Yoopers Banned from Walmart

[Jethro]

From a reliable source:

Dear Mrs. Edwards:

Over the past six months, your husband, Bruce Edwards, has been causing quite a commotion in our Rochelle store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Edwards have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Bruce Edwards has done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.

5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

6. January 23, 2006: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! — PICK ME!"

14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! Sheila! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least, just today....

15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, "Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"

Whodathunkit?

joke

[carsonpalooza]

I Knew It!!

[sobriquet]

Nope, I saw it on snopes, it's not real.
Although, I would consider it an honor to get banned from Wal-Mart.

Look at the very bottom, it is in white writing.

[carsonpalooza]

From a reliable source:

see it must be true









;)

[DK]

I always knew Yoopers was a hooligan.

[phil]

Nope, I saw it on snopes, it's not real.
Do you believe everything you read on the internet?

I know; I was there when he did number 13. The look on his face still haunts me today, peering forlornly out from between the tweed shirts...

Phil

[trials_uni]

That yoopers will never quit being a 15year old boy will he?...Lol i got that thing in an e-mail a year or so back.

[JJuggle]

I know for a fact that in May Bruce snuck up on and gave old man Werbenmanjenson a wedgie right on the corner of North 8th St and Lincoln Ave.

[tomtrevor]

hahaha, all of those are great. another good one is to fill up shopping carts and place them at random places around the store.

[Goats_On_Unicycles]

Yoopers is so cool. He gave me so many ideas for next years Buy Nothing Day festivities! Thanks old man!;)

[leo]

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.
Those are so cool to know, these internal hidden messages!
I know several.

One warehouse had "Beatrijs floor x, Beatrijs floor x" to acknowledge staff that a bomb-alarm just came in.
The B of Beatrijs (a old-fashioned girls name) probably stands for bomb.
So I guess there are more fake-names going on.
I even know the extension number of the intercom.

And while writing this down I suddenly wonder if that extension is accessable from the outside or via some diverted phones inside the building.

[skrobo]

nice, whoever really did that is my hero (not really,but its funny)

[monkeyman]

Try to picture him actually doing this...it get's even funnier

[Goats_On_Unicycles]

Yoopers, You are my hero! You've got a wicked sense of humor!

[yoopers]

July 20, 2006



Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

Dear Mr. Brown,

Thank you for your interest in my personal well-being and for the delightful letter to my wife. She was indeed quite surprised to find that you decided to take a personal interest in our family and share with us your thoughts and well wishes. She and I sat and laughed for hours at the delectable humor written with its pages.

As the Wal-Mart Corporation was founded on ultimate customer service, I realize that you only have the best in mind for me as a customer so I would like to extend my deepest appreciation for your care and concern over my shopping experience. I would also like to thank you for the fun that your employees generate during each and every one of my visits. Your employees’ reception of Wal-Mart’s customers creates a one-of-a-kind type of atmosphere in your stores, one that screams “Wecome to Wonderland!” and brings a smile to all but the frowniest people.

I noticed something in your letter however and I must ask a question. I noticed that you are the president and CEO of the Wal-Mart Complaint Department. The complaint industry must be the field in which to work as it seems you have seceded from the original Wal-Mart Corporation and formed your own company. Do you trade publicly and if so, what is its trading symbol on NASDAC as I must find a way to invest in your success.

Also as you can see, I am a man of many talents and unlimited humor. I almost feel led to consider making a lifetime decision to switch careers and would consider it a deep honor to be among the few and the proud and the funny, an employee on the Wal-Mart team. I can honestly say I would dedicate myself each and every day to the Wal-Mart customer to ensure that each one has as much fun as I have had over the years of shopping in your stores. Please forward to me an employment application. I can also say that my goal would be the top. Someday sir, I would wish to attain the ultimate in employment, the position of President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department, Inc.

Again, my dear thanks to you and the entire Wal-Mart team for my very enjoyable shopping experiences over the years. You are the light of my shopping days.

Sincerely yours and future Wal-Mart employee,

Bruce Edwards

[john_childs]

I wonder what would happen if Jethro and Yoopers switched places in life? Who would mess things up more for the other guy?

[Goats_On_Unicycles]

July 20, 2006



Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department

Dear Mr. Brown,

Thank you for your interest in my personal well-being and for the delightful letter to my wife. She was indeed quite surprised to find that you decided to take a personal interest in our family and share with us your thoughts and well wishes. She and I sat and laughed for hours at the delectable humor written with its pages.

As the Wal-Mart Corporation was founded on ultimate customer service, I realize that you only have the best in mind for me as a customer so I would like to extend my deepest appreciation for your care and concern over my shopping experience. I would also like to thank you for the fun that your employees generate during each and every one of my visits. Your employees’ reception of Wal-Mart’s customers creates a one-of-a-kind type of atmosphere in your stores, one that screams “Wecome to Wonderland!” and brings a smile to all but the frowniest people.

I noticed something in your letter however and I must ask a question. I noticed that you are the president and CEO of the Wal-Mart Complaint Department. The complaint industry must be the field in which to work as it seems you have seceded from the original Wal-Mart Corporation and formed your own company. Do you trade publicly and if so, what is its trading symbol on NASDAC as I must find a way to invest in your success.

Also as you can see, I am a man of many talents and unlimited humor. I almost feel led to consider making a lifetime decision to switch careers and would consider it a deep honor to be among the few and the proud and the funny, an employee on the Wal-Mart team. I can honestly say I would dedicate myself each and every day to the Wal-Mart customer to ensure that each one has as much fun as I have had over the years of shopping in your stores. Please forward to me an employment application. I can also say that my goal would be the top. Someday sir, I would wish to attain the ultimate in employment, the position of President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department, Inc.

Again, my dear thanks to you and the entire Wal-Mart team for my very enjoyable shopping experiences over the years. You are the light of my shopping days.

Sincerely yours and future Wal-Mart employee,

Bruce Edwards
HaHaHa!

[GILD]

I wonder what would happen if Jethro and Yoopers switched places in life? Who would mess things up more for the other guy?
Harper.

[yoopers]

I know for a fact that in May Bruce snuck up on and gave old man Werbenmanjenson a wedgie right on the corner of North 8th St and Lincoln Ave.
Mr. W deserved what he got! He was a disgrace to the neighborhood...imagine, a decrepid old man running around with his boxer shorts hanging out the top of his pants like a common high schooler.

[JJuggle]

like a common high schooler.
Yes, perhaps, but the crime took place in front of a school-full of impressionable grade schoolers, which, conveniently your map fails to note. You fiend!

[Jethro]

I wonder what would happen if Jethro and Yoopers switched places in life? Who would mess things up more for the other guy?

I would mess things up more. Bruce is one of the nicest guys I know. If he were Catholic, there would be a St. Yoopers by now.

[UniBrier]

I agree Bruce is probably capable of working up a miracle or two but I thought Catholic Saints had to be dead first. I would like to see him around a bit longer for more mischief at Walmart.

[Jethro]

I agree Bruce is probably capable of working up a miracle or two but I thought Catholic Saints had to be dead first.


In Bruce's case, I imagine they would waive that requirement.

[GILD]

There'd be quite a bit of waving going on.

The Process of Canonization

The process of declaring a deceased Christian to be saint was originally quite informal, but became increasingly regulated over the centuries and is now defined by canon law. The steps for becoming a saint are as follows:

1. Usually between 5 and 50 years after a would-be saint's death, a formal request made to consider person as saint. The group making the request, called the Actor Causae, consists of people from the candidate's church and community, and the request is directed to the bishop of the diocese where the person died. The request includes testimony of the person's exceptional virtue and dedication to God.
2. The bishop decides whether the evidence is compelling enough to take it to Rome. If so, he asks the Congregation for the Causes of Saints for permission to open the cause.
3. If permission is granted, the bishop opens a tribunal and calls witnesses to attest to the quality of the person's public life. The person must be shown to have been virtuous, devout, religious, and characterized by love, kindness, prudence and other virtues (concrete examples are required). Miracles are not necessary at this point, but they are recorded if mentioned. If the person passes this step, he or she is called a Servant of God.
4. The bishop sends a report to Rome, where it is translated into Italian. This step is called the Apostolic Process.
5. A summary called the Positio is presented to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints.
6. Nine theologians scrutinize the evid (http://www.religionfacts.com/christianity/practices/honoring_saints/canonization.htm)ence and documentation. If majority pass it, goes to Congregation.
7. If they approve, the Prefect of the Congregation authorizes person to be called Venerable.
8. If any miracles are reported (which qualify the person for beatification or canonization), the Prefect presents the cause to the pope to decide. Canonization is considered a function of papal infallibility, as it is important that believers venerate and pray to only those who are actually in heaven.
9. The pope declares beatification or canonization at a special Mass in the saint's honor.


I'm of the opinion that it's all done but Bruce just doesn't like to use the title.

[yoopers]

As a saint, I wonder if I would have more pull to hold off the rain this morning. The last time we had a huge yard sale some three years ago, it rained. Now it's raining again on this of all mornings.

[yoopers]

I'm of the opinion that it's all done but Bruce just doesn't like to use the title.
A staple (http://www.aroma-essence.com/catalog/humility.html) in my medicine cabinet. Mary insists that I keep a good supply on hand.

[ice_cold_uni6]

if you were a saint you could make it rain fish!

[Jethro]

I'm of the opinion that it's all done but Bruce just doesn't like to use the title.


I don't hear him denying it.

[yoopers]

if you were a saint you could make it rain fish!
Here (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/flying-fish.html) ya go.

[yoopers]

What can I say?

Thank you Wally Brown.

[UniBrier]

St. Bruce forgot his halo and holy object. (Why is there no Bruce on this list (http://www.catholic.org/saints/stindex.php?lst=B)?)

[harper]

This thread is far to silly and immature for my liking. There is too much creativity, camaraderie, and tolerance as well. This is just conversation and this is serious business. Now buckle down or knuckle under or do whatever it is that serious folks do. Bruce was a canonized, WalMart employee decades ago. Why can't you people just let go?

[UniBrier]

Now buckle down or knuckle under or do whatever it is that serious folks do. Oops, wrong holy object. This is better:

[JJuggle]

Now buckle down or knuckle under or do whatever it is that serious folks do.
Yeah and don't forget: ban sunken restoration torpedoes.

[yoopers]

I know; I was there when he did number 13. The look on his face still haunts me today, peering forlornly out from between the tweed shirts...
Rumors! Simply unsubstantiated rumors! How could you defame my good name like that?

[DrumCorpsFan]

me and my friend got banned from popeyes chicken because i guess popeye doesnt like unicycles in his "restaurant" as they said. even though its connected to a gas station and one of the dirtyest food places ive ever been to

[monkeyman]

What can I say?

Thank you Wally Brown.

You should of used the picture of you with a spoon on your nose.

The number one google result of St. Bruce (http://www.sjgames.com/in-nomine/articles/INChar/Humans/Saint.Bruce.html)

"So I pray to Saint Bruce...."
"Saint Who?"
"Saint Bruce, the Patron Saint of Martial Arts. I say, 'Saint Bruce, send meVictor Sage,' and here you are."

[UniBrier]

Jethro (Bill), Hopy you haven't already left for UNICON. The Rev. Farley asked me to pass this on to you:

THE DIVINE GUIDING LIGHT MISSION
1134 East Trent
Missoula, MT 59801
406-262-3862

July 20, 2006

c/o Mr. Steve
Mr. Bill
Minneapolis, MN

Dear Bill:

Perhaps you have heard of the Divine Guiding Light Mission and the wonderful work that we do nationwide in fighting the evils and abuses of alcohol and smoking – the devil’s tools.

Each year my staff and I conduct a personal appearance campaign in an attempt to rescue sinners from the abused and terrible effects of smoking and drinking. So far the results have been most heartwarming.

Otis Jenkins has gone with me on each trip of the campaign now for the past eleven years – we call the trips “rescue missions”. I first met Otis on skid road in Seattle. He was a sorry sight. The many years that he had abused his body and soul with the over indulgence of tobacco and alcohol had left his body in a state of disaster. His eyes were bleary and red; his complexion was gray and puffy. His constant shaking was uncontrollable, and most of his hair and teeth had fallen out. Poor Otis was an ungodly sight.

In our appearances Otis would always be on stage as a living example of the horrible effects of alcohol and tobacco. The sight of him would cause many sinners to repent and refrain from smoking and drinking immediately, and forever.

Unfortunately, Otis passed away this past month – his miseries ended.

THIS IS NOT A REQUEST FOR A DONATION!

Two mutual acquaintances, Mr. Steve and Mr. Bruce, have suggested that you might be a suitable replacement for Otis. Your picture, which we saw on your Blog, certainly suggests that you are the man I am looking for. Kindly give this your careful consideration and let me know if you will accept the challenge of this good and saving work.

Please let me know.

Very Truly Yours,

Rev. Charles U. Farley

[carsonpalooza]

St. Bruce forgot his halo and holy object. (Why is there no Bruce on this list (http://www.catholic.org/saints/stindex.php?lst=B)?)

looks like the holy hand grenade(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

[Jethro]

Jethro (Bill), ...Two mutual acquaintances, Mr. Steve and Mr. Bruce, have suggested that you might be a suitable replacement for Otis.:

Would I have to quit smoking and drinking?

[evil-nick]

The only thing I think I saw missing from the list was setting up a "Valet Parking" sign outside... :D

[sobriquet]

The only thing I think I saw missing from the list was setting up a "Valet Parking" sign outside... :D

I do remember the day Bruce did that. We had to pay for a new car, and he charged us 50 bucks, I knew it was overpriced!

[unijesse]

if you want someone to believ it then put a believable name, the founder of wAL-mart was sam walton

[sobriquet]

if you want someone to believ it then put a believable name, the founder of wAL-mart was sam walton

He be dead.
and to top it off, he wouldn't write to you, he would have one of his overworked underpaid, un-insured employees do it, like Billy or someone.

[dan de man]

hahaha, all of those are great. another good one is to fill up shopping carts and place them at random places around the store.
bring a grater to the shopping department and gate cheese around the place especialy in the carts

[tomtrevor]

bring a grater to the shopping department and gate cheese around the place especialy in the carts

that has got to be the most randomist thing i have ever heard, but that would be so funny. it wouldnt go down with the store guys very well.

[monkeyman]

if you want someone to believ it then put a believable name, the founder of wAL-mart was sam walton

http://markramsey.com/wp-content/captain.obvious.jpg

[caw89]

Lol I liek this one
10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

I think im gonna try some of these lol

[vuniw]

that was pretty funny

[yoopers]

My shopping itch is getting real bad. Not being able to shop at Wal-Mart anymore is the pits. Whatever am I going to do with my days?

[bugman]

My shopping itch is getting real bad. Not being able to shop at Wal-Mart anymore is the pits. Whatever am I going to do with my days?

In support of you, I have banned myself from Walmart. I will only go in there if I can't find what I want any other place. I had a close call the other day. I was in the parking lot, when my wife called and reminded me of Bed Bath and Beyond possibly having what I needed. It was 10 miles out of the way, but the satisfaction of denying Walmart $40 was worth every minute.

[iridemymuni]

what's so bad about walmart?

[bugman]

what's so bad about walmart?

Ask Billy, he works there. Preditory pricing, Blight on communities, bad insurance for employees. More WalMart employees have their children covered by PeachCare(Georgia's safety net insurance for kids) than any other employer in Georgia. Violate state and federal employment laws. Put better paying local businesses and their entire support network out of business to save you a few pennies. Mostly by paying lower wages and putting healthcare costs onto taxpayers. Hire illegal alliens at sub minimum wage rates. Lock employees in stores overnight. Require employees to work off the clock to reduce overhead. Other than that they are great.

[iridemymuni]

sounds like my kind of business

[yoopers]

Ask Billy, he works there. Preditory pricing, Blight on communities, bad insurance for employees. More WalMart employees have their children covered by PeachCare(Georgia's safety net insurance for kids) than any other employer in Georgia. Violate state and federal employment laws. Put better paying local businesses and their entire support network out of business to save you a few pennies. Mostly by paying lower wages and putting healthcare costs onto taxpayers. Hire illegal alliens at sub minimum wage rates. Lock employees in stores overnight. Require employees to work off the clock to reduce overhead.
Yeah, but they got great chicken tenders in the Deli.

[bugman]

Yeah, but they got great chicken tenders in the Deli.

Dude your hardcore. I was in the Army, and even I won't attempt to eat that food.:D

[BillyTheMountain]

In support of you, I have banned myself from Walmart. I will only go in there if I can't find what I want any other place. I had a close call the other day. I was in the parking lot, when my wife called and reminded me of Bed Bath and Beyond possibly having what I needed. It was 10 miles out of the way, but the satisfaction of denying Walmart $40 was worth every minute.

Bugman,

You really confuse me here. Did you forget to add the :D or something?

Billy

[bugman]

Bugman,

You really confuse me here. Did you forget to add the :D or something?

Billy

No Smiley. Can't stand Walmart. Never have shoped there, never will. I can't support a company that has a blatent disregard for the people that work for them, the neighborhoods they build in, pretty much everyone. Low Prices? They are the most expensive business in the community if you ask me. They just lay those expenses on the taxpayers.

[maestro8]

So what's an acceptable alternative to big Wally? There's an uber-Target just a couple blocks from my house and I've found myself wandering around in there once in a while. Just as Wally-world, most everything Target sells is made in China, but are they any better of an employer? ...any more ethical of a business?

I have banned myself from Walmart. I will only go in there if...
doesn't sound like you're banned if you still consider going in the store

[bugman]

So what's an acceptable alternative to big Wally? There's an uber-Target just a couple blocks from my house and I've found myself wandering around in there once in a while. Just as Wally-world, most everything Target sells is made in China, but are they any better of an employer? ...any more ethical of a business?


doesn't sound like you're banned if you still consider going in the store

Yes.

Bans are meant to be broken.:p

[UniBrier]

I won't go to any Walmart that doesn't allow free overnight parking for my RV (http://www.freecampgrounds.com/noparking.html).

[BillyTheMountain]

No Smiley. Can't stand Walmart. Never have shoped there, never will. I can't support a company that has a blatent disregard for the people that work for them, the neighborhoods they build in, pretty much everyone. Low Prices? They are the most expensive business in the community if you ask me. They just lay those expenses on the taxpayers.

OK.

I'm just surprised because this info about Wal-Mart doesn't reach the websites at your end of the spectrum....

Cool.

[tobbogonist]

We in 'downunder' have no walmart.

[VeronicaFarren]

no wlamart!

[tobbogonist]

nope, not at all. i know what your thinking?... actually no, i have no idea and it would be foolish of me to try and even comprehend.

[VeronicaFarren]

wal mart is the best place on earth

[tobbogonist]

i have never ever been in, near or even unicycled walmart

[VeronicaFarren]

haha unicycle wal mart

[tobbogonist]

how long have you been riding for there?