Gallery of clean jokes

[catinabag1]

just remember some silly ones from primary school:

Why did the plane crash?
Because the Pilot was a carrot.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because someone through a refrigerator at him.
and you call your mom jokes lame

[tobbogonist]

and you call your mom jokes lame
yes.

i did not say those jokes where good. i was just posting them.

although i do find the second one amusing.

[rob.northcott]

A man gets on a bus in central London and sits down. During the ride he notices the man sat next to him is tearing up a sheet of paper and throwing a small piece out of the window every few seconds. "Excuse me" he says "but why are you throwing paper out of the window?". "Keeps the elephants away" says the other man. Puzzled, the first man says "But there are no elephants round here." "Works well, doesn't it" replies the second man.


And another one (works best in a Jamaican accent):
A group of men were walking through a forest and came to a clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a strange plant covered in thin strips of meat. "It's a bacon tree!" said one of the men "I'm hungry from all this walking - I'm going to pick some".
The other men carried on walking slowly to give their friend a chance to catch up, but after a few minutes there was still no sign of him and they decided to go back and see where he was. They got back to the clearing and there was their friend, lying on the ground near the strange tree, moaning and bloody. "What happened?" they asked him. "Ah you see, it's not a bacon tree after all. It's a ham bush!"

[dan de man]

i have one which is slightly risque but still apropriate for this thread

this guys is on a train and he notices this women sneezing every 3 minutes or so,he is naturly intrigues my this so he walks up to her as asks"why are you sneezing?" to which she replies"i have a condition that when ever i sneeze i have an orgasm" "what are you taking for that?"the man asks ,she replies "pepper."

[harper]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall
for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's 'at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.

I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idear
what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number
above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde
woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son

'Boy................. ..go git'cha Momma..............

[UniBrier]

A while back an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar (though no tags) and well-fed belly and the fact that he was clean that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the sofa. My dogs didn’t seem to mind, and he seemed like a good dog, so I let him nap. An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day the dog came back, resumed his position on the sofa, and slept for another hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don’t mind but want to be sure it’s OK with you.”

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with 10 children—he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?”

[tobbogonist]

how much water in a Jug.

a jug full.

[yoopers]

how much water in a Jug.

a jug full.
What if it's not a jug of water?

[Joe2005]

What if it's not a jug of water?
Then the questions wouldn't be how much water is in a jug.

[UniBrier]

According to the e-mail I got this in, these are from real parents. I could have sworn they were written by some of our own infamous posters...


NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an Arkansas school district. Spellings have been left intact.


My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the sh__s.

Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[UniBrier]

Millionaire

Mick appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? (a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo, or (d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Pat back home in Rochelle." Mick called up his friend, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Mick!" cried Pat. "That’s simple......it's the Cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Pat?" asked Mick. "I'm sure." Mick hung up the phone and told the TV host, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"That it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the host screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Pat to their local bar to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Pat? How did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know about birds!"

"For goodness sake!" laughed Pat. "Everybody knows a Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[JJuggle]

Millionaire ...clock!"
We are happy for you.

[wobbling bear]

two old french ladies full of wrinkles are chatting together:
- "remember when we were young? .... we all dreamed to look like Brigitte Bardot!"
- " Ah? Yes! .... and now this dream has come true!"

[ntappin]

According to the e-mail I got this in, these are from real parents. I could have sworn they were written by some of our own infamous posters...


NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND...

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an Arkansas school district. Spellings have been left intact.


My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the sh__s.

Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

Mary ann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


I think this is a result of many immigrant families where they just don't have that much English knowledge. Although I found them funny they are also a bit sad. I was also finding some funny because they aren't the kind of thing that a kid would be get, or at least that a parent would tell a teacher about. The Hangover one stands out.

I think though that they were saying those things because they didn't know the proper English terms.

[harper]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blonds, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blond yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

[yoopers]

Billboard for Daisy Outdoor Products:

"Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping Kids Off Your Lawn Since 1886!"

[john_childs]

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Irishman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Scotsman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes it while yelling, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"

[warlord14]

A blond a brunet and a red head are on a cruse and on the last day of the cruse there ship sinks in a storm and out of the 100 passengers they are the only to survive luck was on there side they where able to swim to an island a mile from ware the ship went down and after three days on the island they decide the only way that they will make it is to swim so the red head try's first she swims a mile and drowns next the brunet try's she swims 2 miles and drowns and finally the blond try's she swims half way gets tired and swims back.

thats a stupid joke i have no idea why i told it?

[UniBrier]

A blond a brunet and a red head...Who taught you spelling and capitalization? The blonde, the brunette, or the red head?

[harper]

Who taught you spelling and capitalization? The blonde, the brunette, or the red head?

??? I don't get it. Is that funny?

[Klaas Bil]

??? I don't get it. Is that funny?As everybody knowns, red heads are more intelligent than brunettes, let alone blondes. So she purposely taught "blond" and "brunet" so that she herself would shine more. Hahahaha.

Uhm... but shouldn't it be "redhead"?

[harper]

As everybody knowns, red heads are more intelligent than brunettes, let alone blondes. So she purposely taught "blond" and "brunet" so that she herself would shine more. Hahahaha.

Uhm... but shouldn't it be "redhead"?

Thanks. I knew that only another Dutchman could make that clear.

[unibikeling]

A blond, a brunette, and a red-head are on a cruise. On the last day of the cruise, their ship sinks in a storm. Out of the 100 passengers, they (blond, brunette and the red-head) are the only to survive. Luck was on their side they were able to swim to an island a mile from where the ship went down. After three days on the island they decide the only way that they will make, it is to swim. The red head tries first. She swims a mile and drowns. Next, The Brunette tries, she swims 2 miles and drowns. Finally, the blond tries, she swims half way, gets tired, and swims back.

Thats a stupid joke, I have no idea why I told it.

FTFY

[yoopers]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[rem48]

Here's another:

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

[1wheelwonder]

A redhead and 5 blondes are hanging for their lives under a slowly breaking bridge. They had already thrown off all their luggage but they are still to heavy. ' Someones going to have to jump' says the redhead. All the blondes shake their heads and say their excuses. Finally the redhead says ' Fine.. I'll go, but tell my family I love them, my boyfreind that I was very lucky and look after my dog Charlie. These are my last moments alive so I bid you fair well and good luck.....' And all the blondes clap.... ;)

[warlord14]

How many blond jokes are there..... just one all the rest are true stories.:D

[UniBrier]

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about ahighly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmittedorally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss,any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises, take two good friends to the nearest grocery storeand purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating NeutralizerExtract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminatedfrom your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK iscontrolling your life.

(For those of you too young for the antidote, you probably don't have the WORK virus anyway.)

[harper]

Car talk joke last weekend.

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

[1wheelwonder]

man i love that joke

[maestro8]

Two guys are hanging around the watercooler killing time:

One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"

"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."

The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU FAT, STUPID, B**TCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

[1wheelwonder]

hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[UniBrier]

Pickets to TittsburghWe're treading on thin ice on the "Clean" Jokes here but for those of you that don't know the real origin of this 40 year old joke (I know my brother told me this one before I was 10):

Three priests are in a train station on their way to Pittsburg. A young man who has recently become a priest, a middle-aged priest and a very old priest. The oldest hands all the money to the youngest and says "As you are very young, you have not experienced much of life yet. I give you the responsibility of buying our tickets. We need three tickets to Pittsburg and I want the change back in nickels and dimes." The young priest says "Thank you father. I'll do my best." The young priest goes to the ticket counter where there is a slow moving line. After a long wait he comes to the ticket window and discovers the reason for the delay. Behind the counter is a young woman of striking beauty who is very well endowed and scantily clad. The young priest has a hard time keeping his eyes off her. She says "Can I help you?". The young priest , startled, says "Yes. I need three pickets to Titsburg." The young priest is most embarrassed by this and picks up all the money and runs back to the other two. They are both disgraced. The middle aged priest takes the money and says "I can handle this father" and proceeds to the ticket window. After a long wait he steps up to the same girl at the window. He too is caught staring. She says "can I help you?". The priest says "Yes". I need three tickets to Pittsburgh." The priest is relieved that he got past that then he remembers "And I need my change in nipples and dimes." He grabs the money and runs back to the other two. The young priest is very happy that he is not the only one that screwed this up. The old priest is disgusted. Promising a stern lecture on board the train about the sins of man, he takes the money and goes to buy the tickets. After a long wait he stands before the same girl at the ticket window. He looks her in the eyes and says "I need three tickets to Pittsburgh and I want my change in nickels and dimes." After the girl gives him his tickets and change, he looks her over from head to toe and says, "Young lady. Judging from your looks and the way you have dressed for work I can guess at the way you behave away from here. You can be assured that when you get to the Pearly Gates, Saint Finger is going shake his peter at you!"

[JJuggle]

We're treading on thin ice on the "Clean" Jokes here but for those of you that don't know the real origin of this 40 year old joke (I know my brother told me this one before I was 10):

Three priests are in a train station on their way to Pittsburg....Saint Finger is going shake his peter at you!"
I don't get it.

Why did they want the change in nickels and dimes?

[UniBrier]

Why did they want the change in nickels and dimes?I think they needed bus fare in Pittsburg (or a second punch line with the second priest.)

[harper]

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?_________

[Klaas Bil]

A man and a woman, each driving a car, have a collision in the middle of nowhere. The man gets out of his car, mad at the woman for he is sure that the accident is her fault. She however says: you know, maybe it is fate that brought us together, it could be the start of something. Maybe we can get to know each other better. Maybe we'll have a relationship. Maybe we can get married. Maybe we will even be happy. Hmmmm, says the man. You know what, continues the woman, I happen to have a good bottle of wine. Why don't we drink to our encounter? She opens the bottle, hands it to the man and says: you drink half of it, no more. The man drinks half the bottle of wine, hands it to the woman and says: your turn.

She says: no thanks. I'll wait for the police.

[JJuggle]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train due to a computer error.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own freaking blanket!!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[harper]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[JJtheunicycle]

My sister sent me this one so it must still be clean.


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A
night of tall tales begins...

The guy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands, and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

The guy from Wyoming couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I am still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his p****.



Hahaha great one.

[UniBrier]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the Octoslam. You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

[MrBoogiejuice]

What's the difference between a Belgian and a French kiss?









They're much the same but a Belgian kiss has more Flem.

[yUNIkoner]

A music joke.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down?


Put a music stand in front of him.

[MrBoogiejuice]

How do you tell if a drumkit's on a slant?







Dribble's only coming out one side of the drummers mouth.

[yUNIkoner]

If you are in an elevator with a serial killer and a fascist dictator and you have a gun with one bullet in it, who do you shoot?






Kenny G!

[TADSunitONE]

Whats the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?





They are the same, except the Australian kiss is "down under"... ;)

[1wheelwonder]

3 women went to heaven and were met by saint Peter at the door. He said you will be happy here unless you step on a duck. The 3 women accepted and entered. Ducks were everywhere!

The first woman lasted 1 week until she stepped on a ducked and killed it. St Peter came with the world's ugliest man. He handcuffed them together and they stayed like that for eternity as a punishment.

The 2 lady stepped on a duck 3 months later. St Peter came with the 2nd ugliest man in the world. They were handcuffed together and the same fate happend to her.

The 3 woman lasted 6 months without stepping on a duck. St Peter came with the most handsome man and cuffed them together.
The 3rd lady asked why he was handcuffed to her. He said "I stood on a duck..."

[SirCharles1st]

How do you tell if a chromosome is male or female?


You pull down it's genes/jeans :D

[GILD]

I got this mailed to me under the subject-line:"A very, very short joke."

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says: "I smell fish".

I don't get it.

[Klaas Bil]

I got this mailed to me under the subject-line:"A very, very short joke."

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says: "I smell fish".

I don't get it.
A perch is also a fish species. Ha ha ha! (not)

And they must be parrots otherwise they could talk.

[GILD]

I did not know that.

Thanx!

[Mikefule]

And they must be parrots otherwise they could talk.

I quite agree. Where would the sense be in a joke with talking animals?

[Klaas Bil]

I quite agree. Where would the sense be in a joke with talking animals?Oops, I meant "couldn't". Or "so that".

[Gadge]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says: "I smell fish".

That reminds me of:

What vehicle would a trout ride?
A motorpike & side-carp!

Sorry:o
p.s. just remember not to transport your Uni in it...

[Mikefule]

A white horse trots into a pub and asks for a glass of whisky.

"What sort of whisky?" asks the barman.

"Any sort, just whisky," says the horse.

"We've got Bells, Teachers, Glen Parva, Glen Nyskinnock..."

"Just Whisky, please."

"Well, we've got one named after you..."

"What? Eric?"

[Hazmat]

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

What is it?
----------------------------------------------------------

The answer is: "A Last Name."

[JJuggle]

Guy is checking in for a flight and tells the agent, send one of my bags to Miami, one to LA, and one to Chicago.

The agent says, I'm sorry we can't do that.

Guy says, why not, you did it last week?

[Mikefule]

A man is driving down a remote country lane in his old car when the engine splutters and dies. He coasts into a field gateway and gets out to see if he can identify the problem. He lifts the bonnet (US = hood) and doesn't know where to start looking.

He hears a voice say, "It's your plug leads."

Startled, he looks around, and there is no one there. Just am old brown horse looking over the gate.

He turns back and continues to examine the engine.

"I said it's your plug leads. One's loose, causing the misfiring. Common problem on these older cars."

He looks around. There's no one there but the horse.

"Alright, who said that? Where are you hiding?"

"I said it," said the horse.

The man is shaken - shocked even - but the conversation continues, and within a few minutes he's checked the plug leads, found one to be loose, fixed the problem, thanked the horse and he's on his way.

A mile or so later he comes to an inn, and pulls into the car park. He rushes into the bar and demands a double Scotch.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," says the barman.

The driver tells him his story.

"Was it a brown horse?" asks the barman.

The man thinks for a bit. "Yes, it was."

"You were very lucky."

"Why lucky?"

"The black one knows sod all about cars."

[harper]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. 'Mother,' the nuns asked in earnest, 'please give us some wisdom before you die.' She raised herself up in bed and said, 'Don't sell that cow!'

[Biggestbtc]

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

What is it?
----------------------------------------------------------

The answer is: "A Last Name."
If I solved it, I say, "Ehrm...clean jokes, please."

[Klaas Bil]

If I solved it, I say, "Ehrm...clean jokes, please."Apparently you didn't solve it correctly. What's not clean about a last name? :)

[Biggestbtc]

Apparently you didn't solve it correctly. What's not clean about a last name? :)
Wow...talk about double entrendes! Underlying naughty meanings going on here.

Anyway, I like this one:

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

[Mikefule]

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


LOL. Reminds me of the old joke - "I went to a good school... it was approved, you know." (In those days, an "approved school" was one that was specially approved for dealing with badly behaved and difficult pupils.)

[onewheelishardcore]

Wow...talk about double entrendes! Underlying naughty meanings going on here.

Anyway, I like this one:

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


That was hillarious!

[MrBoogiejuice]

How many Freudians does it take to change a peni...Lightbulb!

[JJuggle]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The fish.

[Biggestbtc]

How many ballerinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, if they know the pirouette.

[UniBrier]

A man, standing in front of the bedroom mirror, was not happy with what he saw. He said to his wife, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.”

His wife responded, “Honey, your eyesight’s perfect.”

[Klaas Bil]

I WILL NOT complain about my job, EVER AGAIN!

[Pseudonym]

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It went down the lane and turned into a field.

[JJuggle]

I WILL NOT complain about my job, EVER AGAIN!
That has got to be the dirtiest, filthiest joke posted here. What were you thinking?

[Klaas Bil]

I thought I was in the "Gallery of funny pictures". Honestly.
:)

[Hazmat]

Here are some jokes.

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."


There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"


There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman....

One day they came across a ladder and climbed up it... as one does...

At the top of the ladder there was a genie and she said: "As you go down this slide, shout out whatever you want to land in..."

So the Englishman shouted "Beeeeeeer"
The Scotsman shouts "Whisssskey"
And the poor old Irishman shouted"weeeeeeeee!"

[critter]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What
do
you do?

...........................................................

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN










Democrat
Answer


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends
for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

........................................................................ .



Republican's
Answer:



BANG!


.....................................................................



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[unibikeling]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What
do
you do?

...........................................................

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN










Democrat
Answer


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends
for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

........................................................................ .



Republican's
Answer:



BANG!


.....................................................................



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!



i said shoot him in the leg/foot, cause i'm an expert shot and dont necesarily want to harm him. Also, i would make sure that hes running to harm me. thus i would move out of the way probably.

[Hazmat]

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

[unibikeling]

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

uhm


I know people who ski uphill -, and ive had to do it myself. haha. ask any ski patroller on here and they've probably skated (a skiing move) uphill before, or they already have skied uphill before with skins on their skis.


My birthday is actually nation thats what she said day haha.

note: i do not often drink coffee, but i love coffee.

[ninja tom]

how did the mathmetition get rid of his constipation?
worked it out with a pencil.

Hope that was clean enough..

[JJuggle]

how did the mathmetition get rid of his constipation?
worked it out with a pencil.
I'm ashamed to say that gave me quite a chuckle.

[masterfulmoron]

so, two muffins are put in the oven
one says to the other:
boy! it's hot in here
the otherone yell's
HEY LOOK! A Talking Muffin!

[GILD]

...but you stumble?

[masterfulmoron]

...but you stumble?

huh?:confused:

[rob.northcott]

huh?:confused:
Look at your sig.

[maestro8]

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

'Cause someone told him to "get a-long little doggie!"

[dudewithasock]

how did the mathmetition get rid of his constipation?
worked it out with a pencil.

Hope that was clean enough..

Probably one of the best I've seen on this thread, haha.

Random one that made me grin:

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[unibikeling]

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

'Cause someone told him to "get a-long little doggie!"

hahahaahaha....


thats so bad its actually quite funny lol.:D

[UniBrier]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Into the blue]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Almost... almost... on a par with "Better Nate then lever."

[MrBoogiejuice]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that They should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the eager Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Mark",Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ... "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Luke" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Judas" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"DRUG SQUAD MOTHER HUBBARDS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
__________________

[MrBoogiejuice]

Here come the puns...

Why wasn't Jane Fonda?

Because William Shatner.

What's an ig?

It's an Eskimo house with no loo.

What did the oblate circle have for a bedtime drink?

Ovaltine.

Why did the owl owl?

Because the woodpecker woodpecker.

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't s**t.

Sorry for the rude in that last one. I just think the loveliness of it makes up for it.

[JJuggle]

The difference between avian flu and swine flu is that for the one you need tweetment and for the other oinkment.

[maestro8]

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't s**t.

Sorry for the rude in that last one. I just think the loveliness of it makes up for it.

Agreed. I must compliment that joke with this:

What's the differrence between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits and the other...

[Klaas Bil]

Wat is het verschil tussen een matroos en een wc-papiertje?
De ene neemt afscheid en de andere neemt schijt af.

[Sanne.Kj]

Wat is het verschil tussen een matroos en een wc-papiertje?
De ene neemt afscheid en de andere neemt schijt af.
:rolleyes: :eek:
But - how many English-speaking people do you think get that? (I am Danish and read German, so with a little thinking and guessing nederlands is 75 % understandable.) ;)

Best regards
Sanne

[maestro8]

how many English-speaking people do you think get that?

I'd say most of the ones who know how to use an online Dutch-English translator.

[Klaas Bil]

I'd say most of the ones who know how to use an online Dutch-English translator.And if your translator does pronunciation, you'll get the wordplay too :-)

[Zzagg]

A duck walks into a pub and asks the owner:
"-Hello sir, could I have some kiwis, please?
-Kiwis? sorry sir we don't have any.
-OK, thank you and have a nice evening sir." and the duck walks out.

Ten minutes later, the same duck comes back into the pub and asks:
"-Hello sir, could I have some kiwis, please?
-Sorry sir, we don't have kiwis here, you're in a pub, you know?
-OK, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

Ten minutes later the duck walks into the bar again...:
"-Hello sir, could I have some kiwis, please?
-How should I say it to you? You're actually in a pub, not in a grocery store. I never sold kiwis and I don't intend to. You can by some kiwis at the supermarket down the street if you want.
-OK, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

Ten minuters later, guess who walks into the bar?...
"-Hello sir, could I have some kiwis, please?
-OK, that's enough, are there some cameras here? Is it for a TV show or something?... WE DON'T HAVE KIWIS HERE!
-OK, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

ten minutes later...
"-Hello sir, could I have some kiwis, please?
-NO! YOU CAN'T! I do NOT sell kiwis, and if I ever see you again in MY pub, I swear I'll nail you up that f****ng door!! now GET OUT!
-OK, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

and, as you can imagine, ten minutes later, the duck comes back:
"-Hello sir, Do you have nails?
-...uh!... no!
-OK, so could I have some kiwis, please?

[Mikefule]

Wat is het verschil tussen een matroos en een wc-papiertje?
De ene neemt afscheid en de andere neemt schijt af.

Sorry, that fell a bit flat.

[Sanne.Kj]

I'd say most of the ones who know how to use an online Dutch-English translator.
Well, isn't that kind of cheating?? :p

Best regards,
Sanne

[Hazmat]

4 JOKES.

One) Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

Two) So there were three rednecks walking down a country road. They find a dead opossum that was ran over.

The 1st redneck says, "that there looks tasty"!

The 2nd redneck says, "I don't much like opossum."

The 3rd redneck says, "I'm a waiting for something better.

So... the 1st redneck eats the opossum.

Then, down the road they find a dead rabbit.

The 1st redneck says he's full. The 2nd redneck says he likes rabbit and the 3rd redneck says he's still waiting for something better.

So... the 2nd redneck eats the rabbit.

Further down the road the first two rednecks who ate the opossum and the rabbit start barfing like crazy.

The 3rd redneck says, "Finally, a nice warm meal.

Three) A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

Four) One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down then give them back to her the next day.

So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase.

"Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom.

Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase.

"Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother.

Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase.

"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor.

Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase.

"My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker.

The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk

"Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher?

"Shut up!", shouted the student.

The teacher felling very hurt asked,
"Who do you think you are!?"

"Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student.

"What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher.

"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!"

Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

[Hazmat]

Q: Why does a room full of married people look so empty?

A: Because there is no single person in it.

[Phil_on_uni]

whats is the greatest thing in the world???

















oh.... clean jokes.....







never mind......

[MuniAddict]

whats is the greatest thing in the world???

oh.... clean jokes.....

never mind......
Oops! Sorry about that! (I should have read it more closely...I deleted it.):o

Let me try another:

Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.

[UniBrier]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since this morning. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new sexy nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[Diogenes]

It was the only Lone Ranger joke I ever heard...give me a break!
(that is pronounced like gimme a brrrrreak!)

The Lone Ranger comes round the corner on the trail to find Tonto lying with his ear to the ground.

"Kimosabe," says, Tonto, "Seven horses pass this way, three grey, one palomino, three chestnut, second grey has a shoe missing on right forefoot, ridden by a fat guy in a red shirt."

"Wow Tonto, how can you tell all that?"

"They rode over my head, help me up, Kimosabe."


The other Lone Ranger joke has the Lone Ranger sitting in the retirement home, reading a native American dictionary... "Kimosabe... native American term of abuse for... "

[MuniAddict]

This just came to me while riding the other day. Corny? yes. Punny? Definitely. :p
(You should get it right away, but I'll bet some won't get it at all haha!


Man #1: "There's a guy, who's first name starts with an "R", who is doing work for the city of Hollywood."

Man #2: "Who, Ray...for Hollywood?"

:):p:D

[Hazmat]

Signs That You've Had WAY Too Much Of The 90's

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. (via ThatsComedy.com of course :-)

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.

23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.

24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a
visitor.

26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.

32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.

33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.

35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE

36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

[MrBoogiejuice]

What do you call a Nazi in a ridiculous hat?






Your Holiness.

[inspirator]

The economy is really bad at the moment! It's even worse than a divorce. I've lost half of my money and my wife hasn't left!

[JJuggle]

The economy is really bad at the moment! It's even worse than a divorce. I've lost half of my money and my wife hasn't left!
Ba-dum (http://www.ilovewavs.com/Effects/Music/Sound%20Effect%20-%20Rimshot.wav)

[maestro8]

What do you do with four dead babies and a sheet of glass?

Make a coffee table!

[unireed]

how do you get a dead baby out of a blender?
with chips!

[dan de man]

in an effort to get them back on the cleaner/groan-ier side
whats orange and sounds like a parrot
a carrot

[unireed]

we should start an unclean joke thread. for the dead baby jokes

[dan de man]

been done

[spazdude222]

Contrary to poplar belief, Dead baby jokes are extremly offensive to people who've lost brothers or sisters while they were babies.

[Into the blue]

A man was cruising on his Harley up the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Of course I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how a woman feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[GILD]

Ba-dum (http://www.ilovewavs.com/Effects/Music/Sound%20Effect%20-%20Rimshot.wav)

www.instantrimshot.com

Same thing, just a kewler url.

[maestro8]

Contrary to poplar belief, Dead baby jokes are extremly offensive to people who've lost brothers or sisters while they were babies.

Even better are those who've suffered miscarriages or stillborn babies. You should see the looks on their faces when they hear the punchline!

[reprah]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[tobbogonist]

Even better are those who've suffered miscarriages or stillborn babies. You should see the looks on their faces when they hear the punchline!

whats funnier then a dead baby?
A sad mum.

[finnspin]

I've got a funny one, at least in my opinion:
Eminem meets Chuck Norris, Eminem says: "I'm not afraid" ,Chuck Norris replies "Love the way you lie".

[Naomi]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:








'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[Klaas Bil]

You're doing Mandela wrong. He doesn't seem to be the type of man who would lose his temper when an admiring fan asks for a signature.

[maestro8]

A man and his wife are sitting at the bar, enjoying some cocktails and a nice quiet conversation.

Just then, a drunk stumbles up to the bar, plops down next to the couple and lets out a loud, smelly fart.

The man, glaring at the drunk, exclaims "How dare you fart before my wife!"

The drunk replies, "I didn't know it was her turn!"

[yoopers]

Q: What's E.T. short for?


A: 'Cause he's got little legs.

[tobbogonist]

When suffering from rather sever nose bleeds it got so bad I had to visit the doctor.
The doctor said I had a hole in my nose, no problem though, he would sew it up.
Bleeding ceased, but my sense of smell was halved.
So you can imagine my surprise when I got a whole sausage for dinner.

[Revobuzz]

i think alot of you arte missing the point of the joke.

the joke is not making fun of arabs. Infact, I dont believe the joke was really meant to be in any way negative towardfs arabs.

The joke is that dubya is going to wage war against basicly the entire middle east, and that the USA will win, and that there will be no arabs left after we win.

IT is not about how bad arabs are at fighting, or about how they will destroy themselves, or how they are violent people.

Generally the joke is more negative towards the US by saying how we are always violent and thats our way of solving problems.

the point is that its a joke! im not even going to state my oppinions on it, because im not going to get people started on me.

I agree

[Revobuzz]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that They should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the eager Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Mark",Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ... "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Luke" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
Another knock ..."Who is it?"
"It's Judas" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"DRUG SQUAD MOTHER HUBBARDS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
__________________

Love it!

[BillyTheMountain]

What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

[Grizoo]

Give up!!!!!! :rolleyes:

[Grizoo]

Man making love to a 350 lbs women. He says " Can we have the light switched off ? " Why ? do you find me repulsive ?"

He said " No.....It's burning my Bum". :D

[Grizoo]

The Banking Crisis simply explained...

Young Tommy bought a donkey from a farmer for 100€.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day....
The next day he drove up and said "Sorry son' but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.
Tommy replied, ' Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Tommy said 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer said, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Tommy said 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Tommy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy and asked, 'What happened to that dead donkey?'
Tommy said 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two€ apiece and made a profit of 898€.'
The farmer said 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Tommy said 'Just the guy who won. so I gave him his 2€ back!!!!!!!

[Grizoo]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough......once she killed herself I started to feel alot better! So I thought......sod it..........I'll soldier on.

[Grizoo]

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got down stairs and found my wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!!
I panicked.. I didn't know what to do.......................Then I remebered the cafe down the road serves breakfast till 11.30..

[Grizoo]

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BE AGONY AUNTS.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They anounced that the affair had been going on for two years.
I had no idea......Please help me........I'm desperate!!!!!!

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Phil. :D

[Grizoo]

I'm in trouble with the wife again. We were in bed last night naked and she asked me what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparenly "IDENTIFY IT" wasn't the right answer. :rolleyes:

[skilewis74]

A guy who is fed up with his wife, and is constantly broke. He decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on her with himself as the beneficiary.

He then seeks out someone who can off his wife and finds a guy named Ardy who says he'll do it for $5,000. The husband opens his wallet to shows just a single dollar and says he won't have the rest until he gets the money from the insurance and shows Ardy the policy. Ardy agrees, but takes the dollar as a down payment.

Ardy follows the wife to the local Safeway grocery store, where he surprized her in the produce section and choked her. As she became limp the manager happened upon them. So he wouldn't leave any witnesses he had no choice but to kill the manager too.

Unbeknownst to Ardy the whole thing was caught on the store's hidden security camera and and a worker called the police. Ardy was arrested before he could leave the store. Under interogation he reveals the whole plan, giving up the husband.

The next day the newspaper's main headline reads: "Ardy chokes two for a dollar at Safeway".

[wobbling bear]

I am fond of surrealistic jokes.
this one really happened to me!!
I went to the supermarket and there I was in the elevator with a middle aged lady ...
then I took out my shopping list out of my pocket and began to read it ...
the lady : "Oooops! I forgot my own shopping list! ..... may I borrow yours?" :p
nearly falled down laughing .....

[stag]

A man consults his doctor about having a penis enlargement. The doctor tells him that current surgery is very expensive and painful. He states, however, that there is a new technique that involves the implant of elephant muscle. It’s in its trial stages but the treatment is free. The only risk is that the side effects are not well known. The man agrees and goes through with the surgery. A month later he has the confidence to ask out a girl at work. They go on a date to a restaurant and sit opposite each other. She is leaning over with her low-cut dress which turns him on. He then feels something moving around inside his trousers. He can’t control it and, all of a sudden, that something bursts out and reaches over the table and grabs a bread roll before disappearing under the table. He looks shocked and embarrassed but the girl is totally amazed and exclaims with a wink, “That was really cool! Can you do that again, maybe later?”
The man replies, “Sure, but I don’t think I can shove another bread roll up my backside.”

[Micah]

A proton gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the car and asks, "You know how fast your were going?" The proton says, "I'm sure I wasn't speeding, officer... I'm positive." :D

[BillyTheMountain]

What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

kids don't eat broccoli

[Grizoo]

I love Christmas lights, they remind me of politicanians!!!
They all hang together, half the suckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't very bright!!!!:D

[tobbogonist]

By night i footlight as a male man comedian, here is a couple of quick ones that never fail.

If you are warm and have goose bumps you are an actual goose.

I bought a fish eye lens and now I know how a fish looks.

I threw a boomerang in space and it came back forever.

I name my word documents after endangered species and save them.

[Grizoo]

I'm in trouble with the Wife again!!! She was looking at herself in the mirror and threw out the comment " I would like to loose 10 kg of usless ugly fat."
And I guess ask the doctor to arrange to have your head cut off was not a good response!!!!:D:D:D

[Ereksonj]

So if tomatoes are fruit, does that make catchup a smoothie? :rolleyes:

[Grizoo]

These are so old !!!!!:eek:

Two Nuns in the bath and one says to the other " wear's the soap" the other replies "yes it doe's doen't it!!!





Two Nuns cycling down a cobbled street and one says to the other "I've never come this way before".





Two elderly Nun's sitting on a park bench and a streeker runs past, one of them had a stroke, but the other one couldn't reach!! :D:D:D:D:D

[Grizoo]

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attrative women.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks: "Is your date running late?"
"No" he replys, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was testing it",

The intrigued women says: "State-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

The Aussie explains: "It uses alpha waves to talk to me tellepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says your not wearing any panties."

The women giggles and replies: "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties."

The Aussie smilles, taps his watch and says: "Bloody thing must be running a bit fast!!" :D :D :D :D

[Klaas Bil]

Two Nuns cycling down a cobbled street and one says to the other "I've never come this way before".On this forum, shouldn't that be unicycling down a cobbled street? :) Gives an additional twist to "never this way before".

[rob.northcott]

Perhaps the thread needs some spinoffs of "slightly risque jokes" and "rude jokes"...
Some people on here are very easily offended, and this is supposed to be clean jokes thread :o

[Grizoo]

First I must apologize to Rob.Northcott for this joke in advance, but it did put a big smile on my face today!!!




SEXUAL HARASSMENT


Everyday, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker
at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales deeply and says that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resourses and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievence against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks,
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"


She replys
" It's Frank from purchasing, you know the midget"


:D :D :D

[Byc]

So if tomatoes are fruit, does that make catchup a smoothie? :rolleyes:

That reminded me of this quote:
"Time flies like an arrow,
fruit flies like a banana."

Greetings

Byc

[rob.northcott]

First I must apologize to Rob.Northcott for this joke in advance, but it did put a big smile on my face today!!!
:D It's not me who's offended, but some people on here do seem to be, very easily, as I've found to my cost in the past :rolleyes:

[Hazmat]

:D It's not me who's offended, but some people on here do seem to be, very easily, as I've found to my cost in the past :rolleyes:
I will never understand some people these days. :confused:

[rob.northcott]

I will never understand some people these days. :confused:
On the other hand, the thread title is "clean jokes", even if most of us aren't bothered by slightly mucky ones.