Gallery of clean jokes

[yoopers]

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

A: They both have curds in their "Whey".

[jagur]

clean,but shamless Bruce.

[jdkimble]

Heard this on the radio today. Sorry in advance if it is not appropriate or tasteful. I'm not always a good judge on what's funny.

Bin Laden is thinking about his life and is wondering how much longer is he going to live. So, he goes to a psychic and says, "Can you see the date of my death?" So, the psychic looks in her crystal ball and says, "Hmm.......I see something.......it looks like......yes. I see a holiday. Yep, it looks like an American holiday." Bin Laden says," I'm going to die on an American holiday? That's weird. Which holiday?" The psychic says, "Doesn't matter. When you die, it's going to be an American holiday."

[sendhair]

Did you hear the one about the patriotic Unicyclist ?
http://www.chaosmags.com/scans/people062876a.jpg
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE DONALD RUMSFELD

[JJuggle]

I think this is clean. It is from an email that is going around called "Jewish Haiku". There are several of them but my personal favorite is:

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Oh, and a topical one:

Yom Kippur-- Forgive
me, Lord, for the Mercedes
and all that lobster.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[Sofa]

I think you'se gonna like this one!

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a
speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets
President Bush. They shake hands and the Saudi says, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen in
America."

President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can
do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'
and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never
any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why
there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi and
whispers back, "That's because it takes place in the
future...."

[sendhair]

originally posted by Sofa:

I think you'se gonna like this one!

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi and whispers back, "That's because it takes place in the future...."



Well, you were wrong. How do you like this one?


The Canadian ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and the Canadian says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Canadian whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Canucks.
He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Canucks in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Canadian and whispers back, "That's because it takes place in the future...."


Get the point, Sofa?
Maybe you can take your racist jokes over to WhitePower.com or HitlerYouth.org.

Yes, everyone else, I'm aware that William Shatner is Canadian. Do I really need to make a disclaimer about the "Canadian" joke?

[Sofa]

Racist? I don't get it

[Chilliwack]

Racist? I don't get it


sendhair thinks the joke means that *you* are racist, because of the "no arabs in the future comment."
If I understood your joke correctly, it makes fun of Dubya for going after one arab country after another to destroy his imaginary axis of evil.

Caleb

[sendhair]

Oh, gee, once again, I just don't understand... well, I guess just like any other form of "entertainment", the interpretation is all in the eye of the beholder.

Whether aimed at Arabs or at the Shrub, it's not funny.

I said the joke was racist. Period. I'll thank you not to put words in my mouth, Chilliwack.

[john_childs]

Originally posted by Chilliwack


sendhair thinks the joke means that *you* are racist, because of the "no arabs in the future comment."
If I understood your joke correctly, it makes fun of Dubya for going after one arab country after another to destroy his imaginary axis of evil.

Caleb
Thanks Sofa, I liked that joke. I took it to mean that the Arabs managed to blow themselves up as suicide bombers then Sadam got nukes and finished the rest of them off. ;)

I think I'd better attend a peace rally in Seattle tonight so I can get these racist warmonger thoughts out of my head. C-c-c-c-can't we a-a-all just g-g-g-get along?

[Sofa]

When Sendhair made the joke at the Candian's expense...I (as a Canadian) failed to see any racial dilema...But I guess that's because in the Future, I'll just be American (In the 51st state)...not dead

Is predicting the inevitable being racist? Then guilty as charged!

[jagur]

sorry Sofa,the 51st state will be Puerto Rico.

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by Sofa
I think you'se gonna like this one!

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a
speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets
President Bush. They shake hands and the Saudi says, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen in
America."

President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can
do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'
and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never
any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why
there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi and
whispers back, "That's because it takes place in the
future...."

This joke is patently offensive. That doesn't mean that some people wont appreciate it for a variety of reasons, but it is difficult for me to figure out how a joke that implies the disappearance from the face of the earth of an entire ethnic group as a result of some kind, whatever kind, of violence and suggests that this is desirable, isn't offensive and racist.

Put another way let's ask this question that I think is a fair barometer:

Would Jay Leno tell this joke? This I think is a good indication because he tells some jokes that I find pretty offensive; but I doubt very much he'd tell this one.

That this point is even a matter of debate is almost incomprehensible. If an Arab posted a joke whose implications were similar with respect to Americans he or she would almost certainly find themselves sitting in the offices of the FBI.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[uni_boy50]

I'm canadain, and i didn't think any of it was offensive. Auctally they were both sort of funny. My current point, is that something is wrong with us(unicyclers). I'm noticing that there are more people getting offended at something, and a bunch of posts about weather or not that was offensive then before. I mean, fine that joke could be seen as offensive, but when you think about it, the canadain one wasn't offensive. There aren't any unicyclers that i know of in star treck either, that dosn't meen that they won't exist. Unicyclers usually have a sense of humour. Lately it's been missing. I'm not hyprocrate, i'm probably more somber then usual too, but we should be able to get along. And now you've gotten me talking somber too:( I'm so depressed;)


just for the record, the 51st state will probably me puerto rico, canada will be the 52nd
cya

[yoopers]

My 51st vote goes to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. It's been in the works for centuries (got a tee-shirt to prove it). The state name will be Superior and it's major export will be mosquitos.

[Sofa]

I don't care. I stand behind my joke. Everytime I get a reply to this post, that joke runs through my mind and I laugh.

That's what makes jokes funny. They make alot of people laugh. Not everyone, but a good deal of them. What's the last joke you heard with a rosegarden as the punchline?

[uni_boy50]

i agree, i thought that it was a really good joke. Aperantally that's not the point

[john_childs]

I would consider the joke to be tasteless, but not racist. I didn't go to a peace rally tonight so I might not be properly enlightened.

[Chilliwack]

Hmm, actually I thought about it a little more and changed my mind. Looking at this thread's title, "Gallery of clean jokes," I realize that joke was "clean" as in no "toilet" or "barnyard" humour. However, it was tasteless and *is* of a racist nature. Doesn't mean everybody who thinks it is funny is a racist, though.
That joke implied that Arabs can't get straightened out and will destroy/get themselves destroyed themselves. To me, this is on the same level as a joke I heard that joked about using alcohol as bait to hunt Natives.

I'll thank you not to put words in my mouth, Chilliwack.
Sorry. But next time explain just a little better, Sendhair. :)

Anyways, how about somebody post some "clean" jokes, as the thread title suggests. I'm from Newfoundland, but feel free to find some Newfie jokes... ;)

Caleb

[Checkernuts]

Damn I say Fuck like 1 ok like 50 time in these forums and you jump all over my ass for it being inapropriate for children, but it seems many of you find it ok to tell Jokes about Killing off a whole ethnic culture and Millions of people because they are arab. Yeah thats cool, NOT

I'm with Rick, That joke was racist thats the bottem line Fuck racism and lets just get along

[ekimstorm]

well, i think that what would definitly happen, is that they USA would become CANADA's 14th province/territory. but then would get kicked out because canada is too good for that, and thats all i have to say.

-MIKE

[nick]

i think alot of you arte missing the point of the joke.

the joke is not making fun of arabs. Infact, I dont believe the joke was really meant to be in any way negative towardfs arabs.

The joke is that dubya is going to wage war against basicly the entire middle east, and that the USA will win, and that there will be no arabs left after we win.

IT is not about how bad arabs are at fighting, or about how they will destroy themselves, or how they are violent people.

Generally the joke is more negative towards the US by saying how we are always violent and thats our way of solving problems.

the point is that its a joke! im not even going to state my oppinions on it, because im not going to get people started on me.

[nb]

i hope this isn't off topic...

why did the bicycle fall over.....?



















UK answer: because it was two tyred


USA answer: because it was two tired

[Sofa]

I also ride bicyles. That is a horrible joke. How can you find it funny that the bike fell over? You disgust me.

[nick]

hah hah hah hah hah

[yoopers]

Originally posted by nb
i hope this isn't off topic...


Interesting.

[jagur]

why did the Atom cross the road?





because it needed to split. :)

[nb]

Why did the unicyclist cross the road?

Any suggestions?

[nb]

Originally posted by nb
Why did the unicyclist cross the road?

Any suggestions?

Best I can think of is...

Because he was juggling three chickens

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by nb
Why did the unicyclist cross the road?

Any suggestions?

To get to the peace rally! :D

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[sendhair]

:( Oh, Raphael, what an idealistic dreamer you are!

[Boolgow]

Why did the unicyclist cross the road?

To chase his other wheel. AH! NO! Don't hurt me! I didn't mean it! I'll repent!

[ekimstorm]

Earlier today during computer class I was reading this thread (after all my work was done of course) and my friend started to read it, when he saw the joke, his answer was "because he is gay". upon which i punched him and explained how cool unicycling really is.

Anywho, this is my rendition of the chicken crossing the road:

"why did the unicyclist cross the road?"
"because he/she saw harpers uni.5 on the other side."

i know its lame, but that uni kicks ass....

-Mike

[Sofa]

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the
day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says,
"I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the
waitress.

"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the
last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili
bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets
about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl
and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got,
too."

[Scott Stephens]

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

[unicus]

Originally posted by nb
Why did the unicyclist cross the road?

Any suggestions?
'cause he/she didn't want to follow the crowd.


The resent talk of Japan hosting the next UNICON reminded me of this one.

The Japanese are very good at organising a World Cup, but they'll never make a Korea out of it.

Gary

[trsrdr]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

[yoopers]

Q: What is Irish and sits in the back yard all summer?

A: Patty O'Furniture

[JJuggle]

The below has just been established as the world's funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

See: http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[unicus]

Originally posted by JJuggle
The below has just been established as the world's funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

See: http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ
I like jokes where the ending is unexpected but I knew what was coming half way through that, interesting that it came out top. Thanks for the link Raphael I've been looking at www.laughlab.co.uk and this one made me lol.

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this?’


Cheers, Gary

[that1b0y]

Well to start off, I hope that this doesn't almost ruin this page with people discussing whether or not the joke is ripping on certain ethnic groups or not... because it talks about what really happened. We *America* did not handle all the situations in our past with the best methods... and I'm sorry it happened that way- but its also not my fault... I wasn't even born yet!
And please dont get upset that I didnt use Native Americans- I dont get upset when people call me caucasian instead of European Americans!

~A cowbody, and Indian, and a muslim were sitting in the airport waiting for their flight. The cowboy pulled his hat down over his eyes to take a nap. Meanwhile, the indian and the muslim got into a deep theological debate... eventually the indian said "once there were many of us, and now there are few..." The Muslim said "thats odd... once there were few of us, but now there are many!"

Then the cowboy slowly lifted his hat off his eyes and said, "thats because we havn't played cowboys and muslims yet"~

[peterbb]

Originally posted by unicus

One turns to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this?’


Cheers, Gary


That was the only one that made me laugh in this whole forum.

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by that1b0y
We *America* did not handle all the situations in our past with the best methods... and I'm sorry it happened that way- but its also not my fault... I wasn't even born yet!

It may not be your fault and you may not have been born then, but you most certainly are living with the consequences (whatever it is that you are specifically referring to). You either deal with that constructively or you actively choose to live in a world where at best it can be said that there is no fairness and fairplay (which I leave somewhat vaguely defined - and note parenthetically that while "life" may not be fair, you get to choose by your own actions whether or not to be) or at worst violence is our constant companion.

Right now, unfortunately, we have the worst.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[that1b0y]

Originally posted by JJuggle
while "life" may not be fair, you get to choose by your own actions whether or not to be

And I'm going to try my best to make sure I am! When I give an answer saying yes or no, I'm going to try to stick to it... and when I say I will do something, I'll do my best to get it done!

My name is Clinton Johnson... that is two of the last names of two presidents to get impeached... I'm going to try to give my name a better way to be remembered by people.

(I'm not sure why I am writting this... it could be the lack of sleep combined with the sudden rush to finish my homework before classes tomorrow... but I hope that doesn't make my words less valueable)

ps, that joke... I heard it somewhere... i forget where though. But rip on me if you have a prob w/ it! I want to know when I mess up, cuz I dont always realize it.
<CJ><

[andrew_carter]

I thaught this one was great, but I can't take credit for it...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the starts and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

[UniBrier]

That is a good one, what's really eerie is the exact same thing happened to the Lone Ranger and Tonto while they were camping. ;)

[Sofa]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding in the very hot weather. They ride up to a saloon and LR says, 'Tonto, I don't want Silver overheating, so I want you to ride your horse in circles around him, so the wind will cool him off. I'll go in for a drink and bring you out one'

As Tonto was his faithful sidekick, he obliged.

The Lone Ranger started talking inside, and lost track of time.

Someone walks into the saloon and says, 'Hey, I think someone left their injun running'

[Maatha Stoooert]

What did one Canadian say {uh-huh!} to the other .... uh.... um.... Ca.... Canadian.... uh... guy from Canadia.... uh... mmmm.... Canadanish person.... ?



ha ha huh huh ha .... uh.. uh.... pretty funny!!

?? ?

huh huh huh huh huh huh !

Wha?....

[ekimstorm]

Originally posted by Maatha Stoooert
What did one Canadian say {uh-huh!} to the other .... uh.... um.... Ca.... Canadian.... uh... guy from Canadia.... uh... mmmm.... Canadanish person.... ?



ha ha huh huh ha .... uh.. uh.... pretty funny!!

?? ?

huh huh huh huh huh huh !

Wha?....

What the hell was the point of that?

I suggest that you refrain from telling any more jokes.

-Mike

[Maatha Stoooert]

oooooh!

"Injun" jokes are A-OK,...

but please don't post any Canadian jokes.... we won't like it!


Terribly Sorry, Ol' chap!

Tonto, you're on your own...

[ekimstorm]

Originally posted by Maatha Stoooert
oooooh!

"Injun" jokes are A-OK,...

but please don't post any Canadian jokes.... we won't like it!


Terribly Sorry, Ol' chap!

Tonto, you're on your own...

I dont mind people telling Canadian jokes, but you didnt make a joke. It didnt make any sense. I dont mean it was insulting or anything, I meant that it simply wasnt a joke.

Also, I didnt mean to make my post sound angry, I should have put a few :) throughout it...

-Mike

[Maatha Stoooert]

Yes, well, ... go tell Aunt Sofa.

The old grey racist is dead.

[ekimstorm]

Originally posted by Maatha Stoooert
Yes, well, ... go tell Aunt Sofa.

The old grey racist is dead.


What was Sofa supposed to say? "someone left your native-american running"?

I think that in the context it is alright. After all, thats what rednecks said back then (and now). I highly doubt that Sofa is a racist.

But perhaps Sofa should talk for himself.

-Mike

[Maatha Stoooert]

Don't be a jerk.

Do you think it's OK to say "nigger" or "kike" or "polack" or "mik" or "dago" in a joke just because you claim some archaic temporal context?

Last time I checked, this was not the Huckelberry Finn / Davey Crockett forum.

Try substituting your own ethnic/cultural group for any of those mentioned in the jokes in this thread.


If you feel offended, well, then.... 'nuff said.

[ekimstorm]

I wouldnt be offended if the joke was changed to canadian.

Chill out man. I was only a joke, and as most of us know (but apparently not you) jokes arent meant to be taken seriously.

-Mike

[Maatha Stoooert]

Oh, OK...

I'm terribly sorry!

Yes, it was only a harmless, thoughtless, insensitive JOKE.

It was SO funny! Especially if you aren't descended from the people who were on this continent before the European conquerors arrived and destroyed your culture.

Just PLEASE remember that the next time some git calls you a clown, or says "Where's your other wheel?".... OK?
It's only a joke, so don't take it seriously and go posting complaints about it on this forum.

It's very interesting.... what some people are sensitive about...



Oh, and By The Way....

"Canadian" doesn't qualify as an ethnic category any more than "American" does.

[Sofa]

injun - sounds like engine

Oh boy, break out them crosses and gasoline!

[Maatha Stoooert]

Why don't you break out a few books instead? Try reading about what being an "injun" meant ... even just 50 years ago... that is; within the living memory of people who are around right now....

This is NOT about "PC". This is about what's right and wrong. Just because nobody told you it was wrong before doesn't mean that it isn't. You want to participate in a global medium; try developing a global consciousness.

Just to bring you up-to-date: "people" are still burning crosses not too far south of where you live.

Just why are you so proud and insistent on displaying your racism on this forum?

[Sofa]

It was the only Lone Ranger joke I ever heard...give me a break!
(that is pronounced like gimme a brrrrreak!)

[Maatha Stoooert]

Here's the only Lone Ranger joke I ever heard:

"Keemosabe" means "Idiot with mask and pale blue stretch pants."

[john_childs]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto find themselves surrounded by 2,000 savage Indians. The Lone Ranger says, "What are we going to do, Tonto?" To which Tonto replies, "What you mean 'we,' pale face?"

[Sofa]

Originally posted by Maatha Stoooert
Here's the only Lone Ranger joke I ever heard:

"Keemosabe" means "Idiot with mask and pale blue stretch pants."

See, that's just as funny! Now you got it! And now I have 2 LR jokes in my inventory. Thanks

[trsrdr]

What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?
The Masked-quito.

[Sofa]

Originally posted by trsrdr
What do you get if you cross the Lone Ranger with an insect?
The Masked-quito.

Thanks, now I know that not all Lone Ranger jokes are funny ;)

[Neil]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned in to a field.

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's #100 in arrears."

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In Iraq.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Scott Stephens]

MAATHA IS THE DUMBEST PERSON I HAVE EVER SEEN. SHE NEEDS TO GO TO JAIL!

[yoopers]

Hmmm...I've seen Martha but I don't recall ever seeing Maatha.

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by Neil


Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.



What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[gluteous maximus]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
**He sold his soul to Santa.

http://www.gifworks.com/queue/15232.gif


Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
**He walks around saying "Yo!"
http://www.gifworks.com/queue/15232.gif


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
**MACE will do that to you.
http://www.gifworks.com/queue/15232.gif


Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
**Go ask your Mom.
http://www.gifworks.com/queue/15232.gif

[that1b0y]

Maartha, or however you wish it to be spelled, I dont really care whether you are offended or not about these jokes. Its people like you who get kids kicked out of school for bringing fingernail clippers to school when its just a decoration on their key chain! Why don't you quit worrying about all this politically correct mumbo jumbo and go make a difference in the world! Quit telling us to live our lives to your standards! Nobody is perfect~ sorry to break it to you! But why dont you take the plank out of your own eye before you try to help us with the speck of sawdust in our eyes!

This forum is about jokes! Its about making people smile. I know that one day I came in here, I saw a joke that made a crappy day into a happy day. Lay off! As ekimstorm said,

"Chill out man. I was only a joke, and as most of us know (but apparently not you) jokes arent meant to be taken seriously."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here's my joke:
One time there was a man who had a horrible speech impediment. He studdered. One day he decided he wanted to sell bibles. So he went to the warehouse and said...
"I... I... w...waa.... wannntttt aaaa j j j j job b b s s s sell b b b bibbb bibles." The guy at the counter looked at him and laughed. I mean come on, if you cant talk correctly, how can you be a door to door salesman right? So the man gave him ten bibles and told him to go sell them. So the man with the speaking impediment went out and sold them and was back in a half hour. The man at the warehouse couldn't believe it! So he gave the guy fifty bibles to go sell. The man went out and sold them all and was back in a few hours.
Well the owner of the company was there and the man running the warehouse told him about the guy with the speaking impediment selling bibles. The owner was very impressed. See, his grandfather had started the company and was the best at selling bibles. Then he gave the company to the owners Father, who was even better than Grandpa. And finally, the owners father gave him the company, and he was the best at selling bibles yet! And so he told the man withe the speaking impediment that he wanted to see how he was able to sell so many bibles, he wanted to go with him. So they gave the man the last bible in the warehouse and went out to sell the bible. When they got to the front porch, they rang the doorbell, only to find a woman about to leave for work. She yelled at her husband to remember to feed the babies and then asked the gentleman with the impediment what she could do for him. He slowly studdered, "Th... Th... This h... h... here i... is a... a.. b...b...b...bib...bibble. N..now wou...wou..would y..y..you llllllike ttttto b...b...b...buy i...it ffffrom m...m..meeeee oooor w...wo... woulddd y... y...yyyouuuu llllllike m...meee t...t...to rrrrreeeeed i...it t...t...t...toooo y...y...you?"

She bought the bible.

[yoopers]

Making jokes about a particular group of people is not a very good idea. So speaking of Bibles, there is an extinct group of Biblical people called the Hittites. As such, we like to change the wording of our jokes to include the Hittite people figuring, since they're not around anymore, they won't be offended.

With that being said, there was once this blond Hittite...

[gluteous maximus]

Once there was a man named Bubba who had a very good job as radio announcer. Just as his career was beginning to take off, he had a terrible accident. He slipped and fell in the hallway outside the studio, and his chin hit the floor, causing him to bite the tip of his tongue off. His chin bounced once, and his face smacked onto the floor again, knocking several of his front teeth out. He lost his job as a radio announcer when he tried to sue the radio station for having slippery floors. Since he lost the lawsuit, and all of his savings went to pay the legal fees of both his own lawyer and the radio station's legal team, he couldn't afford to pay for a bridge to replace the teeth he had lost.

Bubba attended some post-trauma therapy, where they gave him training and counselling so that he could find new employment. He decided that sales appealed to him, so his career counsellor helped him get an appointment with the sales manager of a large manufacturing company which specialized in products for oral hygiene. The next day, Bubba got up bright and early and went to have his job interview.

The sales manager took one look at him and thought, "I can't hire this guy as a salesman! He's got no front teeth!" As soon as he heard Bubba speak, the manager wished that he had called-off work, because the sounds that came out of Bubba's toothless, tongueless mouth made him feel sick.

The sales manager was too soft-hearted to just send Bubba packing on account of his disabilities, so instead, he decided to give Bubba an impossible task.

"Here's our newest sales rep's case with 100 toothbrushes. If you can sell all of them by 5 o'clock today, you've got the job. This is our standard trial for all prospective sales reps."

Bubba fell to his knees and thanked the sales manager. The embarrassed manager pulled Bubba to his feet and reminded him that he only had until the close of the business day. As Bubba left, the manager congratulated himself for getting rid of Bubba so gracefully.

Bubba returned shortly after 2 o'clock with an empty case. The sales manager was simultaneously stunned, delighted, and dismayed. "How on Earth did you manage to sell all of those toothbrushes so fast? It's unbelievable!
I want you to stand here and show me your sales pitch right now!"

At first, Bubba tried to decline, but the manager threatened that the job was at stake, so Bubba nodded and set down his case on the manager's desk. Opening the case, he produced a large box of very expensive chocolates, and offered one to his new boss. The manager said, "Oh, that's a nice approach! Thanks! Don't mind if I do!", took one, and popped it in his mouth. As he started to chew, he suddenly spat out the candy, yelling, "Aaaagh! This isn't chocolate! It's shit!"

Bubba nodded and replied, "Yess. Yoor riiide! Oood yoo iiike ooo buy a ooosbwaassshh?"

[Neil]

Well Gluteous you have really done it now! Making a poor unfortunate fellow who has suffered injury in his place of work the butt of your joke really isn't vaguely amusing. Many thousands of people suffer horrendous accidents in the work place every year and you deem it acceptable to poke fun at them.

Ah sheesh... I'm just up tight because I can't tell me homosexual with a speech impediment joke ;)

[gluteous maximus]

owiginawy pothted by Neil:
I'm just up tight because I can't tell me homosexual with a speech impediment joke

Heh, heh! :D

Wouldn't Maatha be pwoud ob me!

[Neil]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus


Heh, heh! :D

Wouldn't Maatha be pwoud ob me!

John? Is that you?

Pa Merrick

[gluteous maximus]

Sorry, Neil, the only "john" I know is the one I sit on after my morning constitutional ride.

[gluteous maximus]

Uh, to anybody named John, I didn't intend to offend. If I did, I'm sorry! :(

Also, I guess that wasn't a very "clean" joke...

Sorry for that, too!

[gluteous maximus]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her four-year old son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear" she said, "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice,

"Sissy!!!"
********

A bicyclist walks into a store...
Curious about a shiny object, he asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The bicyclist says, "Huh! What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The bicyclist is quite impressed by this information; so, he buys one.

The next day, he takes it to work with him.

His boss, also a bicyclist, asks, "What is that shiny thingie?"
The bicyclist replies, "It's a thermos."
His boss asks, "Huh! What does it do?"
He says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
His boss then asks, "So... what do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

[gluteous maximus]

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both, son. Both."


The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"



http://anomalies-unlimited.com/OddPics/Images/MJ/MJoker.jpg

[jagur]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus
"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"No son,he's the King of Pop!

[gluteous maximus]

So....

Who the hell is that chasin' him with that there flame-thrower?

The CEO of Sony?

... or could it be Donny Osmond?

[Catboy]

The thermos joke was the funniest one in this whole forum!
-Eric

[GizmoDuck]

Yet another bad joke, but hey, I'm bored and I'm stuck on a 14hr shift for next week and I need somewhere to vent my frustration/boredom:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Ok, I'll write you a script for some cream. :D

[Neil]

Some more little gems:

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra...


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

[Graeme]

Originally posted by Neil
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

That's one of my favourite all time jokes. Does that make me a sad geek? Probably...

Hands up anyone who didn't understand the joke in the first place:rolleyes:



A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg." :rolleyes: :p ;) :D :confused:

Have fun!

Graeme

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by Graeme
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

That's one of my favourite all time jokes. Does that make me a sad geek? Probably...
Not to take all the fun out of it, but geek or not, structurally speaking this joke is virtually perfect.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
An elderly somewhat hard of hearing widower falls in love with a beautiful 80-something woman who he wishes to marry. He takes her to meet his son, a doctor, and asks him to give her a physical just to be sure.

After her examination the father asks his son how things went. "Well, she's a wonderful woman dad and I'm happy for you both," says the son with a slight frown, "but, I'm sorry to have to tell you that she has acute angina."

"Sure!", says the old man smiling, "and she's got a nice tuchas, too!"

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[UniBrier]

I’m told this is from NPR.

Of course, only those of you who have seen Abbott & Costello are likely to appreciate this:

HU'S ON FIRST

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by jdkimble
Heard this on the radio today. Sorry in advance if it is not appropriate or tasteful. I'm not always a good judge on what's funny.

Bin Laden is thinking about his life and is wondering how much longer is he going to live. So, he goes to a psychic and says, "Can you see the date of my death?" So, the psychic looks in her crystal ball and says, "Hmm.......I see something.......it looks like......yes. I see a holiday. Yep, it looks like an American holiday." Bin Laden says," I'm going to die on an American holiday? That's weird. Which holiday?" The psychic says, "Doesn't matter. When you die, it's going to be an American holiday."

It turns out, not surprisingly, that this is an old joke, perhaps older even than the version I found. In an article titled, "The Gold-Dust Twins of Marginal Humor: Blacks and Jews", by Joseph Dorinson (Maledicta, Vol 8, 1984-1985), the above joke is told largely verbatim except it is a Jewish holiday and the death is that of one A. Hitler.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[unibrow]

A man walks into a bar ans says ouch !!!

[Checkernuts]

Two guys walk into a bar, you would think one of them would have seen it...

[unibrow]

1) what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water?.........BOB!

2)what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?..........RUSTLE!

3)what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs skiing?....SKIP!

4)what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?.........ART!

5)what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in front of your door?......MAT!:D

[unibrow]

how do you catch a bear?

dig a hole , fill it with ashes and then put peas around the edges.When the bear comes to take a pea , kick it in the ash hole! heheheheh.

[Unimoron]

Sorry if anyone finds this offensive. But anyways,
A blonde walks into a store and says to the clerk: I would like to buy that T.V over there.
Clerk: Sorry we dont sell to blondes.
The next day the blonde wears a brown haired wig to the same store and asks the clerk: I would like to buy that T.V over there sir.
Clerk: Im sorry we don't sell to blondes.
So the next day the blonde decides to shave her head completely and go back to the store. The blonde asks: I would like to Buy that T.V over there.
Clerk: Im sorry ma'am we dont sell to blondes.
Blonde: Now how the heck do you know that Im blonde?!
Clerk: Because thats a microwave.

That might be lame but what can I say?:)

[ratherbekayaking]

Vegitarian: Old Indian word for 'Lousy Hunter'.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.

Why did they stop the leper American football game?
There was a hand off in the corner.

What do you call a hot-tub full of lepers?
Oatmeal.

------I've got a punch line for that unicycle crossing the road one:

Why was the unicyclist able to cross the road?
Because he was NOT two tired.

yeah, I know.

[dazedNcontused]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want - he ain't coming!

[unibrow]

what has half of an ear and bites alot!?

mike tisons dog.

[Memphis Mud]

Words on a sign at the Rally:

DYSLEXICS UNTIE!
____________________

Blond Joke:
A Blond is walking through the forest and comes to a river. Looking across to the other bank, she sees another blond looking back.

"How do you get to the other side?" she shouts.

"What do you mean?...You're on the other side!" is the reply.

____________________

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.

[gluteous maximus]

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts from a dish on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

[yoopers]

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game offers the following advice for recognizing and avoiding bear encounters in the wilderness:

"Hikers should wear noisy little bells on clothes and carry pepper spray. Also, watch for signs of activity: Black bear scat is smaller and contains berries; grizzly scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

[Checkernuts]

Knock Knock


.....




100 reply's to this tread thats all!


Whoo hoo I didnt think we were gonna make it....

ok I know thats stupid but 100 is a big number its like going platnium or something.

[phil]

Two fish in a tank.
One says, "how do you drive this thing?"

Two baby seals walk into a club...

Two sausages in a frying pan.
One says, "Isn't half hot in here!"
The other says "Wow! A talking sausage!"

A string walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender refuses; "We don't serve strings."
The string walks out, ruffles his hair, walks back in and asks for a drink again.
The bartender says, "Aren't you the string who was here a minute ago?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Phil

[phil]

Two boiled sweets in a bar. One says, "I'm 'ard! I'll take anyone on!"
The room falls silent; a boiled sweet emerges from the shadows on the other side of the room.
The second boiled sweet turns to the first and says, "I wouldn't take him on if I were you, I know him... he's flippin' menthol...

Phil

BONUS! Replace "boiled sweets" for "roads" and "menthol" for "cycle path" for a totally free, new joke!

[phil]

A pirate walks into a bar on a cold winter night. He has a peg for a leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. He sits down at the bar, sighs a heavy sigh, and orders a strong drink.

The bartender hands him a glass of whiskey and says, "You look like you're in pretty bad shape there. What happened to your leg?"

The pirate looks up and says, "Arrr, the leg. We were in the Caribbean when a hurricane came up. I was washed overboard. Somehow I didn't drown. After the storm passed I tried to swim to shore and a shark bit the leg clean off at the knee."

"Wow, that's rough," says the bartender. "But what about the hand? How did you lose that?"

"Arrr, yes. We were sailing around the Ivory Coast, when we were attacked by the Queen's navy. I lost the hand defending me boat."

The bartender refills his drink and says, "The pirate's life certainly isn't one I would choose. How did you get that patch?"

"Arrr. A bird pooped in me eye."

"What?" says the bartender. "That's what took out your eye?"

"Well, you see, I'd only just got the hook the day before..."


Phil

[UniBrier]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy".

[gluteous maximus]

A guy calls the hospital:

He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "OK... Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

[Sofa]

The only blonde joke I ever laughed at:

What do you call a blonde upside-down?

A brunette with bad breath :eek:



Disclaimer...sensitive readers should not have read that

[sendhair]

Originally posted by Sofa
Disclaimer...sensitive readers should not have read that

Obviously, you flunked Timing at comedy school!

:rolleyes:

[sendhair]

-- Sorry. Didn't mean to shout like that! --

An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,

"If you could have a conversation with someone — living or dead — who would it be?"


The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

[harper]

What's brown and sticky?









A stick.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by harper
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Those Dixie cups are really amazing sometimes. :)

[yoopers]

This post, #111, will tie with the number of replies to the "Tastelessness" thread. Another few more views and we'll tie or surpass in that category.

Amazing what's of interest to certain groups of people. Says a lot about the fun-lovin' nature of this group, I think.

[Checkernuts]

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Sh*t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall

[Neil]

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

[sendhair]

A flea and a fly in a flue

Were imprisoned, so what could they do?

Said the fly, "Let us flee!"

"Let us fly!" said the flea.

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

[dazedNcontused]

An elephant met a mouse in the forest.

"My, you're big!" said the mouse, looking up. "Really, really big!"

"And you're small," said the elephant, looking down. "Really, really small!"

The mouse sighed and said, "I've been sick."

[gluteous maximus]

An woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

"Perhaps," the Wizard replies, "but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The woman responds without hesitation,

" 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' "

[Sofa]

This is radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No I say again divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!!!.

Canadians: This is the Lighthouse.......Your call.

[hell-on-wheel]

Have you seen the new pirate movie?









It's rated RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
(I guess this one is better if you say it out loud)

[hell-on-wheel]

Originally posted by hell-on-wheel
(I guess this one is better if you say it out loud)

And even then it's bad.


What's brown and sounds like a bell?






DUNG!!!!

[sendhair]

A Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot go into a pub and each orders a pint.

They each find a fly floating on the top of their brew.

The Englishman says, "Bartender, may I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his drink.

The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with his finger.

The Scot picks up his fly by the wings, and says, "All right, ya wee bastard! Spit it out! Now!"

[dazedNcontused]

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"

The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me. I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. Do you want to hear my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, YES!"

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

[Sofa]

what do you call a fly with no wings?


a walk

[sendhair]

A few have post jokes on this thread,

Which more than a few have now read.

John_Childs thinks you're demented,

Because you've cemented

Your butt onto a saddle that's dead.

[sendhair]

A famous one-wheeler named Foss,
Would grow rather cranky and cross
When some uni-ing tyke
Knew not his b*** from his yike,
Daggers long and so sharp John would toss.

[sendhair]

This long-haired fellow called Harper

Desirous of Uni-hubs sharper

Made good use of his smarts

And assembled some parts

To give him unparalleled "r" per.

[jagur]

there is this lonely woman who only wanted to meet a nice man,settle down and raise a family.

she had gone on countless dates but no guy ever seemed to give her the feeling he was "Mr. right"

one day on the internet she gets a pop-up add that says "meet the man of your dreams,Guaranteed! she knows this has to be a scam but she is so desperate she clicks for more info.

she is then redirected on to a site called "the Mr. right hotel.com" as she reads futher,she finds out that there is a real place in Las Vegas called the Mr.right hotel and it specializes in match makeing the perfect man for woman.

she desides to go for it,it may seem silly but a little vacation time in Vegas may be just what she needs anyhow.

landing in Vegas she gets a taxi to the the Hotel and goes inside.she is quickly confronted by a young bellhop.the bellhop says welcome and proceeds to tell her how the match making is done.

bellhop:"now mame there are four floors to this hotel,each has a row of doors with signs explaining what kind of men are behind them. all you have to do is choose a door on any of the four floors and walk inside,there waiting for you will be your perfect man.

she says (while giggling) "okay" and walks up to the first floor.

on the first floor she sees a sign that says "all thee doors on this floor contain men that have more money than you could ever spend but they will never truly love you." not wanting that she climbs the stairs to floor 2.

on the second floor a sign reads "behind these doors are all men who make good money.will love you dearly but are into alot of kinky stuff." not wanting that she climbs the stairs to floor 3.

on the third floor the sign reads "behind these doors are all men who make enough money to support a family and will love and cherish you for ever." THATS WHAT I WANT! she says.

as she is about to pick a door on the 3rd floor she remembers that there is still a forth floor.wondering if there is somthing better for her on the 4th floor,she climbs the steps.

at the top of the stairs of the forth floor there is a sign that says."there are no men or doors on this floor,this floor is only here to prove that women are never satisfied"

[unisteve]

A man and his wife are out for a drive. They happen by a pig farm and the man's wife says tp her husband, while pointing at the pigs, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yes," he responds. "In-laws."

[Scott Stephens]

Actual conversation on the Bozo the Clown show:

Bozo the Clown: You're never a loser on the bozo show, you're just an almost winner.

Kid(who has just lost the prize): Cram it, clown

Bozo: That's a Bozo no-no

This makes me laugh
I want to see this episode.

[gluteous maximus]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied. "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, ride a unicycle, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

[The Homey of Uni]

There was a woman who was watching the news one day. She saw a story about somebody driving down the freeway in the wrong lane.
She realized that her husband is on that freeway, and he won't know about this guy. She calls him up to let him know.

woman
"Honey, there's some crazy guy driving down the wrong lane on that freeway. You'll need to watch out for him."

man
"I'll say! But there are a whole lot more than just one of them!"

[joemc]

Before uni-ing I was into necrophile-bestial-bondage,

I had to give it up, I was just flogging a dead horse......

Apologies to any that require them!

[gluteous maximus]

Originally posted by joemc
Before uni-ing I was into necrophile-bestial-bondage,

I had to give it up, I was just flogging a dead horse......

Apologies to any that require them!

Strictly speaking, I think that flogging a dead horse would more properly be termed "bestial necro-discipline", unless you have left out some details in your description of your previous hobby...

You see, to qualify as bondage, someone has to be tied-up or restrained in some physical way.
If one's subject has been rendered unconscious (or dead, as in this case) from a flogging, it's considered good form to remove any bonds (including bridles and saddles or yokes) before continuing the discipline, since restraints on those already completely unable to move are thought to be "overkill", not to mention, unsporting.

Necrophilia, by definition, involves a more intimate relationship with the deceased than is usually found in a mere routine flogging...

... but of course, you know this already.

So were you being shy, or just coy?

By the way, have you ever tried keel-hauling a dead horse?

[hell-on-wheel]

Two priests were standing on the side of a road one night with a sign reading, "The End is Near!" An annoyed motorist driving past them shouted out his window, "Go home you religious freaks!", and then sped off. A few seconds later the sound of screeching brakes were heard followed by a huge splash. One of the priests turned to the other and said, "Think we should change the sign to simply read 'Bridge Out' instead?"

[GILD]

good 2 c u back sendhair
:cool:

[phil]

Originally posted by hell-on-wheel
Two priests were standing on the side of a road one night with a sign reading, "The End is Near!" An annoyed motorist driving past them shouted out his window, "Go home you religious freaks!", and then sped off. A few seconds later the sound of screeching brakes were heard followed by a huge splash. One of the priests turned to the other and said, "Think we should change the sign to simply read 'Bridge Out' instead?"
That is brilliant! :):):)

Phil

[JJuggle]

"I am the commander, see. I do not need to explain why I say things.
That's the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody
needs to explain to me why they need to say something, but I don't feel
like I owe anybody an explanation."

George W. Bush to Bob Woodward.

[S_Wallis]

Originally posted by JJuggle
"I am the commander, see. I do not need to explain why I say things.
That's the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody
needs to explain to me why they need to say something, but I don't feel
like I owe anybody an explanation."

George W. Bush to Bob Woodward.
Boy, I bet old JJuggle is a lot of fun at parties.:rolleyes:

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by S_Wallis

Boy, I bet old JJuggle is a lot of fun at parties.:rolleyes: Believe it or not way back when, when I used to get invited to parties I was quite the card. Hmmm, where did those invitations go, I wonder? :confused:

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[JJuggle]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of it's socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."






"You just happened to catch my eye."

[gluteous maximus]

http://www.dribbleglass.com/images/billboards/schwinn.jpg

[GILD]

>Boy, I bet old JJuggle is a lot of fun at parties.

firstly, hold off on the ageism before i shove my lower car-insurance premiums where your torker seat can't even reach

secondly, for a party where your brain gets to have as much fun as your body, u need to choose with care

ok, that's as controlled as i can get pissed-off
i was going to shut up and then i remembered that it is exactly this kind of dismissive BS ,that we saw from mr wallis, that will lead to more chaos on this planet than u can hope to imagine
'the only thing needed for evil to triumph...' and all that

that and the age thing

gluteous, would u please sit on him and his lil' dog too?

[S_Wallis]

Originally posted by GILD
>Boy, I bet old JJuggle is a lot of fun at parties.

firstly, hold off on the ageism before i shove my lower car-insurance premiums where your torker seat can't even reach

secondly, for a party where your brain gets to have as much fun as your body, u need to choose with care

ok, that's as controlled as i can get pissed-off
i was going to shut up and then i remembered that it is exactly this kind of dismissive BS ,that we saw from mr wallis, that will lead to more chaos on this planet than u can hope to imagine
'the only thing needed for evil to triumph...' and all that

that and the age thing

gluteous, would u please sit on him and his lil' dog too? Gild,
At first I was bewildered by your reponse, but then I realized that you took the word "old" literally rather than an expression like "good old JJ". Maybe I should have said ol' JJuggle. Anyway, I was making a joke about someone bringing up politics when people are trying to have fun. I am sorry that this text based communication and possibly different language backgrounds caused a problem.
The really funny part is that I am older than you or Raphael. I am 44 years old and am anything but dismissive about serious issues like war and politics. I have many sources of information to use to form my opinions, this unicycling forum is not one of them.

My Wilder has an airseat conversion, anything less is a weapon of ass destruction.
(that was the joke content):)

Scott Wallis

Getting younger by the ride.

[gluteous maximus]

Originally posted by S_Wallis


My Wilder has an airseat conversion, anything less is a weapon of ass destruction.

Scott Wallis

Getting younger by the ride.

Well, Dave (GILD), based on the above, I feel disinclined to accept your invitation to a flanking assault on Mr. Wallis, or any of his pets.

Anyone who is an active opponent of ass destruction is a friend of mine!

... and now, back to the JOKES, folks!

[gluteous maximus]

Q: What has three teeth and 60 feet?




A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

[gluteous maximus]

A man with a problem involving inability to control involuntary movements of his left eyelid is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm:

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking." "Really? Great! Show me." So, the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and instantly stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country." "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" said the interviewer. "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by S_Wallis
Gild,
At first I was bewildered by your reponse, but then I realized that you took the word "old" literally rather than an expression like "good old JJ". Maybe I should have said ol' JJuggle.Perhaps Dave's being South African and not American explains his not appreciating the meaning your intended. I certainly got it and I suspect most other Americans did as well. That is why I responded as I did.Anyway, I was making a joke about someone bringing up politics when people are trying to have fun.Who says I wasn't having fun? And who says my idea of fun has to conform to anybody elses? It may be political in nature, but you've got to admit that it's a pretty funny comment for a US president to make. I know I'm not the only one who watches the Sunday morning political shows and laughs his ass off at what the Republicans and the Democrats try to pass off as wisdom and truth (when I'm not crying or screaming back at them, that is.) Anyway, this was supposed to be a thread of clean jokes, not apolitical ones.The really funny part is that I am older than you or Raphael. I am 44 years old and am anything but dismissive about serious issues like war and politics. I have many sources of information to use to form my opinions, this unicycling forum is not one of them.One thing that is clear is that the cross section of political opinions on this forum is quite wide. If this place isn't a source of information for you, perhaps not for forming your own opinions, but certainly for hearing about the range of opinions out there, then I don't think your listening well enough.My Wilder has an airseat conversion, anything less is a weapon of ass destruction.
(that was the joke content):) A damn good one!

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[gluteous maximus]

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,

"Father, I'm 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren.
Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants.
They took me home and I made love to both of them.
Twice!"

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

Replies the man, "I'm telling everybody!"






A woman golfer visited a driving range and noticed the man next to her.

"Pardon me, sir," she said. "You're aiming in the wrong direction; towards the pro shop."

"Oy!" the man exclaimed. "Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt."

He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing.

"Not bad," she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."

"Tanks, again," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquires again.

"Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replies.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or vat?"

"You're quite presentable," she replies, "I don't think that should be a problem."

Smiling now, he says, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrupts him.

"Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.

"Vit gladness. All de help you got I vill take," he answers.

"Lose the Jewish accent," she replies. "You're Chinese."

[gluteous maximus]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[gluteous maximus]

If you jog in a jogging suit, swim in a swimsuit, run in running shoes, dine in a dinner jacket, lounge in lounging pajamas and smoke in a smoking jacket—why would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?

[gluteous maximus]

Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?








A: You let the pitbull finish.

...................................................................


Q: What has four legs and an arm?





A: A happy pitbull!

[JJuggle]

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them
are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher
asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore
fan". The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, Well, my mom's
an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher
is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was
a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

"That would make me a Bush fan.", says Johnny.

===============================================================

The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his
lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form."
"You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you
want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at
his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked
with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still
curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell
me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint
whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".

[gluteous maximus]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The customer places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the customer asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[gluteous maximus]

Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?



A. Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

[gluteous maximus]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Just as the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[gluteous maximus]

There are two different types of people in this world.

1) Those who finish what they start,

[john_childs]

Originally posted by JJuggle

"That would make me a Bush fan.", says Johnny.

Actually, that would make him a Ralph Nader fan. :)
Now I can laugh at that joke.

[GILD]

assorted apologies offered for my off-the-handle-flying earlier in the thread

a south africa cartoonist's take on the issue
(this guy's stuff is brilliant and he can truly be described as an investigative cartoonist)

[S_Wallis]

http://www.wileytoons.com/

[JJuggle]

http://www.wileytoons.com/ ========================================
Guy 1: Hey, I've been away for a while but I just heard
that Whoopi Goldberg left Hollywood Squares. What
a bummer.

Gal: Yeah, it is. I mean nobody could really ever replace
Paul Lynnde (chuckles to herself at the memory of Lynnde)
but Whoopi sure had that something that makes the center
square so, like, I mean...well....you know.

Guy 2: Guys, guys, I just read that Bush wants to eliminate
taxation on dividends. Wow, what a boon for the already
rich, hmmm, but then again I might....

Guy 1: Yeah, yeah, I think I saw something about that. Hey did you hear
that Nicole Kidman is doing a remake of the Stepford Wives?
I mean, could you really improve on that masterpiece?

Gal: Dunno. But wow, Kidman has such a killer bod, you know,
I don't think it's going to be that convincing that it could
be made better, you know. (Wanders off momentarily wishing
she had a killer bod, too.)

Guy 1: So what, you want to hit Mickey Ds or KFC for lunch? Sheesh,
that Jason Alexander really cracks me up.

=========================================

Cheers,
Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[gluteous maximus]

It's Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.
Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, lying naked on her bed with her legs apart.
Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have my way with her, and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.

Suddenly, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "did you hear something?"

"Owww!," replies the Invisible Man, "No, I didn't hear a thing... but,... owwww!"

[gluteous maximus]

http://starrynight_1.tripod.com//sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/elephant_ear_twitch_md_wht.gif


Why do elephants wear sandals?

So they don't sink in the sand.



Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?

To look for elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.



Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?

Because if they were small, round, and white they would be aspirin.



What did Hannibal say when he saw 1000 elephants coming over the hill?

Look! There's 1000 elephants coming over the hill!



What did Hannibal say when he saw 1000 elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?

Nothing--he didn't recognize them.



What is big, red, and slimey?

An inside-out elephant.



What's clear on the outside and grey on the inside?

An elephant in a BaggieTM (plastic sandwich bag).

[gluteous maximus]

Of course, animated Pirate Riddles (http://www.clevermedia.com/arcade/pirateriddles1.html) are always nice, too!





Wait patiently for it to load.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus

Why do elephants wear sandals?

So they don't sink in the sand.


And of course my favorite elephant joke:

What is the black stuff between elephant's toes?

Slow pygmies.

[phil]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure, Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine officer, here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening the trunk?I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying sod told you I was speeding too...

Phil

[phil]

If only these were words...

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of ironic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


Phil

[phil]

...Unlike this, which is a word!

Anatidaephobia: The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Phil

[phil]

Top 20 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:

1. Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, offensive programming is what we do best.
2. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
3. This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
4. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
5. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
6. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
7. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
8. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. Bugs are good for building character in the user.
9. I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest on the holodeck. They will not concern us again.
10. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
11. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
12. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
13. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
14. Our competitors are without honor!
15. Python? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary.
16. Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Ferengi.
17. Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine.
18. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
19. My program has just dumped Stova Core!
20. Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!

Phil

[Unimoron]

This joke is actually really funny, it may be good advice too


Save the trees, Wipe your ass with an owl.



:D

[daino149]

Originally posted by Unimoron
This joke is actually really funny, it may be good advice too


Save the trees, Wipe your ass with an owl.



:D



No No No, It's
Save a tree -- eat a beaver

Daniel

[Unimoron]

Laugh out loud i havent heard of that 1.

[gluteous maximus]

Originally posted by Unimoron
Laugh out loud i havent heard of that 1.

Then what are you laughing about?



While I'm here...



A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the grill and front bumper. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The people who witnessed the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars... but I'm not.
Have a nice day!"

[uni57]

Since this is a gallery of CLEAN jokes in a forum of UNICYCLISTS, here we go...

Why did the bar of soap cross the road?

.
.
.

Actually, I don't have a punch-line. It's only "half a joke."

Sorry.

uni57 (Dave) "Where's the other half of your joke?"

[Unimoron]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus
Then what are you laughing about?

I was laffin at the post above mine. If you care to look.



P.S I bet you dont know why the chicken crossed the road.

[uni57]

Originally posted by Unimoron
P.S I bet you dont know why the chicken crossed the road.
Well, it certainly cannot top my unique and original contribution to this thread, but I'll bite.

Tell me, Unimoron, why did the chicken cross the road? :)

uni57 (Dave)

[Grokthezeppelin]

This was sent to me several months ago I was roflmao.


THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American university.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

--------------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FU**ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
A**hole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bit**.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get fu**ed.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Eat sh**.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
FU** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - wh*re.
**********************************************

(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

[yoopers]

The seashore

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would* respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed*that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping*up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."

[phil]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?? The girl says, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.

Phil

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by phil
Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.Originally posted by yoopers
"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."You two really ought to be ashamed of yourselves. :rolleyes:

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[Steve]

Here are some t-shirt slogans I have collected. Be aware some of these are REALLY obscure.

T shirts
Aliens abducted my chiwawa.
Defecation Eventuates.
Just visiting this planet.
STOP Continental Drift!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
If you are not part of the solution you are part of the precipitate.
Peanut Butter. Nature's mute button
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Gravity always gets me down.
When all the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
Ask me about my vow of silence. Roses are red, violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I.
The world is full of apathy but I don't care.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
YOU! Off my planet!
You (heart symbol from playing cards) whales? I (club symbol from playing cards) seals.
Once you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade he is no longer your friend.
Abbrev.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Does the word Dada mean anything to you?
All generalizations are false.
Studip.
Thnik.
Dyslexics of the world untie.
It's starting to smell a lot like stupid in here.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
There is no such thing as non-existence
Avoid Alliteration, Always.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Save the manatees! Fur is murder!
I do not feel the need to explain my art to you.
The more times you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Don't Panic (on upper left corner of the front) 42 (on back)
Recursive, Adj.; see Recursive
life is tough but it is a whole lot harder when you are stupid.
Information(symbol) Information.
333 sign of the Semi-Christ.
668 neighbor of the beast.
Ford, you are turning into a penguin again. Stop it.
Oh no, not again.
I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Don't take life so seriously… it's not permanent.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
"Invent a wise saying and live for forever."(Anonymous)
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and wondered, "Where is the ceiling?"
No sense in being pessimistic; it probably wouldn't work anyway.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
You sound reasonable. time to up my medication again.
It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.
You laugh because I am different, I laugh because you are all the same.
Smile if you are not wearing any underwear.
1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
I know what you are thinking and you should be ashamed of your self.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Had a life. Got a modem.
If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.
Jeez if you believe in Honkus.
Doing my part to piss of the religious right.
My opinions are not for public display.
Save the roaches.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Conserve water; shower with a friend.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it.
Your planet's immune system is trying to get rid of you.
The lab called, your brain is ready.
1.8 x10^12 furlongs per fortnight. "Tis a good idea, and it doth be the Law."
Will build thermonuclear devices for food.
Procrastinate later.
It's a control freak thing. I wont let you understand.
First they burn books then they burn people.
Who are you to question why your god doesn't want me to believe in him?
No job too easy! No fee too large! Dragons rescued! Virgins slain!
You earthlings have such strange breeding habits.
Different drummer? I'm my own band!
this one is my favorite Do autoparanoid schizophrenic agnostic dsylexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the Dog that is out to get them?
Carpe Noctum. Anything worth doing happens after dark.
This space intentionally left blank.
Question Authority-Don't ask why; just do it!
I'll get a life when someone proves that it is better than what I have now.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
Prune farmers start movement
Have you thanked random chance today?

Steve

[nosabe332]

revisiting the theme of clean jokes, here's a gem:

In a land far away, a king was under siege by the neighboring factions. Though his army was strong, it couldn't hold up against the combined forces of the enemy. Finally, he asked his council for the best course of action. They decided to send out a messenger to reach his brothers in a distant kingdom, and they would bring reinforcements. They called upon their strongest warrior, and gave him the letter to deliver to the brothers. Wishing him well, they watched him speed off beyond the castle walls. However, as he went along, a giant yellow hand descended from the clouds and snatched him right off the road. And so, the king continued calling his knights, trying to get his brothers. The same thing happened everytime, the giant fingers would pick them off the road as soon as they got near. While the king was distressing, a small boy, one of the pages* in the kingdom volunteered for the dangerous mission. Out of ideas, the king agreed, and sent him on his way. When the page reached the spot where all the knights were captured, the giant yellow hand came out from the clouds and tried to grab the page. However, the page was so small he slipped through the fingers of the hand! He reached the brothers, and the kingdom was saved. Moral of the story: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

*a youth being trained for the medieval rank of knight and in the personal service of a knight


(it's a gallery of clean jokes, not good jokes:) )

[Sofa]

Originally posted by nosabe332
revisiting the theme of clean jokes, here's a gem:

In a land far away, a king was under siege by the neighboring factions. Though his army was strong, it couldn't hold up against the combined forces of the enemy. Finally, he asked his council for the best course of action. They decided to send out a messenger to reach his brothers in a distant kingdom, and they would bring reinforcements. They called upon their strongest warrior, and gave him the letter to deliver to the brothers. Wishing him well, they watched him speed off beyond the castle walls. However, as he went along, a giant yellow hand descended from the clouds and snatched him right off the road. And so, the king continued calling his knights, trying to get his brothers. The same thing happened everytime, the giant fingers would pick them off the road as soon as they got near. While the king was distressing, a small boy, one of the pages* in the kingdom volunteered for the dangerous mission. Out of ideas, the king agreed, and sent him on his way. When the page reached the spot where all the knights were captured, the giant yellow hand came out from the clouds and tried to grab the page. However, the page was so small he slipped through the fingers of the hand! He reached the brothers, and the kingdom was saved. Moral of the story: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

*a youth being trained for the medieval rank of knight and in the personal service of a knight


(it's a gallery of clean jokes, not good jokes:) )

Worst joke evvvver!

[nosabe332]

:cool:
notice how it says 'edited'. the thing i edited was 'here are two gems' to 'here is a gem'. be thankful i didn't put two! well, here is another to reconcile the first:

Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole.

"Could I see him?" Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golfbag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

[yoopers]

An elderly couple decided to take a tour of Russia. So they lined up the trip and soon found themselves in one of the most beautiful hotel suites in downtown Moscow. On the morning of their first scheduled tour of the city, the elderly gentleman wakes to discover precipitation outside the hotel window. Somewhat discouraged, the man places a call to their tour guide, Rudolph, to discuss the situation. The conversation went something like this:

Elderly man: "It's sleeting outside, we'll have to postpone".

Rudolph: "Sir, it's just a little bit of rain, we'll be okay."

Elderly man becoming indignant: "I tell you it's sleeting, we have to call the whole thing off!"

Rudolph: "Sir, really, we'll be fine. The rain is hardly noticible."

Elderly man, voice reaching feverish pitch: "I TELL YOU IT'S SLEETING, WE CAN'T GO!"

At this point, his wife is awake from the loud conversation. The elderly man shoves the phone receiver into his wife's face and shouts, "Edna, tell the man it's sleeting!"

Edna gently lays one hand on his arm and explains: "No, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Neil]

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a server went down, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and then leaves.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY: An admin who seems to thrive on being stressed out, whine, and complains about stupid users all day.

SWIPEOUT: An access card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404: A completely clueless end-user.

INOCULATTE: Taking coffee intravenously when you are pulling an all-nighter getting that database online from the backup tapes.

OHNOSECOND: That fraction of time after hitting Enter, in which you realize that you've just permanently erased a big database.

[UniBrier]

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopesand dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"
Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. "
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers...
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Finally, an explanation for why I am the way I am.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by yoopers
Edna gently lays one hand on his arm and explains: "No, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Raphael,

NOW I'm ashamed of myself.

[nosabe332]

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."

[gluteous maximus]

A bear walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

The bear replies, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."


The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"


The bear replies, "I was born with them."


(and then...)

A skeleton walked into the same bar...

"What'll it be?", asked the barman.

"I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton.

[dazedNcontused]

Rene Descartes is having coffee after a lovely meal in Paris. The waiter comes by and asks, "Will monsieur be having some coffee?"

Rene says, "No, I think not." And promptly disappears.

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by dazedNcontused
Rene says, "No, I think not." And promptly disappears. THAT is funny.









"Rene Descartes was a drunken fart; 'I drink therefore I am' " Monty Python's Philosopher Song

[uni57]

Originally posted by dazedNcontused
Rene Descartes is having coffee after a lovely meal in Paris. The waiter comes by and asks, "Will monsieur be having some coffee?"

Rene says, "No, I think not." And promptly disappears. Okay, thanks. I wasted ten minutes on this one. :) And once I finally got it, it wasn't even funny. Arrrrgggghhhh!!! :) <--- note the smileys...

As your punishment, I will re-submit my (slightly tweaked but) ENTIRELY ORIGINAL joke -- which was hand-crafted BY ME especially for silly UNICYCLISTS. Ready?

Why did the unicycle cross the road?

.
.
.

Actually, I don't have a punch-line. It's only "half a joke."

(sorry)

Hey buddy!!! Where's the other half of your joke?


You see, Descartes initially discarded any knowledge that could be doubted. All that he was left with was himself. He could not doubt his own existence. After all, there had to be something there which was doing the thinking. He then built up his philosophy from there. You can save yourself ten minutes of Googling (and get the joke right away) if you put it in its most memorable form: "I think, therefore I am."


uni57 (Dave), college dropout

[gluteous maximus]

:rolleyes: (magnified 10x)

[gluteous maximus]

Q: Why did Charles Bukowski kick the chicken across the road?

A: He wanted to see poultry in motion.

[Steve]

Why did the unicyclist beat the bicyclists across the road?













Because the Bicyclists were two tired (tyred for all of you across the pond).


I am really sorry about that.


Steve

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by UniBrier
"Rene Descartes was a drunken fart; 'I drink therefore I am' " Monty Python's Philosopher Song For those of you that completely missed that BIG HINT (Dave!:)) here is the entire text:

Monty Python's
Philosophers' Song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant,
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel;
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel...
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed...

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram--
And René Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed--
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed!

http://sidehack.gweep.net/~jer/philosophers.html

http://www.hicom.net/~oedipus/books/philo.html

[jake the freak]

I just wanted to thank you all. I just worked the graveyard shift at work from 8:30 pm to 7:00 am. I am now about 40 minuites from completeing my 10 hour all nighter shift. I started reading here at the very beginning, and read every last responce. Very entertaining and kept my eyes open! My head is spinning with so many jokes now, I can't think of anything new to add, but will later if I think of anything worth sharing. Thanks for all of your levity!

[gluteous maximus]

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots...

The sheriff says,
"Billy-Bob, now what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies,
"Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
The sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues...
"Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and things got pretty hot and heavy, and, well, Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill, so we did. Up on the hill we resumed a-kissin' and a-cuddlin' and then all of a sudden, Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same! Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots...
Then Mary-Lou lay down on the ground and spread her legs and said,
"Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

[nosabe332]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus
"Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

whatever happened to the 'clean' gallery?

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[gluteous maximus]

Originally posted by nosabe332

whatever happened to the 'clean' gallery?

'Oh crap,' and then farted."

Hey, in the "My post's cleaner than your post" contest;

YOU typed "crap" and "farted", and I did not...

So, you know, ... "people who live in glass houses" and all that...


Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?

A: A fsh.

[gauss]

So there was this guy who went home to his wife after a hard drinking session at the bar, and this time she really has had enough. She tells him that if it happens again she is going to leave him. Well that very friday he was in the bar back at it. He drinks so much that he barfs on his shirt. He then realizes that he isn't going to be able to hide this from his wife. He tells the bartender who says, "Here, just take $20 from your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket, when your wife sees you, just tell her that some drunk guy ran into you on the street and threw up on you. Say he felt so bad that he offered to pay for the drycleaning and show her the $20." "That's a great idea!" the drunk man says. When he gets home, his wife sees the barf and begins to get all worked up. He tells her the story and pulls out the money and hands it to his bewildered wife. "But there is $40 dollars here, not 20," she says. "Oh yeah... he crapped in my pants too."

[nosabe332]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus


Hey, in the "My post's cleaner than your post" contest;

YOU typed "crap" and "farted", and I did not...

So, you know, ... "people who live in glass houses" and all that...
[/B]

touché.

speaking of glass houses...
there once was a king who lived in a glass castle. he had an odd hobby- collecting thrones. he soon had so many that he was putting them in the attic and the basement, and the dungeon and the kitchen. one year, he bought 10 thrones, and put them in the balcony. but it was 10 thrones too many. the castle collapsed, destroying all the thrones. moral of the story? people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones...
:rolleyes:

(sofa, got any comic book guy pictures in a throne?)

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?

A: A fsh. Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

A: The fish

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[nosabe332]

A Frenchman, a German and an Englishman were arguing about which of their respective languages was the best.

The Frenchman said, `French is the language of romance, the most beautiful language in the world."

The German said, `German is the language of science and technology, the language most fitted to the needs of the twentieth century.'

And the Englishman said, `Nonsense! There's only one decent language, and that's English.

We English say what we mean - no messing about. Take this for instance.' He held up a light-bulb.

`You Frenchmen call it an ampoule. And you Germans call it a gluhbirne.

We in England simply call it a light- bulb, which, after all, is precisely what it is.

[uni57]

Originally posted by nosabe332
people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones... :rolleyes: I modified the common form of the following joke to make it valid...

When you go kayaking in the winter, be sure to dress warmly. Because everyone knows you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

and...

I just came down with a case of mood poisoning. Must be something I hate.

uni57 (Dave)

[jagur]

Question:how many feminists does it take to screw into a light bulb?

Answer: one!!! do you have a problem with that you sexist pig?

[onefluffybunny]

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans!

[gluteous maximus]

Sister Mary Glenn and Sister Mary Robert were on the third week of their pilgrimage holiday in the Carpathian Mountains. They had said "Goodbye and God bless!" to all the nuns at St. Vladimir's monastery bright and early, but their departure had been delayed when the bishop showed up at the last minute and invited them to lunch in the village. The bishop seemed to be especially fond of Sister Mary Glenn, and had even given her a silver cross on a chain which had been blessed by His Holiness, the Pope in Rome, as a farewell gift! Things had taken a little too long at the post office when they tried to send postcards to their convent back in the Bronx but couldn't remember the Zip code, and then there had been that herd of goats on the road that had held them up for another half hour, but at last, they were putt-putting along the winding mountain road through central Romania in their rented Fiat...

... but now the sun was setting, and it looked like they wouldn't get to St. Anastasia's, the next convent, which was still another 40 kilometers east, until well after dark...

It was Sister Mary Glenn's turn to drive, and, squinting into the advancing twilight, she thought she saw something in the road up ahead. She turned on the headlights, but whatever it was seemed to shoot straight up and out of sight. Sister Mary Glenn turned to Sister Mary Robert, and started to say "Did you see...", but the look on Sister Mary Robert's face made her look back at the road, just in time to see something come flying straight at the windshield!


WHAM!


There, clinging to the windshield, snarling and snapping its teeth, was the ugliest, meanest-looking vampire that Sister Mary Glenn and Sister Mary Robert had ever seen!

(Actually, neither of them had ever seen a real vampire before, but, well, you know what I mean...)

Sister Mary Glenn's first reflex was to stomp on the accelerator pedal, which made the Fiat lurch ahead about 7 kmph faster. She looked at Sister Mary Robert and screamed, "Oh, my Lord!!! Sister! What can we do?!"

Sister Mary Robert was the sensible, level-headed one. "Don't worry, sister!" she replied in a calm voice, "The good sisters at St. Vladimir's warned me that something like this might happen, so I filled the windshield-washer reservoir with Holy Water from the chapel before we left. Hit the windshield washer button!"

Sister Mary Glenn did as she was told, but though the Holy Water scorched and blistered its skin with each spray from the washer nozzles, and its face was being smacked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, by the wiper blades, the vampire just hung on tighter, snarling louder, and getting uglier and meaner-looking!

"NOW WHAT'LL WE DOoooo!!!?" wailed Sister Mary Glenn, who was having trouble seeing the road, since the windshield was now smeared with melted vampire skin.

Sister Mary Robert was getting dangerously close to the sin of despair herself, when, in a moment of divine inspiration, she yelled, "Show him your cross, Sister! Show him your cross!"

At these words, Sister Mary Glenn snapped back from the brink of panic, looked at Sister Mary Robert with the grim determination of True Faith, and nodded. She cranked down the window, and keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel with one hand, looked that snarling, spitting, blistering, bat-out-of-you-know-where-ugly vampire in the eye, and shouted,



"HEY! Get the **** off the car, you {%@@\~>"@ son of a *****! I'm tryin' to drive, here!"

[onefluffybunny]

What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?

A fungi to be with!

[phil]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the Englishman and stand him in front of the pole.

He points and shouts, "Tornado!"

They all look and the Englishman runs away. Next, they place the Scotsman in front of the firing squad.

He yells "Earthquake!"

They all hit the dust and the Scotsman escapes. Next up is the Irishman.

He looks around and shouts "Fire!"



Phil

[manic_mark]

carrying on phil's theme...

An englishman a scotsman and an irishman are all about to be executed.
The executioner tells them they have two options, death by firing squad, or by the guillotine. The englishman is up first and opts for the guillotine, he places his head onthe block, and the blade comes down but stops above his head. The executioner says he will let him off, because it hasnt worked.
The scotsman is up next and also chooses the guillotine. Again the blade stops just above his head, so again the executioner lets him off.
The irishman walks up and says, "the guillotine obviously isnt working, so i'll haev the firing squad"

[onefluffybunny]

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.

[uni57]

Originally posted by manic_mark
carrying on phil's theme... The Engineer and the Guillotine

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is."

(posted for completeness, but manic_mark's version is better)

uni57 (Dave)

[onefluffybunny]

My dad loves that joke, as he is an engineer. He uses a doctor, laywer, and engineer. Each is given a choice if they want to face up or down. The doctor wants to face down to see all the people whose lives he saved from disease. Blade stops short. The lawyer wants to see all the people he saved from lawsuits. Blade stops short again. The engineer says he wants to face up to see all the inventions put into the sky by engineers (and the fact that engineers have no friends). And of course, before the blade falls, the engineer pipes up and says "Hey, I think I see your problem!"

Anyways, I told this kicker to a friend today, hope you enjoy it:
Two fools both own horses that graze in the same pasture. Unfortunately, they had trouble telling them apart. So the first fool notches his horse's ear. This way one horse has a notch in his ear and the other doesn't. Unfortunatly, the next day the other horse happens to catch his ear on a wire fence, and the fools can't tell them apart again. So the second fool gets the idea to cut his horse's tail short. This works for a while until the first horse gets his tail caught in a gate. Finally, the two fools think to measure the horses. That's when they realize that the black horse is 2 hands taller than the white horse!

[GILD]

what succeeds?









a toothless budgie


(sorry, it's been a long thread)

[phil]

What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls?
"Rick O'Shay"

Paddy and Murphy are on the dole, and passing a post office they see an ad saying "tree fellers required". Sadly they pass on by, because there are only two of them.

How do you confuse an Irishman? Line four spades up against a wall and tell him to take his pick.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the door.

How do you sink a second Irish submarine?
Knock on the door and wait for the Irishman to pop his head out the window and say "I'm not falling for that again!"

What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you?
Take the pin out and throw it back.

/me hides from any lurking Irish people

[gluteous maximus]

All right, now!

Despite the Latin name given to me by my Imperialist Roman captors, my heart and my original name are from the Emerald Isle.

So, lest you wish to bandy ethnic jokes with me, I suggest you POMs all cease and desist with the Irish-bashing!


Here's a preview:

An Irish man is sittin' in a pub one night when three Englishmen walk in. The Englishmen sit down, and start to discuss how they can anger the Irishman... The first Englishman says,
"Watch this..."
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says,
"Hey, there, I hear your dear St. Patrick was a pervert!"

The Irishman just replies,

"Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman goes back to his seat, perplexed, but his friend jumps up and says,
"Here, lemme try that."
So he goes over to the Irishman and says,
"Hey, man, I hear your "blessed" St. Patrick was a transvestite pedophile!"

The Irishman only replies,

"Oh, is that so now?"

So the second Englishman, frustrated, goes back and sits down with his two friends. Then the third Englishman jumps up and says,
"Well, now, I gotta try that!"
So he walks over to the Irishman and says,
"Hey, now, I hear your beloved St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies,

"Aye, sure, an' that's what your friends have been sayin'."



Gluteous "Got My Shilelagh Around Here Somewhere" O'Maximus

[MUni14052]

This is actually a true story, but I found it real funny.

This one person in Milwaukee was going around killing poeple (this is definatley NOT funny part). Eventually, the police found him and brought him into custody, and they started asking him questions. One of the questions was:

"Why did you kill all of these people?"

He replied with:

"My dog told me to."

He also said that he had conversations with his dog on a daily basis. This was one messed up guy.

[gluteous maximus]

Originally posted by MUni14052
This is actually a true story, but I found it real funny.

This one person in Milwaukee was going around killing poeple (this is definatley NOT funny part). Eventually, the police found him and brought him into custody, and they started asking him questions. One of the questions was:

"Why did you kill all of these people?"

He replied with:

"My dog told me to."

He also said that he had conversations with his dog on a daily basis. This was one messed up guy.
So, your joke is... ?



BTW, it was NYC, his name was David Berkowitz ( Son of Sam ) (http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial/son/sonmain.htm), and the dog's name was Sam.

http://www.crimelibrary.com/graphics/photos/serial_killers/notorious/berkowitz/1a.jpg

[gluteous maximus]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were having drinks together in a pub, when the publican asked them the following question;

"When you are lying there in your coffin, and your family, friends, and all the others that have known you are gathered around at your wake, mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"

The Englishman promptly answered,

"I would like to hear my loved ones say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine father, and a good friend."

The Scotsman squinted thoughfully at the Englishman, and replied,

"I would like to hear it said that I was a loving and gentle husband and father, a hard-working and frugal businessman, and a loyal and trustworthy friend."

The Englishman and the Scotsman turned and looked at the Irishman, waiting for his answer.

The Irishman gazed up at the ceiling, lost in thought for a moment, then, drained his pint, and said,

"I'd like to hear them say, 'Well! Look at that, will ya! He's movin'!' "

[MUni14052]

So, your joke is... ?

My joke was that his dog told him to. I found it funny.

[Klaas Bil]

Maybe these are not jokes but rather riddles in which you have to exercise some 'lateral thinking'. Answers are given in ROT13.

1. If it rained for forty days and forty nights, and the animals entered in pairs at a rate of thirty pairs per day, how many days did it take Moses to get all three hundred and sixty animals onto the ark?

2. A man stopped his car opposite a hotel and immediately knew that he was bankrupt. How?

3. Dave ran halfway into the forest in half an hour. Steve claimed he had gone two-thirds of the way in the forest in the same time, but Dave said that it was impossible. Why?

Answers:
1. Abar. Vg jnf Abnu'f nex.
2. Ur jnf cynlvat Zbabcbyl.
3. Lbh pna bayl eha unysjnl vagb gur sberfg. Nal shegure naq lbh'er ehaavat bhg bs gur sberfg.

Klaas Bil

[dazedNcontused]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to dig up his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area, but had to leave without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba.

[phil]

Originally posted by dazedNcontused

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
That's brilliant!!! :)


A man notices thieves trying to break into his garden shed. He phones the police, but they say they have no available officers; he'll have to wait a few hours. The chap is not impressed.

He phones back a bit later, saying "I phoned about a burglary; there's no rush, it's alright now; I shot them." Cue a massive armed response arriving at his home within minutes; the thieves are promptly arrested.

"I thought you said you shot them?"
"I thought you said you had no available officers..."


Phil

[Unimoron]

Ugh, this is going to take a long time to type up. But its a good joke.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the
husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a couple firecrackers
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian
said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to
10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and a firecracker, put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", atwhich point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

[joemc]

What's blue and doesn't fit?











A dead epileptic.

[gluteous maximus]

http://i.cnn.net/cnn/2003/WORLD/meast/03/15/sprj.irq.main/tz.bushes.jpg Well, son, we could put our heads together and see if we can make an ass of ourselves...

[UniBrier]

Allegedly George Carlin but some of these sound like Stephen Wright.


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

10. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

11. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

13. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they stale to begin with?

15. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

16. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

17. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

18. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

19. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

20. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

21. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

22. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

23. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

24. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

25. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

26. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

27. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

28. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

29. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

30. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[Neil]

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. Thus, when the Hero tries to sneak into my Fortress, my other Legionaires will think: "That's not Steve..." and shoot him. Lots.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.

[Neil]

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

[gluteous maximus]

Neil, The White House phoned to ask if you could please return the President's "200 ways to be an Evil Overlord (without being able to count past 100)" plans now, pretty please.

:D

[Neil]

Originally posted by gluteous maximus
Neil, The White House phoned to ask if you could please return the President's "200 ways to be an Evil Overlord (without being able to count past 100)" plans now, pretty please.

:D

101 - Don't give away all your secret plans on an internet forum ;)

[harper]

One of my favorites:

A man was sitting peacefully, alone at a bar, drinking his beer. A svelt young woman, just recently poured into tacky clothing a size too small for her, moved slinkily up to the bar beside him. She smiled provocatively and said to him in a sultry voice, "I'll do anything you want for $200." The man looked both pleased and surprised when he replied, "really? Anything I want?" She purred to him as she stroked his arm, "anything at all." He quickly reached for his wallet and pulled out $200 and handed it to her saying, "paint my house."

[Neil]

I cannot count

[Neil]

101. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

102. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

103. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

104. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

105. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defences from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

106. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

107. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

108. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

109. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

110. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

111. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

112. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

113. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

114. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

115. If I capture the hero's star-ship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

116. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

117. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

118. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

119. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

120. If I come into possession of an artefact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

121. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

122. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

123. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

124. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof death-trap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

125. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

126. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

127. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

128. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

129. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

130. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

131. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

132. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

133. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

134. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

135. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

136. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

137. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

138. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

139. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

140. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

141. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

142. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honour.

143. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

144. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

145. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

146. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

147. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

148. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

[Neil]

149. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

150. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

151. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armour goes well with every outfit.

152. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

153. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

154. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

155. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

156. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

157. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

158. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

159. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

160. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

161. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

162. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

163. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

164. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

165. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

166. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

167. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

168. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

169. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

170. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.

171. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

172. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

173. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

174. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

175. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

176. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

177. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

178. I will not outsource core functions.

179. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

180. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

181. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

182. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

183. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

184. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full body-cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

185. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

186. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

187. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

188. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.

189. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

190. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

191. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

192. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

193. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

194. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

195. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

196. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

197. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

198. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

199. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor...

200. My magical armour will actually be reinforced with Kevlar. You can never be to careful.

[gluteous maximus]

Athena sprang fully grown from the head of Zeus...

...AND YOU'RE BUYING ASPIRIN?

Those headaches you've been having aren't symptoms of fatigue, they're labor pains. Your dreams and ideas have been boiling for years, just below the surface, and now your mind is ready to give birth.

But they are watching.

They know how your brain cells are blossoming towards transformation.

And they're scared.

Eyes follow you from dark corners, hidden cameras track your movements. And what about that old man peering at you from behind his paper...?

For now, it's okay; they've got you quarantined on a college campus, or wearing yourself out at some crappy job, or following the latest media scandal. But when your intelligence-tumor threatens to burst your skull and spill out into the environment, then watch it! The most dangerous cancer is that which is contagious. The most dangerous contagion leaps from head to head beyond their control.

When your neurons start to replicate themselves, in your head or in your actions, then you start to threaten their sterile dream of law and order. You threaten to become unpredictable.

That's when they put the red tag by your file:


"CARCINOGENIUS"


You've been marked for observation.


Wear your stigma with pride.


Credit where credit is due >>> (http://www.abrupt.org/CJ/CJ.html)

[dazedNcontused]

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi' murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of
ward this is. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor.
































wait for it
















































"It's the Burns unit."

[UniBrier]

Don't know if this belongs here or in Sofa's new Cow Roach thread.


A local farmer had been thoroughly bilked many times by a certain car dealer in town. Then one day the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming around to buy a cow. The farmer attached the following price information to the cow:

Basic Cow............................$500.00
Two tone exterior....................45.00
Extra Stomach.........................75.00
Product-storing equipment.........60.00
Straw chopper.........................40.00
Four spigots @ $30.00 each.....120.00
Cowhide upholstery.................125.00
Dual horns...............................15.00
Automatic fly swatter................38.00
Fertilizer attachment................185.00

Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1,203.00

[Klaas Bil]

This one's for JJuggle and whoever else enjoys it.

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage firsthand.

A year later, the young man returned home, saying, "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was a wonderful and enlightening experience, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the old man, "what have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," said his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian."

So, in the traditions of the Patriarchs, they went to see the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and HE returned as a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. So, they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed, the clouds above opened up and a mighty voice boomed out, "Amazing that you should come to me with this problem. I, too, sent My Son to Israel...

Klaas Bil

[JJuggle]

At the risk of being sued, I post this, one of my favorite of all time cartoons.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[GILD]

Originally posted by joemc
What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

i told this to a friend of mine who produces one of the major morning radio shows in johannesburg
he liked it and got me to tell it on air this morning


u should be able to hear it for the rest of today (monday 05-05)click on the (http://www.highveld.co.za/planet947/raw/raw.asp) morning quickie

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by GILD
u should be able to hear it for the rest of today (monday 05-05)click on the (http://www.highveld.co.za/planet947/raw/raw.asp) morning quickie I listened just to take the opportunity to hear what your voice sounds like, Dave.

I had no particular expectations and so no comments.

Thanks,
Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[GILD]

Originally posted by JJuggle
I listened just to take the opportunity to hear what your voice sounds like, Dave.Thanks,
Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

i do miss my days in internet radio with africam
for a better example of the kind of stuff i'm doing at the mo' (assuming anybody's interested) u can go here and click on 'Radio Pick nPay' (http://www.adsat.co.za/frames.html?row2col2=Stations.html)

[sendhair]

Two strangers were seated next to each other on a plane when the first guy turned to the second and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy,

"What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
Horses, cows, and deer all eat grass. The same stuff.
Yet deer excrete little pellets, while cows turn out flat patties, and horses produce clumps of what looks like dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[foolish]

Two cows standing in a field. One says "So, what do you think of this mad cow disease then?" The other replies "I don't care, I'm a tractor!"

***

Two ducks swimming in a pond. One says "QUACK" the other says "Hey, I was about to say that!"

***

A piece of bacon and a sausage were in a frying pan. The bacon says "phew! it's hot in here!". The suasauge exclaims "ARGH! talking bacon!"

***

Ok, this one makes no sense whatsoever, but somehow it always cracks me up.

Two biscuits bumped into each other in town one day. They were old friends, but had somehow lost contact with each other. On seeing his friend, one biscuit says "Hi there! I haven't seen you in ages! Whereabouts are you living now?" The other biscuit replies "I couldn't possibly tell you that, you'll steal my laundry!"

No, I don't get it either, but its so stupid it's funny!

[foolish]

A fighter pilot in the gulf was just returning from a bombing mission when he caught sight of something in the corner of his eye. He did a double take, but sure enough, flying at exactly the same speed as him just to his left was a guy on a flying carpet. The pilot performed some stunning aerial manouvers and started to fire at the bloke on a rug. It was a difficult chase but after a while he shot him down and returned to base a satisfied man. As soon as he got back, he told all of his pilot buddies about his little adventure. Most people where pretty impressed, but when he told his flight commander he just looked back with a disappointed face. "what's wrong?" asked the pilot. "My flying was exceptional, my aim perfect. What have I done wrong?" His flight commander replied "You idiot. That was an Allied Carpet."

I dont know if you have them in the US, but over here Allied Carpets is a chain of carpet stores :p

[manic_mark]

two buckets of sick walking down the road, and when they walk past a sidestreet one stops and starts crying. The other one ask's "what's the matter" he replies, "this is where i was brought up!"

[foolish]

Ok, so this one isn't exactly clean, but it is not offensive in any way.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dunnup


(go figure)

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by foolish
guy on a flying carpet
I thought we were gonna have a punchline with Carpet Bombing.

Klaas Bil