hate, and so on, but somehow we expect our relationships to be perfect. Why? A relationship is made of two people. No one is perfect, so simple arithmetic shows that a relationship will be imperfection squared. Live with it, enjoy the good bits, tolerate the bad bits, and be confident that you could live without it if you had to. It is often people who expect a perfect relationship who have affairs, or leave, looking ofr that "Holy Grail". Very few find it.

My father had a 30 year marriage (not to my mother - that was about 30 weeks!) and had ups and downs. Just as they became happy and contented together, she developed cancer and died, ten years younger than him, and he likely to live another 15-20 years. Relationships are no more reliable or "theft proof" than cars.

[BillyTheMountain]

Originally Posted by trumpetmonster

I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?

To each his own, but I personally like the advice this guy gave on another thread:

Originally Posted by trumpetmonster

Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Seven weeks into it now and I'm still learning. Sometimes I go 200 feet, sometimes two. I'm going to get it one of these days and so will you. I have faith.

With my marriage, 15 years and I'm still learning. Sometimes I go 200 feet, sometimes two. I'm going to get it one of these days and so will you. I have faith.

And whether I take my marriage 200 feet before I fall on my face, or two feet, I love my wife dearly, and I would TRY to keep her, to win her back. I just treasure her too much to file for divorce.

You can still unfile. You can go to France, rekindle the early days when she was teaching you French, and she so inspired you to learn. It's much cheaper than a divorce.

Personally, I would NOT have filed for divorce, and that seems rash. What was her reaction? Can she possibly be happy with how easily you dispose of her? Were you able to make her feel loved? Did you notice her absence all this time (emotional or otherwise?)? Did you complain and try to pull her back into the marriage?

In the USA, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 50% of 2nd marriages as well! A compatible spouse is created, molded lovingly, not simply found off the rack.

BTM

[BillyTheMountain]

Here is a lesson in killing threads, for those who wish to learn from an expert.

[podzol]

Originally Posted by trumpetmonster

I've been with my wife for over ten years (married for just over four years) and I found out two months ago that my wife was seeing someone online... and then in person. I filed for divorce and I was just wondering how many others on these fora have been divorced or are going through one right now. How do you keep your sanity when something like this happens?

Been there. Joining the circus is the sweetest revenge, especially if you join it with your kids and it tours Bolivia soon.

Hang in there. If she did those things, she wasn't worth your time.