Gallery of clean jokes

[foolish]

How much does a set of Pirate earrings cost?

$2

They're a buccaneer

[foolish]

Two pieces of grey tarmac were sitting in a pub. One nudges teh other and whispers "whats up with that guy?" "which guy" "they one in the corner, the red tarmac" "Ohhh! you dont want to mess with him. he's a cycle path!"

A guy walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."

[foolish]

Two elephants and a cymbol fall off a cliff.

B-DUM TSHHH

[sendhair]

A cowboy riding on the plains finds darkness approaching.
He spies a fire in the distance, tended by a man with a horse, a dog, and a sheep.
As he gets closer, the cowboy sees that the man is dressed in the finery of a city-slicker gambler, gold watch-chain on his brocade waistcoat, and all.

"Mind if I share your fire?" asks the cowpoke.

"Be my guest," says the city-slicker, "and have some supper."

"Thank ya kindly! That's mighty generous of ya!" replies the cowboy.

Now, this cowboy has taught himself the art of ventriloquism to while away the tedious hours on the range, and so, he thinks,
("In return for his hospitality, I'll entertain him!")

"Mind if I talk to your horse?" he asks the city-slicker.

"You want to talk to my horse?" snickers the gambler. "Be my guest."

"So," asks the cowboy, "what's it like being the horse of a stylish gent such as this feller here?"

"Why, it's grand!" the thrown voice responds. "He never puts me up wet, and he always feeds me before he eats his own supper!"

"May I ask your dog a question?"

The stunned gambler just sits there, chin on his chest. "Wha... ? Uh, yes..?"

"He is a kind master." responds the dog, "When we're in town, he lets me sleep in his hotel room, by the door, and he always saves his steak bone from supper for me."

The cowboy continues, "I'd like a word with your sheep, now."

The gambler is still staring at his dog, when suddenly, with a worried glance at his ewe, blurts out,

"Well, now, wait a minute... you know... uh... you can't believe anything a sheep tells you!"

[James_Potter]

Originally posted by foolish
Ok, this one makes no sense whatsoever, but somehow it always cracks me up.

Two biscuits bumped into each other in town one day. They were old friends, but had somehow lost contact with each other. On seeing his friend, one biscuit says "Hi there! I haven't seen you in ages! Whereabouts are you living now?" The other biscuit replies "I couldn't possibly tell you that, you'll steal my laundry!"

No, I don't get it either, but its so stupid it's funny!

I know three jokes like that:

Q: How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?
A: 49, because ice cream doesn't have any bones!
------
This guy walks into a bar, and he's wearing a hat. He says to the guy behind the bar, "What's the special today?" and the guy behind the bar says, "Frog soup!"
------
(this one is the best)
There were two elephants sitting in a bathtub- It must have been a pretty big bathtub, or pretty small elephants- anyway, they were sitting in a bathtub, and they were both African elephants. The African elephants are the ones with the tusks- no, wait, are those the Indian elephants?- I dunno, but these were the ones with the tusks. Just remember that they were elephants with tusks, that's important in the end of the joke. So two tusked elephants were sitting in a bathtub, and one turns to the other elephant and says, "Pass the soap." Then the other elephant says, "not the soap, the radio!"
------
I just love those kinds of jokes! That last one really cracks people up!

[GILD]

Originally posted by James_Potter
they were both African elephants. The African elephants are the ones with the tusks- no, wait, are those the Indian elephants

the difference between african and indian elephants?


about 6000 miles

seriously tho, the indian elephant is generally smaller than it's african counterpart and it's ears are way smaller
the easiest way to check
leading us straight to the question why do african elephants have big ears?


because noddy won't pay the ransom


seriously (again, just for a moment) they use their ears for temperature control and pump hundreds of litres of blood thru them to help them cool down
when they have to dart and transport elephants, u'll allways see one person flapping or wetting their ears (the elephants', wise guy!)
now u know why

[foolish]

Lol, your joker were great James, I love the ones where people just kind of look at you weird as u struggle to say the punchline coz youre laughing so much!

However, I don't know why but GILD's post made me laugh more than any other in this whole thread! It's the way you slip the jokes in at every possible moment. Thanks GILD :D

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by James_Potter
(this one is the best)
There were two elephants sitting in a bathtub- It must have been a pretty big bathtub, or pretty small elephants- anyway, they were sitting in a bathtub, and they were both African elephants. The African elephants are the ones with the tusks- no, wait, are those the Indian elephants?- I dunno, but these were the ones with the tusks. Just remember that they were elephants with tusks, that's important in the end of the joke. So two tusked elephants were sitting in a bathtub, and one turns to the other elephant and says, "Pass the soap." Then the other elephant says, "not the soap, the radio!"This joke has a simple and elegant history. In its classic form, it goes like this:

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub.
The first one says, "pass the soap."
The other replies, "no soap radio."

I do not know the origin in time or geography. I did once in the 9th grade crack up my entire algebra class, teacher included, by responding "no soap ratio" to a problem I couldn't answer when called upon. So, at least back in 1975 a classroom full of New York kids got the reference.

What's with this joke? It is a classic torture device used by friends against friends, and particularly elder siblings against their youngers (mine is six years my senior). The joke makes no sense whatsoever, but the teller laughs hysterically (as do any co-conspirators) leaving the listener the option of admitting to not getting it or laughing along as though they did. Most (kids) choose the latter.

I do love spoiling a bad joke. :D

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[foolish]

Huh?? No soap radio??

I probably look really foolish now (not for the first time;)) but.... wossat?

[foolish]

Anyone???

Ok, another joke..... damn, I've forgoten it.

[UniBrier]

Make sure you read the question before you scroll down to see the correct answer.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a "professional. "

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?







Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? " WRONG
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?








Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?








Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from
your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[sendhair]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"Do you have any food?"

The bartender replies, "No, we don't serve food here."


So, the duck leaves.




The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender,

"You got any food?"

The bartender says, "No, we don’t serve food here."


So, the duck leaves.




The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender,

"You got any food?"

The bartender says, "NO! Look! I told you twice before! We don't serve food here!. . . and if you come in here again asking for food, I'm going to nail you to the wall!"



So, the duck leaves.






The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender,

"You got any nails?

The bartender says, "Uhh... No."









The duck asks,

"You got any food?"

[Phil_Donaldson]

This guy is walking down the road and he sees a lady who has the most beautiful breasts he has ever seen. Filled with lust he asks her "can I bite your breasts for $10?" She ignores him and carries on walking. "For $100 can I bite your breasts?" She answers "listen I'm not that sort of person" "OK, $1000 to bite your breasts." She couldn't resist this offer, so they go into a back alley and she opens her top. She really did have beautiful breasts. The man starts stroking them, kissing them and licking them, but did not bite them. After a while she asked him "I thought you wanted to bite them?" "No" he replied "too expensive"

[foolish]

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

****

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body and says "So where's this woman with the sore tooth then?"

[James_Potter]

I think the reason that preschool children get that one right is because when professionals do it, they see it as a test, and the test must have interesting, creative answers, right? Like those lateral thinking puzzles, you know, like riddles. but preschool children don't understand that it's actually a test, but they just say what makes sense to them. In other words, we think too much.


Originally posted by UniBrier

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. [/B]

[sendhair]

Pay attention:

VIRUS WARNING!!!

It has been brought to my attention that there's an insidious new computer virus which has already affected close to 30 million computers.

Even though I'm running the latest McAfee and Norton viri scans, neither have picked up this virus as it's a mutating virus which isn't set to go off until Friday, July 4th, 2003.

Atypically, this one is transmitted by webforums. I'm required by law to contact everyone that has read any post I've made in the last six months and warn them about this virus.

TO REMOVE THIS VIRUS BEFORE IT BECOMES EFFECTIVE:

** Click your start button.
** Click on "Find".
** Click on Files / Folders.
** Change the "look in" input box to "My Computer".
** The named input file should have: AOL.EXE

Once the find engine has located the file, highlight it and press the delete button.

Deleting this file will fix a damaged 30 megabyte area of your hard drive and restore it to full functionality.

WARNING: KEEPING THIS FILE ON THE SYSTEM AFTER JULY 4th WILL COST YOU $2.90 MORE PER MONTH!

FAILURE TO REMOVE THIS FILE WILL KEEP YOUR "UPPER MEMORY MANAGEMENT" MODULE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (IQ OVER 85) BLOCKED. DELETING AOL.EXE WILL FREE YOUR IQ TO GO ABOVE 85!!!

DELETING THIS FILE WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPELL CORRECTLY AND USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROPERLY, as well as instill the ability to use the lower-case font features of your keyboard when necessary!

BADLY INFECTED SYSTEMS (I.E., SYSTEMS THAT HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ABILITY TO FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE) CAN HAVE THE VIRUS REMOVED BY TELEPHONE. CALL 1-888-265-8008 AND TELL THE OPERATOR TO CANCEL THE VIRUS. THE OPERATOR WILL DEACTIVATE THE VIRUS FROM THEIR END.

TECHNICAL NOTE: YOU **MUST** EXPLAIN TO THE OPERATOR YOU'RE ATTEMPTING TO DEACTIVATE THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. THE TECHNICAL SUPPORT OFFICE YOU'RE TALKING TO IS EXTREMELY PROFESSIONALLY EMBARRASSED BY UNLEASHING THIS VIRUS ON THE WORLD AND WILL DELAY DEACTIVATING IT. FOR LEGAL REASONS, THEY MAY EVEN *DENY* THE EXISTENCE OF THE AOL.EXE VIRUS. DON'T FALL FOR THEIR STORY!

[joemc]

Originally posted by GILD


i told this to a friend of mine who produces one of the major morning radio shows in johannesburg
he liked it and got me to tell it on air this morning


u should be able to hear it for the rest of today (monday 05-05)click on the (http://www.highveld.co.za/planet947/raw/raw.asp) morning quickie

I'm sooo proud, as this is the only decent joke I've ever made up. I've been randomly inflicting it on people for the last 10 years, and it's finally found a large audience. i don't suppose anyone saved the soundbite so I can hear it (I've not looked in for aquite a while as you can tell....)

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by joemc

i don't suppose anyone saved the soundbite so I can hear it (I've not looked in for aquite a while as you can tell....)
Well you wouldn't believe it but I have. The forum doesn't let me post a wma file so it is a zip. Enjoy!

Klaas Bil

[jason]

Because they're two tired!

Doh... that was a painful and terrible joke. ;)

[James_Potter]

Hee hee, I like that bike one.

[JJuggle]

George W Bush: The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/bush.htm).

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[sendhair]

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and *POOF* -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me".

So the fairy picked up her wand and *POOF* -- the husband was 90.

[sendhair]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office...

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife,

"Sooo, what did the doctor say?"




“He said you're going to die," she replied.

[JJuggle]

An 85 year old man who is slightly hard of hearing calls his son to tell him that he's met a woman his own age and they've fallen in love and want to get married. His son is a doctor and so the old man asks him to give her a check up to see how her health is. The son tells his father that he's very happy for him and to bring her in the next day and he'll have a look at her.

After the examination the son takes his father aside and tells him that she is a wonderful woman, funny and intelligent and he hopes they'll be very happy together.

He adds, however, "pop, we'll have to keep an eye on her because she has acute angina."

To which the father responds, "yeah, I know, and she's got a nice tuchas, too!"

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

PS Sorry, maybe it's not that clean.

[sendhair]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."


The second man shakes his head.

"That's so ironic," he says.


"What do you mean?" asks the first man.




"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[yoopers]

When I was a kid, I used to skinny dip. Now at this age, I just chunky dunk.

B

[sendhair]

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-storey building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off.
A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out,

''Hey, Mister! Can you see my ear down there?''

The guy on the street picks up an ear saying,

''Is this it?''

''No...'' was the reply from the blonde carpenter, ''mine had a pencil behind it.''

[yoopers]

Sven and Ole were walking through the woods when they came upon a deep hole in the ground. The pair decide to test the depth of the hole by tossing in a rock. So as the rock is tossed in, Sven and Ole lean forward to hear the sound of the rock hitting the bottom. Nothing. The two look at each other first with confusion, then with an idea. Nearby is a large bolder which they retrieve, roll toward and then into the hole. Once again they lean forward to listen. Nothing. This time the pair excitedly retrieve a fair-sized log, hoist it to their shoulders, run toward the hole and heave it in. Again they both lean forward to listen...but as they're listening, suddenly a goat runs quickly by their legs and jumps into the hole.

Sven and Ole trade glances wondering what in the world had just happened. As they wonder, they hear a sound behind them and turn to see a farmer wandering toward them.

Farmer: "Hey, I misplaced a goat here in the woods. Have you seen him anywhere?"

Sven: "You know, it's funny you ask. We were looking down this hole when a goat ran by and jumped in."

Farmer: "Oh, that couldn't have been my goat, I tied mine to a log."

[ITEMNO530]

uh, hehehuckheh.... uh... heh... uh snake.. and uh.. uh tuuuurtle, yeah! uh snake and a turtle were uh.. walking... no slithering.. no the snake was slithering... and the uh.. turtle was walking... or rather crawling... no wait, what's a turtle do? ah forget it this joke was funny though, so just laugh.

[paco]

What do you get when you cross a mountain biker and a MUni rider?






A humbled mountain biker.

[Phil_Donaldson]

An 80-year-old couple are having trouble remembering things,
so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an examination, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from
his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water."
She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream."
She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down.Vanilla ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my toast."

[andrew_carter]

"Nietzsche is dead" - God

[yoopers]

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

On a church postcard:
I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I would like a personal call.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's use the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."

[UniBrier]

At Last The Truth About Eating

For those who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[jagur]

how do you tell the differance between a Harley-Davidson rider and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?





















































































the positioning of the dirt bag...

[yoopers]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve and immediately find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to get into Heaven. When they meet St. Peter, they're told that they each have to present something associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a recent program from his daughter's Christmas play so in he gos.

The third man pulls out a pair of nylons.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "Just how do these represent Christmas?"

The man simply replies, "They're Carol's

[yoopers]

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who there?" asks St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

[jagur]

Originally posted by jagur,then yoopers comes out of nowhere with 2 jokes and mine gets left at the bottom of the last page where no one even sees it
___________________________________________


how do you tell the differance between a Harley-Davidson rider and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?





















































































the positioning of the dirt bag...

[ITEMNO530]

I don't get it.

(said in mellowed out voice)

[jagur]

Originally posted by ITEMNO530
I don't get it.

(said in mellowed out voice) Item# 531 gets it...

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by jagur
how do you tell the differance between a Harley-Davidson rider and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
Some jokes simply deserve a bottom of page position and this one is certainly worth it :-)

Klaas Bil

[yoopers]

Originally posted by jagur
Item# 531 gets it...

Just last weekend, there were 300,000 of 'dem 'dare Harleys in Milwaukee for the 100th birthday celebration of Harley-Davidson. Of all the potential, Milwaukee police reported that they were amazed at the outcome. Only 37 arrests.

I was driving throughout the northern Illinois area the day before and saw so many Harleys. It was quite a sight.

B

[ITEMNO530]

Originally posted by jagur
Item# 531 gets it...

They're making more of me?! And I thought 530 of me were enough! geez! Americans and there perfectionistic ways........:D

[yoopers]

What's Irish and sits in the backyard all summer?


















Patty O'Furniture

[Phil_Donaldson]

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

[jagur]

what animal hates doing laundry?


































































the "most Replies" thread is bogus
























































a leopard,because they have so many spots.

[GILD]

why do women wear make-up and perfume?









cause they're ugle and they stink.

[Mandell]

Nice bit of subliminal trashing there, Jagur.

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by Mandell
Nice bit of subliminal trashing there, Jagur.
But soooo right!

Klaas Bil

[joemc]

If we're going for 'women' jokes...

Why haven't NASA sent a woman to the moon?
























because it doesn't need cleaning.

[Mandell]

I'm a guy, but I have to say that this one crosses the line for a thread called gallery of clean jokes. Most of those posted here I could share with anyone in my workplace. If I shared this one, I might face a harrassment complaint!

[joemc]

whoa, no offence intended or implied.:eek: Perhaps PC travels as differently as humour? In our office (uk, and nicely sociable), such jokes are merely taken as an invitation for the ladies to counter with corresponding men jokes.
Please take it in the context it is intended, not that of promoting neandertal-esque stereotyping..

[Mandell]

OK, maybe I over reacted.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by joemc
If we're going for 'women' jokes...


As the man of the house, I ALWAYS have the last word in our home...."Yes, dear."

B

[yoopers]

Originally posted by joemc
If we're going for 'women' jokes...

...or, only a man would put a $2000 stereo in a $500 car.

B

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by yoopers
...or, only a man would put a $2000 stereo in a $500 car.This one is no joke. I know a waiter at our local Friendly's who has done essentially this; and he talks about that sound system the way the parents on this newsgroup talk about their kids.

A married friend tells this one, also not strictly speaking a joke since it's true:

"My wife is a cat person and I'm a dog person so we compromised and got two cats."

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[yoopers]

Originally posted by JJuggle
...he talks about that sound system the way the parents on this newsgroup talk about their kids.

My kids ARE a sound system. :)

Bruce

[Sofa]

Originally posted by yoopers


...or, only a man would put a $2000 stereo in a $500 car.

B

Man with loud stereo in car (his hobby or passion): " You'd have to be a real idiot to have $2000 worth of unicycles"

[joemc]

how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb...?
















only two, Its just getting them in there that's hard.

[Sofa]

i typed in "rudest joke ever" into google.

[jagur]

do homeless people get knock knock jokes?

[UniBrier]

NEW VIRUS ALERT

I thought some of you would want to know about this email virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
It is called the "C-Nile Virus!!!!" I think I have it. I think I have it.

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by joemc
how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb...?The version of this one I learned in college is:

Q - How many Drosophila melanogaster (http://www.ceolas.org/fly/intro.html) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A - Only two and there's plenty of room.

Biologists can really tell 'em.

[gerblefranklin]

Disclaimer: Please noone take this as offensive or stereotyping, I just think it's funny (with a grain or 2 of truth).


Q: How do tell if your a redneck?

A: You're in the KKK but you can't spell it.


I used to live in Atlanta, Georgia, which is where a friend told me that one.

Next joke:
What do you call a cow?
Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by gerblefranklin

Next joke:
What do you call a cow?
Beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef Sorry, can't resist and have cleaned up to the best of my ability.

Q: What do you call a herd of autoerotically inclined cattle?




























A: Beef Stroganoff.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[yoopers]

What do you call a cow after giving birth?





















Decaffeinated.

[harper]

Originally posted by JJuggle
Sorry, can't resist and have cleaned up to the best of my ability.



I've always thought that you clean up well, Raphael.

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by harper
I've always thought that you clean up well, Raphael. Yes, well, when I bother. Thanks for noticing, Greg.

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[UniBrier]

Don't know if this is true, but interesting never the less.



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in

waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the

frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses

and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid

deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by UniBrier
Don't know if this is true, but interesting never the less.



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in

waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the

frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses

and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid

deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Ah, ah, ah...

[Canadave]

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

[Klaas Bil]

A dog entered the pub and ordered a pint of beer. He paid with a ten pound note.
The barman thought a dog would be dumb and gave him only two pounds back.
Later, he said to the dog: we haven't got many dogs here.
The dog answered: if you charge eight pounds for a pint of beer, what do you expect?

Klaas Bil

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by Klaas Bil
A dog entered the pub and ordered a pint of beer. He paid with a ten pound note.
The barman thought a dog would be dumb and gave him only two pounds back.
Later, he said to the dog: we haven't got many dogs here.
The dog answered: if you charge eight pounds for a pint of beer, what do you expect?

Klaas Bil Hey Klaas, did this one just make it over to the Netherlands?

Ok, that was mean. Sorry. ;)

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by JJuggle
Hey Klaas, did this one just make it over to the Netherlands?

No it's just that I have such an incredibly good memory :-)

Klaas Bil

[spyder]

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"

[Klaas Bil]

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

[Sofa]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.

"Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your wife's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Well, normally yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year. So we can't repeat the test until next year."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

[McPoop]

After that predictably misogynist joke by typically misogynist Sofa, we now return you to our regular clean joke programming. (Gee! Howcome more chicks ain't inerested in unicycling?):rolleyes:

[Sofa]

Gee, I wish I could use big words, however, use them incorrectly like McPoop.

[Sofa]

And we'll note that I don't refer to women as 'chicks'

[yoopers]

An old-timer who was concerned about his increasing memory loss as he matured greatly decided to do something about it. He went to the Brain Store at the mall and described his condition to the clerk behind the counter.
"Yes," the clerk responded, "I believe I can offer something to help. We have lawyer's brains for $25 a pound."
The old-timer thought that may be a possibility, but not wanting have anything but the best asked, "What else do you have?"
The clerk mentioned another possibility, "Well, we have doctor's brains for $35 a pound."
Again, the old-timer considered this and asked, "That sounds good, but are there any other choices?"
The clerk began to stammer and stutter, "Yeh, a, we have, a we have, a a a we have engineers brains for $200 a pound."
"What," the old-timer responded, "You sell lawyer's brains for $25 a pound, doctor's brains for $35 a pound and you charge $200 a pound for engineers brains?"
The clerk looked him square in the eye, "Do you realize how many engineers it takes to get a pound of brains?"

[nosabe332]

as a mechanical engineer major at uc berkeley, i'm inclined to say: hey! i'm offended... but i'm not sure why..

as a college student, i'm inclined to reply with one for the well- experienced-in-living:

unfortunately i couldn't find any.


Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2001. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, crap, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up!"

[yoopers]

Originally posted by nosabe332
as a mechanical engineer major at uc berkeley, i'm inclined to say: hey! i'm offended...

As a mechanical engineer...me too!


as a college student...

It's been a year or two here.



Three mechanical engineers were out front trying to determine the height of the company flagpole. They were using various instruments and all their available knowledge but just couldn't quite come up with the answer. As the office secretary returns from lunch, she quickly assesses the situation, removes the flagpole from it's base, lays it out along the ground, grabs the tape measure and measures it out.

"Thirty-two feet," she says as she tosses the tape measure back to the astonished engineers and walks away.

After pondering the senario for a moment, one of the engineers responds, "Ya know, it's just like 'em. You ask for the height and they give you the length."

[pawn2f8]

Hiya everyone!

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!

[yoopers]

Originally posted by pawn2f8
Hiya everyone!

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!

Two guys walk into a bar, the second guy should've ducked.

[yoopers]

Okay, time for a redeeming engineering joke:


The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The physics graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much will it cost?"

The art graduate asks, "You want fries with that?"

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by yoopers
Okay, time for a redeeming engineering joke:
This is remarkable. The 'redeeming' aspect of it is probably only appreciated by engineers themselves. For other categories of humans, engineers will just demonstrate their nerdiness by asking how it works. Why bother?

Klaas Bil (engineer)

[ITEMNO530]

so does this include Sanitational Engineers? O_o

[Ben Plotkin-Swing]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

[yoopers]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.* Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that...(are you ready)... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[XWonka]

Originally posted by yoopers
Okay, time for a redeeming engineering joke:


The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The physics graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much will it cost?"

The art graduate asks, "You want fries with that?"

I originally heard this with "english" instead of "art"

Which kinda pisses me off because i'm majoring in english.

[XWonka]

Furrows is a very horrible hardware store that was in my home town, it has since closed down. I'm not sure if it's a chain, but... Back home we had a pretty funny joke about that place.

The only thing i bought at Furrows that didn't suck was a vacuum

[XWonka]

And just to sully the "clean Joke" title.....
(though i did clean it up a little)

Q: How do you know when a woman Climaxes?





























































Jag is a No-Fun doodie head




















































































































A: Who cares?

[GILD]

Originally posted by XWonka
A: Who cares?

I'm offended by that and i'm a guy...

:(

[Phil_Donaldson]

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[andrew_carter]

John Howard was praying, "Lord please,
Send me some more refugees
So I can revile 'em
For seeking assylum,
And win an election with ease."

[yoopers]

Johnny was in his bedroom when his father knocked at the door and entered. "Johnny, did you tip over the outhouse?" his father asked sternly.

Johnny thought briefly then replied, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. Yes I did." So the father turned Johnny over his knee and spanked him soundly.

A moment later, Johnny looked at his father through tear-stained eyes and said, "Father, when George Washington's father asked him if he had chopped down the cherry tree and George Washington told the truth, his father didn't spank him."

To which Johnny's father replied, "Son, when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his father wasn't in the tree at the time."

[Phil_Donaldson]

Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?"

When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew".

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by Phil_Donaldson
Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?"

When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew". Phil,

Remind me, aren't you a British expat living in Germany?

If I'm correct, how do you come by this joke?

It's quite good. :)

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[Phil_Donaldson]

Originally posted by JJuggle
Phil,

Remind me, aren't you a British expat living in Germany?

Yes.


how do you come by this joke?

Internet.

I also quite liked this one:

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered the door and said to her, "Yes, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
'Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. 'Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is £20 alright?" Julie asked.
'Yes, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house. His wife, who had been listening, said to him: '£20! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" 'Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. 'I'm all finished' she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah' Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" he man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie That's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."


Phil

[yoopers]

On the way home from soccer practice, Mary and Brad were discussing the need for our big white Dodge van to have a name. Many ideas were suggested but thrown out until, recalling Grandpa's favorite TV game show, Brad suggested the winner, "Van of White."

[UniBrier]

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After the nurse inserted the thermometer, she announced, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" he asked.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by Phil_Donaldson
Then there is the story of the Italian woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant,who goes into a six month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. "My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter's name?"

When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn't quite the idiot she feared."And what is my son's name?", she inquired. The nurse answered "Denephew". Ok Phil, please put up with me here for a bit. I promise not to really drag this out.

But I'm still curious. Are you familiar with the Bronx accent.? When you read or tell this joke, can you hear or reproduce the accent of the speakers?

To some degree this joke is funny based solely on the words themselves, but it is really enhanced by a familiarity with the way they would be spoken.

So what's the deal?

Thanks,
Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[Phil_Donaldson]

Originally posted by JJuggle
So what's the deal?

In total I have spent about 3 years of my working career in the US (L.A., Houston, Lafayette, N.Y, plus a short time in Montreal), so yes, I am familiar with the Italian-American Bronx accent. I wasn't a unicyclist at that time, hence not meeting anyone.

I have never been fantastic at reproducing dialects, but I used to be able to do a good cajun. I gave this up, because British people thought I was being racially prejudiced when I refered to cajuns as "coon-asses"*.

After living in a non-English speaking country for nearly 14 years(yes I know Germans can speak English, but German is more common), I cannot reproduce any dialects at all and seem to be forgetting more and more English words all the time.

Whilst this joke is about Italians from the Bronx, the use of "de" for "the" (also "dat" for "that) could come from Jamaican-English that is spoken in some communities in the UK.

Phil

*coon: a somewhat derogatory word used in the UK to describe someone of African origin.

[andrew_carter]

I couldn't believe none of the editors picked this up, but this is a direct quote for an advertisement for the Australian Defense Force Academy...

"As a kid I'd count how many times I'd flown in a jumbo jet...and now, with no more experience than that, I'm a fighter pilot."

:eek:

Andrew

[Klaas Bil]

During a press conference:

Q Mr.President, your policies on the Middle East seem, so far, to have produced pretty meager results as the violence between Israelis and Palestinians --
THE PRESIDENT: Major or meager?
Q Meager.
THE PRESIDENT: Oh, okay.
Q Meager.
THE PRESIDENT: Meager.

Allegedly from Calpundit (http://www.calpundit.com/) but I couldn't find it there.

Klaas Bil

P.S. But is this a clean joke? Is it a joke at all?

[James_Potter]

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bar tender yells "GET
OUT, NO MUSHROOMS!!" So the mushroom says: "Come on, I'm a fun guy!"

[uniextreme]

WHAT DID THE FARMER SAY WHEN HIS TRACTOR TIPPED OVER.................................................................... ........................................................................ .............................................................
AAAAA MAN MY TRACTOR TIPPED OVER

[spyder]

Q- How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?


A-WANNA BUY A CHICKEN???

[spyder]

Boy, does that ever lose something over the internet.

[James_Potter]

What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

[yoopers]

Came in over email today...you've probably all seen it by now:

They're not going to have any live nativity scenes in Washington D.C. this year. It's not for religious reasons at all, they just couldn't find three wise men and a virgin to fill the roles.

[jagur]

how did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Chistmas?
































He felt his presents :cool:

[James_Potter]

Jagur, I love that one. but when I heard it it was how did Obi Wan know. Not that it makes a difference....

What is brown and sticky??































A stick. Duh.

[TheObieOne3226]

yeah i felt his presents.

the stick one was already in here

[supertones]

Lol!!!! FUN GUY!!!!!!!! I get it! hahahahahhahahah, oops, my tractor tipped over and smashed the mushroom!

Ok, that wasn't a joke, but it was clean : )

Andrew

[James_Potter]

A boy went to his dad and said, "Daddy, is God Black or White?"
His dad said, "Both. God is both."
A while later the boy came back and said, "Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?"
His dad said, "Both. God is both."
A while later the boy came back and said, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?

[Klaas Bil]

Who has invented milking cows and what did he think he was doing?

Klaas Bil

[sendhair]

Originally posted by Klaas Bil
Who has invented milking cows and what did he think he was doing?

Klaas Bil

A way to get BSE without eating beef.

[yoopers]

From the latest Readers Digest...

A football player (or insert your favorite target here) was in the college library staring at the bookshelves and looking confused. The librarian noticed so she approached and asked, "Can I help you with anything?" The jock responded, "Yeah, I have to read a play by Shakespeare."
"Really," the librarian continued, "which one?"
"William," responded the young man.

[Klaas Bil]

A man want to buy two tins of dog food in the supermarket. At the checkout the lady asks whether he has a dog. Yes of course, he answers. "I'm sorry sir, but as of this week I need proof, so you'll have to bring the dog along." The man gets mad and leaves without dog food.
The next day he returns and tries to buy some cat food. "Do you have a cat?" "Yes of course!" "You know that I can't sell animal food withou...." But the man has run away already, not saying very nice words.
The next day he returns with a brown paper bag, goes straightaway to the checkout and asks the lady "Would you please put your hand in here?" She says: "Hey, it's soft and warm."
"That's right. Can I now buy a roll of toilet paper?"

Klaas Bil

(Not exactly a clean joke, maybe.)

[GILD]

a blond (choose your own minority/target, have fun with the joke)
stands on the side of a swollen, raging river
she spots another blond (as above) on the other side
"hey!" calls out our near-side blonde, "how do u get to the other side?"
"DUH!!" replies the far-side(sorry gary) far-bank blond, "u ARE on the other side!"

[GILD]

Originally posted by GILD
"DUH!!" replies the far-side(sorry gary) far-bank blond, "u ARE on the other side!"

ooops, just noticed memphis mud posted the same joke back on page 7
(been trawling thru the thread to see if i posted my other blond joke and came across an amazing amount of doubles)

[Sofa]

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you."
The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."

[Sofa]

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

[Sofa]

25 signs you've grown up:

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

[daino149]

More or less clean. Lets call it a PG-13

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband,
who was a big burly guy, tossed his pants to his bride
and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of
her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband,
"I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try
these on." He tried them on and found he could only
get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants !!!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going
to be until your attitude changes!"

[joona]

Found this from newsgroups. I wonder if that webmaster on that page is GILD? :)

SOUTH AFRICAN TOURISM QUESTIONS

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the webmaster (who seems to be somewhat irritated at the worlds perception that South Africa is still Tarzan's country).

Q1: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q2: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q3: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres (1,243 miles) take lots of water...

Q4: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q5: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in Johannesburg, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q6: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Australia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.

Q7: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q8: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q9: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races.

Q10: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans tourists gather.

Q11: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q12: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes are found in America. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets (and if you believe that you'll believe anything - Smiley).

[toddw9]

relatively clean... dirty in a different sense... familiar to those who remember Eddie Murphy's 'Delirious' show.

A rabbit and a bear are taking a crap in the woods. The bear leans over to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no, so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

[Logan_A.]

h

[UniBrier]

BULLETIN WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas (*) quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."






* Insert your favorite state when repeating joke.

[yoopers]

Ever seen geese flying in a V-formation?
Ever notice that one leg of the V always seems to be longer than the other?
Ever wonder why that is?


There's more geese in that leg.

[yoopers]

Ever seen flamingos sleeping with one leg tucked up?
Ever wonder why they do that?


Because if they tucked up both legs, they'd fall.

[daino149]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were
three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside
this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then
the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and
go home".

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him
to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[yoopers]

A little boy went to Grandpa and requested, "Grandpa, can you make the sound of a frog?"

The surprised Grandpa replied, "Well, I suppose I can. Why do you ask?"

"Because," the little boy explained, "Grandma says that when you croak, we're going to Disney World."

[Phil_Donaldson]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[UniBrier]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[GILD]

**********
The Top 20 Books Written for Children of Liberals

20> Willy Wonka and the American-Job-Stealing, Child-Exploiting Overseas
Chocolate Factory

19> Father-in-a-Nontraditional-Role Goose

18> Green Eggs, Ham and Guv'mint Cheese

17> How the Grinch Stole Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice or Your
Preferred Non-Denominational, Politically Correct December Holiday

16> If Bullshit Could Fly

15> PETA and the Wolf

14> The Leonine American, the Alternative-Religion Practitioner and the
Animal-Products-Free Wardrobe

13> Delirious George and the Stolen Election

12> The Fascist Republicans Stole My Cheese and Gave It to the Top 1% of
the Wealthy

11> Where the Wild Things Are: A Night at the Kennedy Compound

10> The Little Boy Who Cried "Imminent Threat"

9> Mister Kucinich Eats All His Spinach!

8> The Berenstain Bears Go to California for Uncle Bear's Wedding to
Life-Partner Buford Bear

7> Nancy Drew and the Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction

6> Al Gore's Pop-Up Book of Chads

5> You're a Neo-Nazi Skinhead, Charlie Brown!

4> One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Mercury-Poisoned Fish Caught in an
Illegal Tuna Net by an Evil Global Corporation

3> Babar Becomes a Piano!

2> George and the Giant Deficit

... and Topfive.com's Number 1 Book Written for Children of Liberals ...

1> Heather Has Two Daddies, Three Mommies, Four Aunts Who Used to Be
Uncles, a Leather-Clad Grandma and Several Cousins of Indeterminate
Gender and/or Sexual Orientation

[UniBrier]

In a similar vein, I just received this one:

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan, 'the little hero interjected. "Sorry,"replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."
"What team or person do you like? "

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet

[dubmuni2004]

ok....

three turtles are going to have a picnic, they lay out their blanket and pull out their basket. but they forgot the drinks. so the turtles decided to send one turtle to go get the drinks. the turtle who was sent to get the drinks said, "dont eat the sandwhiches while Im gone." so the turtles promised they wouldent even take a bite of the sandwhiches. so the turtle hobbles away.....hours start turning into days and into weeks then into months, so the turtles are very very hungry, but they promised not to eat the sandwhiches till the other turtle got back. but they were so hungry that they had to take a bite, so they did and the minute they did that the other turtle jumped out of the bushes and said "see? thats why I didnt want to go!"

[samuel]

Originally posted by andrew_carter
I couldn't believe none of the editors picked this up, but this is a direct quote for an advertisement for the Australian Defense Force Academy...

"As a kid I'd count how many times I'd flown in a jumbo jet...and now, with no more experience than that, I'm a fighter pilot."



That ad has always scared me.


The other one, which the editors DID pick up, featured a guy on the ground with a shoulder to air missile on his arm, shooting a fighter plane out of the sky. The line?

"Well, its lots of fun. All about hand eye co-ordination, really."

Lots of fun killing people. great for your tennis skills as well.

Gotta love the australian millitary to trivialise their own industry.

[spickydoo]

What can a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs.........















shake

[Sofa]

Originally posted by samuel


Gotta love the australian millitary to trivialise their own industry.

At least you can call THEIR military an industry :(

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by spickydoo
What can a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs.........You didn't ask whether I'm a TURTLE (http://www.dorsai.org/~walts/turtle.html)! YBYSAIA

[spickydoo]

WOW they are far reaching. I'm a TURTLE too.

[forget_your_life]

john Kary walks into a bar,the bar tender says.......why the long face?

[XWonka]

Originally posted by forget_your_life
john Kary walks into a bar,the bar tender says.......why the long face?

OH MY GOD! That joke rules! forst joke in this whole thread that actually made me laught out loud to my computer. Good job.

I'm still voting for him.

[JJuggle]

President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White
House, carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard
snaps to attention, salutes, and says:"Sir, those are very
nice pigs, sir." The President salutes back and replies:
"These are not just pigs, soldier, these are authentic Texas
Razor-back Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I
got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld." The Marine again snaps
to attention, salutes and says: "Yes, Sir! Very good trade, sir!"


Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[john_childs]

That story can't be true. It's impossible to salute while you've got a baby pig under each arm.

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by JJuggle
President Bush ... Must be a Presidential Thing (http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/7391.html).:p

I've heard this one (http://www.qis.net/~jwmiii/pol04.htm) over several administrations.

[JJuggle]

A bit of Jewish humor.

--------------
Mr Abramowitz is struck by a car while crossing the street. Badly bruised perhaps with a broken bone, but not critical, he waits for the paramedics. Once there they strap on a neck brace and put him on the gurney.

One paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?"

"I make a good living", he replies.

-----------------
The phone rings.
Man: Hello, you've reached the law offices of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz, and Schwartz. How may I direct your call?
Caller: I'd like to speak to Mr Schwartz.
Man: I'm sorry, he's on vacation this week.
Caller: Then give me Mr Schwartz.
Man: He's at lunch at the moment.
Caller: The what about Mr Schwartz?
Man: He's in a meeting.
Caller: OK, just get me Schwartz.
Man: Speaking.

------------------------

Ba dum bump!

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[jagur]

did you hear that the Los Angeles Police Department just cut a deal with the Energizer battery company?

































yeah, they said Energizer was the #1 choice so they could keep beating and beating and beating.

[munimanpete]

Here's one:

Q. Whay did the plane crash?






A. The pilot was a tomatoe.

[Robbie]

This is sorta clean... you just have to use your mind to make it sick? Not sure if it's already been said.

What does Michael Jackson like abour twenty eight year olds?
































There's 20 of them

[UniBrier]

Senator Hillary Clinton (*) was attending a party, when she noticed
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (*).

She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said; "If you were
my husband I would poison your drink."

Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her
ear, "And if you were my wife I would drink it!"

*Insert your preferred opposing personalities as you see fit...

[James_Potter]

Two peanuts were walking down a dark, lonely alley.
One of them was a salted.

[forrestunifreak]

Whats Black and white and Swings from a Hook?


Mime in a meat house.


Whats Black and white and blue and swings from a hook?


Same mime two weeks later.


This little boy is in heaven(I dont know why).Hes talking with god and ask's What happens when people lie.God shows him somthing that looks like a clock and spins very slowly.He says its his dads and every time he lies it spins once.Okay,the little boy thinks,my dad dosnt lie very much."Were's John Kerry's Clock?"He asks."Oh".Says God."We use his as a ceiling fan.






Is Michal Jackson a clown?lets see.

Wears Makup.........................Check

Fake nose...............................Check

Likes little kids.........................Check

cant tell if its black or white.....Check

[forrestunifreak]

There once was a kid named Michal
who wanted to try a unicycle
He started to fall
and smashed his ball s
and went back to his old Bi-cycle

[digigal1]

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

[gasmaster]

Originally posted by Checkernuts
D**n I say F**k like 1 ok like 50 time in these forums and you jump all over my a** for it being inapropriate for children, but it seems many of you find it ok to tell Jokes about Killing off a whole ethnic culture and Millions of people because they are arab. Yeah thats cool, NOT

I'm with Rick, That joke was racist thats the bottem line Fuck racism and lets just get along

A: if u need to swear, EDIT it, so if yer sayin somethin real stupid, peepl can be offended by what u sed, not the words u sed it in

B: im gonna give you all a reel good pointer rite now, so take notes. A good way of telling if something is funny or not is to change yer point of veiw, ie, i switched arabs with whites, and the joke still came out pretty funny.

C: y duz evry1 get so offended evry time sum1 sez something? u guyz know that about a quarter "1/4, for all u metric folk" of forums are wasted cuz sum1 got offended? Take a lessen in lethargy, like i did. ITS POINTLESS TO ARGUE, so now evry time i see somethin offending, i just say "screw it" and read a different thread. IT'S BETTER FOR ME TO IGNORE SOMETHING, THAN TO CHANGE DOZENS OF PEOPLE JUST 4 MY OPINIONS.

grow up, peepl

[forrestunifreak]

Yar,an' leern hoda spel 2.iff u kant, ohh wel.Weal tri 2 macke itt oute.
;)

[UniBrier]

Hey, this thread is still number 4 in replies and views!

Long live Gallery of Clean Jokes.

Here's one I heard in my Jr. Hi. days. I grew up a city boy, my dad grew up in the country. I told it to him at dinner about 30 years ago, he laughed so hard he spit his food across the table...


A city boy is taking an afternoon country drive when he sees a farmer helping one of his cows give birth. The problem was it was a breech birth and the calf was coming out back-legs first.
He could see the farmer was pulling really hard on the calf, and the cow was straining equally hard pulling in the opposite direction. The city boy screeched to a halt, jumped over the fence and asked if he could help. The farmer had the city boy do the pulling while the farmer worked the calf out.
After the calf was delivered the farmer said, “Thank you! If you hadn’t helped I probably would have lost the cow and calf. I must do something to repay for your generosity.”
The city boy replied, “That’s alright, I’m glad I could help.”
The farmer insisted after which the city boy said, “How about you just answer one question?”
The farmer said, "OK"
To which the city boy replied, "Just how fast was that calf going when it hit that cow?"


And one more just because I married a farmer's daughter:

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.
"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.
"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.
"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

[GILD]

Originally posted by gasmaster
Take a lessen in lethargy, like i did.no offence (:p ) to all the lovely jokes in this thread, that may just be one of the funniest things in here :D :rolleyes: :cool:

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by GILD
Originally posted by gasmaster
Take a lessen in lethargy, like i didno offence (:p ) to all the lovely jokes in this thread, that may just be one of the funniest things in here :D :rolleyes: :cool: And I ask, what's the point of having dander if you can't get it up?

Raphael Lasar
Matawan, NJ

[GILD]

nope, not touching this one

:p

[TheObieOne3226]

Haha GILD can't get it up.

[GILD]

nope, not getting sucked in either

:eek:

[TheObieOne3226]

Originally posted by TheObieOne3226
Haha GILD can't get it up.


Clean jokes.....sorry everyone.

[GILD]

Originally posted by TheObieOne3226
Clean jokes .....sorry everyone.

[TheObieOne3226]

Good one.


Heres another pretty funny joke:




GILD













:D

[GILD]

Originally posted by TheObieOne3226
Good one.


Heres another pretty funny joke:




GILD













:D mmm (http://www.unicyclist.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=22257&highlight=GILD)

[john_childs]

Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

[TheObieOne3226]

Originally posted by john_childs
Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.


Moral: Old people are dumb.

[Catboy]

Originally posted by TheObieOne3226



Moral: Old people are dumb.

I think it is that old people fear for their nuts...:p

[s7ev0]

Two snowmen standing in the front garden.

One sniffs and says, "Can you smell carrots?"

[Goatman!]

heres some one-liner jokes for u guys.

a canibal passes his brother in the woods.
a baby seal walks into a club.
a gay bear lays his pa on the table.

daaa daaaa chhhhhh!!!

[GILD]

ok, i guess one in three isn't a bad average

[UniBrier]

Whoever wrote this is so insensitive:


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down:

The Guys' Rules

We always hear “the rules” from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered ”1”ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”; we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping out.

[AllThingsUni]

no comment

[TheObieOne3226]

Haha, nice! My favorite was number 1!

[onewheelwizzard]

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

It is so, so, so true.

Too many women totally fail to realize this.

[UniBrier]

I don't write 'em, just repeat em.


Old--but still cute . . .

It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[yoopers]

Did you know that Moses was a John Kerry supporter? He said the last time he listened to a bush, he wandered aimlessly in the desert for 40 years.

[forrestunifreak]

Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield?



























Its Butt!

[UniBrier]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. (OMG, is that true or what?)

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:



At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good
looking

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.



Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.

[UNIquelyCanadian]

Ways to annoy people:

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
Then eat raw potatoes.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways.

Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds.

Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.

Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.

Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.'

Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in peoples brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"

Face the back when standing in an elevator.

Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".

Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

Leave a copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names:
"That's a good point, Sparky."
"No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.

Never break eye contact.

Never make eye contact.

On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?"

Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now."

Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.

Practice the art of limp handshakes

Pretend you are invisible.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Put everyone on speakerphone.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Set alarms for random times.

Smell smoke often and announce it.

Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.

Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.

Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going.

tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely."

Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're
weird!" Leave the restaurant.

walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try.

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".

Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."

Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"

While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.

While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet

[UniBrier]

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog

[GILD]

ok, that might be taking the thread title a bit too literally...


:p

[UniBrier]

I've told a version of this one more times than I care to admit...

Version 1. Similar to how I leaned it.

There was a Rabbi who was shipwrecked on an island. He knew that there was no way he could get off so he decided to make the best of it.

One day in his exploration of the island he came across an interesting tribe of people. They devised some kind of communication and he found out they called themselves Trids. He asked if he could join the tribe. The Trids said yes. So the Rabbi did everything that the Trids did.

One day about a month after the Rabbi joined the Trids, there was a loud trumpet sounding. The Trids all lined up and started walking up the hill. The Rabbi joined them thinking it was some religious ceremony. The Trids stopped on top of a cliff by the sea. They were in a straight line. The Rabbi followed. Then a giant came out of the woods and began to kick each Trid off the cliff. The giant passed the Rabbi and continued to kicked the Trids off the cliff. When the Giant was finished, the Rabbi went to the Giant and asked why he didn't get kicked off. The Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"



Version 2.

Once upon a time there was a race of small, furry creatures called Trids who lived upon a mountainside, far from human beings. Their life was idyllic. There was no war, no violence, and plenty of food. There was only one problem, but it was a big one!
Every once in a while, with no warning at all, a huge, ugly troll who lived at the top of the mountain would suddenly come tearing down in a cloud of dust, and run through their little village kicking Trids right and left and laughing hysterically. He treated them like little footballs, and although not many were really hurt by the troll, they were always a little nervous when the troll wasn't coming, and scared nearly to death when he did come.
Finally the Trids had a town meeting and decided to try to enlist the help of human beings in dealing with the troll. So two representatives were sent off in search of a human being.
They walked for several days, without seeing anyone. Then they spotted a single man walking down the road. It was a Jewish Rabbi, and they stopped him and told him of their plight.

The Rabbi said "Well, I don't really know if I can help, but I'll come with you and try to talk some sense into the troll"
The Trids were ecstatic. They all went together, back to the mountain. The Rabbi lived with the Trids for several days, but there was absolutely no sign of the troll. Finally the Rabbi told the Trids that he had to tend to business and was going to have to leave the next day.

Then, suddenly a cloud of dust appeared at the top of the mountain. The Trids went crazy, running all around, looking for hiding places. The Rabbi was paralyzed with fear, rooted to the spot. The troll was coming closer and closer and he was HUGE and UGLY! The Rabbi's knees turned to water. The troll was coming right at him. Finally the Rabbi could do nothing else but close his eyes and pray!

But nothing happened. Finally he opened his eyes and the troll stood before him, huge, frightening, but looking at the Rabbi curiously "Whats the matter with you?", said the troll.

"I thought you were going to kick me", said the Rabbi.

The troll then said "Silly Rabbi... kicks are for Trids"

[Klaas Bil]

Originally posted by UniBrier
Version 1.
Version 2.

Ah, jokes with versions.

Version 1.

After spending an evening in the pub, two friends leave together. One is in a wheelchair, pushed by the other who has a hump on his back. As usual, their ways part when the humpback makes a shortcut to his home via the grave-yard. But the clock strikes midnight and it is full moon. Suddenly one of the graves opens (crcrcreeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh) and a ghost comes out of it. "What do you have on your back?" the ghost asks. The man, paralysed with fear, replies "a hump". "Give me the hump" says the ghost, takes the hump and disappears in the grave.
The next day the friends meet again in the pub. The now hump-less man is admired by all when he tells in full colours how he lost his hump. The man in the wheelchair gets an idea, and leaves just before midnight to wheel across the graveyard. Up a grave, down a grave, all by his own, you get the idea. Midnight strikes again, the moon is still full, and sure enough the grave opens again (crcrcreeeeeaaahhhh) and the ghost asks "What do you have on your back?" Uh-oh, wrong question, the man thinks. "What do you have on your back?" the ghost repeats, more pressingly now. "Uhhh, nothing", the man in the wheelchair responds. "Here, you have a hump" says the ghost, sticks it to the wheelchairer's back, and quickly (creeaahh) disappears in his tomb.

Version 2.

After spending an evening in the pub, two friends leave together. One is in a wheelchair, pushed by the other who has a hump on his back. As usual, their ways part when the humpback makes a shortcut to his home via the grave-yard. But the clock strikes midnight and it is full moon. Suddenly one of the graves opens (crcrcreeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh) and a ghost comes out of it. "What do you have on your back?" the ghost asks. The man, paralysed with fear, replies "a hump". "Give me the hump" says the ghost, takes the hump and disappears in the grave.
The next day the friends meet again in the pub. The now hump-less man is admired by all when he tells in full colours how he lost his hump. The man in the wheelchair gets an idea, and leaves just before midnight to wheel across the graveyard. Up a grave, down a grave, all by his own, you get the idea. Midnight strikes again, the moon is still full, and sure enough the grave opens again (crcrcreeeeeaaahhhh) and the ghost asks "What are you sitting on?" Delighted that his little plan works, the man replies "A wheelchair." "Give me that wheelchair" says the ghost, takes it, and quickly (creeaahh) disappears in his tomb. Leaving the hapless man alone, as disabled as ever, in a graveyard, at midnight.

Klaas Bil

[andrew_carter]

Care of about.com's motorcycle section:

A Southern biker was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The biker took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

[jagur]

why did Ron Artest leave the game early?













































he wanted to beat the crowd.....

[john_childs]

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

[john_childs]

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A K-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir...Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes".

She's skeptical, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a thundering fart. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says,"That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[Unitik908]

Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin me." "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day..



POW

[DK]

whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib??






























Micheal jackson's arse

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by john_childs
"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50. Thanks, now I have to clean my monitor and keyboard.

The one's going to be all over the Oregon Coast by New Years.

[john_childs]

Originally posted by UniBrier
Thanks, now I have to clean my monitor and keyboard.

The one's going to be all over the Oregon Coast by New Years.

Yes, that one was a tooter. :D

Share it with the kids.

[toddw9]

Originally posted by UNIquelyCanadian
Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.


I had a chem prof that did that.

[john_childs]

The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

[yoopers]

Originally posted by john_childs
The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project....

We used to call those Shaggy Dog jokes when I was a kid. I have no idea where that term came from. My Shaggy Dog joke was called, "The Bloop Maker." In the interest of self-preservation, I won't regale you with it here.

Bruce

[john_childs]

Originally posted by yoopers
We used to call those Shaggy Dog jokes when I was a kid. I have no idea where that term came from. My Shaggy Dog joke was called, "The Bloop Maker." In the interest of self-preservation, I won't regale you with it here.

Bruce
Yes, I've heard them called Shaggy Dog Stories too. No one seems to know why. There are some long and convoluted stories about how the shaggy dog stories got their name, but they always finish in a way that makes them unbelievable.

[Catboy]

Knock Knock...




(who's there)



Interupting cow



(interrupting co... MOO!!!!


Much better in person.

[john_childs]

Man Arrested in Roofing Accident

A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.

As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.

Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.

A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.

The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.

"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"

"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."

[UniBrier]

When I first heard this one it wasn't a clean joke.

Clean version:

So there's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Quit it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[forrestunifreak]

There was a blonde(or any other vague p.c. people group you want)who won an olympic gold medal.She was so excited she had it bronzed.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by john_childs
Man Arrested in Roofing Accident

A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-roof his house. ...

John,

Very interesting. I just started a new career last month as a building inspector for the City of Rochelle.

Thanks for posting.

Bruce

[john_childs]

Originally posted by yoopers
John,

Very interesting. I just started a new career last month as a building inspector for the City of Rochelle.

Thanks for posting.

Bruce

You're welcome. But I was expecting to get punished for the bad puns rather than thanked. :)

[yoopers]

We were watching a sports bloopers show the other night and the funniest segment was about a horse race. The horse in the lead and who eventually won the race was named Hoof Hearted. Pity the poor guy who had to call the race.

[harper]

Originally posted by yoopers
We were watching a sports bloopers show the other night and the funniest segment was about a horse race. The horse in the lead and who eventually won the race was named Hoof Hearted. Pity the poor guy who had to call the race.

Gee, Bruce, I don't get it. Spell it out for me. Draw a picture.

That was a gas.

[Checkernuts]

Originally posted by harper
Gee, Bruce, I don't get it. Spell it out for me. Draw a picture.

That was a gas.

because I was bored...

[john_childs]

Originally posted by yoopers
We were watching a sports bloopers show the other night and the funniest segment was about a horse race. The horse in the lead and who eventually won the race was named Hoof Hearted. Pity the poor guy who had to call the race.
Lucky that there also wasn't a horse in the race named Ice Melted. :p

I had thought that the stories of a race horse name Hoof Hearted were all just a joke. That it never really happened. It now is actually true. That is sooooo funny knowing that it is actually true. :D

[john_childs]

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

[daino149]

Stollen from another site:

*One grandma was driving at 15 MPH in a ferrari, one cop pulled her over* Grandma: "what did i do officer? I wasn't speeding"

*One grandma was driving at 15 MPH in a ferrari, one cop pulled her over*
Grandma: "what did i do officer? I wasn't speeding"

Cop: "Good afternoon mam, I'd like you to know that driving too slowly is dangerous too"

*Grandma points at a sign*, "doesn't it say 15mph speed limit there?"

Cop, "it says Highway 15, mam"

Grandma: "oh sorry i didn't know"

so the cop noticed there are three other grandmas inside the car that looks so white and scared, and asked:

"are they ok? why they look so white"

Grandma: "nothing, I just exited from Freeway 180"

[yoopers]

As seen on the side of a Texas highway:

"Drive carefully! We have two cemeteries. No hospital."



Billboard in Valdosta:

"Tattoo Charlies. Done while you wait!"

[LegoBoy]

HEADLINE NEWS:
Bathroom appliances stolen, police have nothing to go on!

HEADLINE NEWS:
Mirrors stolen, police have nothing to look into!

HEADLINE NEWS:
A guy ran into a bar and said "OUCH!"

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by LegoBoy
HEADLINE NEWS:
Bathroom appliances stolen, police have nothing to go on!

HEADLINE NEWS:
Mirrors stolen, police have nothing to look into!

HEADLINE NEWS:
A guy ran into a bar and said "OUCH!" Fortunately for you this thread wasn't titled, "Gallery of funny clean jokes". ;)

[yoopers]

In light of all the bickering around the forums these days, I just happened to be reading the first several posts of this thread. I guess we just can't get away from it. There sure was a good fight going on here right off the bat. Whatever happened to Sendhair. I miss him. Come back, Rick!

Looking back on it now, it's amusing, not the content of the jokes, but that the bickering happened. Way of the world from day one, I suppose.

Bruce

[UniBrier]

Hope this isn't a repeat. There's a couple good ones in here, and a bunch of lame ones.

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they're going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9! . If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on...
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


I liked 9, 10, & 12

[One on one]

Timmy gets lesson in tough love.

[GILD]

A guy is driving across country trying to get home for Christmas. As he passes through Mississippi he sees a Nativity Pageant and notices the three wise men are dressed as firemen. He stops and asks, "Hey--why are you guys dressed up like that?" to which the biggest bubba replies, "You yankees sure are dumb. It says right here in the song that three strangers came from afar."

[Klaas Bil]

A guy finds a watch on the street and sees that it has the name of the local priest engraved on it. A week later he goes to confession and says "Father I found a watch on the street and I wanted to keep it but that doesn't feel right. Do you want to have it?"
The priest says "no you gotta give it back to the rightful owner". The man replies "But he doesn't wanna have it." The priest says "Then it's allright. You can keep it."

Klaas Bil

[yoopers]

I was standing in the park wondering why a frisbee grew bigger as it drew closer to me. Then it hit me.

[rob.northcott]

That reminds me of this one:

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

[Klaas Bil]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

That, BTW, is officially the World's funniest joke. Go to CNN (http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html) if you don't believe it. And while you're at it, don't forget to click the link "full story" at that page. This must have been a real fun research subject!

Klaas Bil

P.S. I hope this wasn't posted before in this thread. I'm losing track.

[yoopers]

Originally posted by Klaas Bil
P.S. I hope this wasn't posted before in this thread. I'm losing track.

I haven't gone back to look, but I believe Raphael posted it once before. It's okay though, it's been a long thread and reminders are good, especially for the world's funniest joke, next to the one in Monty Python, that is.

B

[JJuggle]

Originally posted by yoopers
I haven't gone back to look, but I believe Raphael posted it once before. Astounding memory, Bruce. Yes, back on page 3. :)

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by rob.northcott
That reminds me of this one:

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. The Frisbeetarianism I learned is a bit more involved: :)

A Frisbian believes that life is a cosmic ultimate Frisbee game where the teams are the forces of good and evil and Frisbees represent the souls. All Frisbees are always in play. A Frisbian does not believe in heaven or hell, they just believe when you die your soul goes up on the roof and you can’t get it down.



While we're on religion, my sister just sent me these:


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

”Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

========

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it's morning.”

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.”

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven...”

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I'm so sorry about the delay.. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.”

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here's a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folks.

[Fly04066814]

http://extlab1.entnem.ufl.edu/IH8PCs/other/budandlou.htm

The Joy of Buying a Computer


For those of you who remember the classic Abbott and Costello "Who's on First" comedy skit....
Now, Lou Costello is buying a computer!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou!

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial book keeping. You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

[john_childs]

A nice ladys car broke down on the Interstate one day. She eased it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully stepped out of the car and opened the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats who got in position at the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and began opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurred. It wasn't very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, ran toward the lady with the disabled vehicle and yelled, "What is going on here?!"

"My car broke down," the lady calmly replied.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asked the cop.

And she said...

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

[One on one]

Taste like chicken.

[UNIquelyCanadian]

ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.


Now for those on this forum without spell checker, you have no excuse!:D

[john_childs]

This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Wow ! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything ... meat, fish, toast, vegetables ... you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."

"Why chrome?" the man asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

It's not my fault!

[UniBrier]

TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under:

Warnings-Alimony/Child >Support." I recommend that you keep
Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to >alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean/ Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, .....Tech Support

[UniBrier]

The Fishing Poll thread reminded me of a couple of my favorites:


No one on the lake was catching any fish lately except one man. The game warden asked him how he did it. The man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion, fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal and went into a non-stop scolding of his fishing method. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to talk or fish?".



A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[theamazingmolio]

Letter to Technical Support Department

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, Cruiseship 2.3 and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0 but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help please?

Desperate of Dunstable.


Dear Desperate of Dunstable,

This is a very common problem for women to complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an operating system and was designed to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation, to play some of their "old time" favourite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered under Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".

You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\ ITHOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse still, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the features that Boyfriend 5.0 ran.

Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!

Do not, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only 9.4 ans 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

[Jethro]

MIKE IS DEAD

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your
hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly
and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he
crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air
and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So,
he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in
broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old
antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for
the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging
himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his
bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed
to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the
landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but
under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling
down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the
floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So
he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen.
He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on
the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water,
whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most
of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the
ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and
tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he
grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall
and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got
electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[yoopers]

Johnny: If you were being chased by a bear through the woods and came across a tall tree and a church, where would you go?

Bravo: I'd run into the church.

Johnny: You mean you'd run into a church with a bear behind?

[UniBrier]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, that wasn't a very Christian thing to do. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two men helped us? I think you should go help him -- you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[gerblefranklin]

Originally posted by Jethro
MIKE IS DEAD
etc...
"He was wrecking my house."

Reminds me of an ironic way to die. A woman was skydiving when her parachute suffered a double malfunction (first chute won't open and nor will the backup). She died of electrocution.

What happened was that her backup chute opened but tangled, yet she was lucky enough to get caught by some high voltage power transmission lines that broke her fall. She survived that part, but then, as the lines hung lower, she touched the ground...

[yoopers]

Yahoo! link to an article. Catchy title!


• Brake problems halt Amtrak's Acela service

[GILD]

i can see that article title popping up in future email lists of funny headlines

[UniBrier]

There's just too many good ones to post so excuse the link:

http://www.women-outdoors.com/traditional/country_sayings.htm

[yoopers]

Old but ran across it again today:

IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE MANAGEMENT THAT EMPLOYEES EXPIRING ON THE JOB ARE FAILING TO FALL DOWN. AS THIS MAKES IT EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO TELL THE DEAD EMPLOYEES FROM OUR LIVE EMPLOYEES, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ANY EMPLOYEE CAUGHT DEAD IN AN UPRIGHT POSITION WILL BE DROPPED FROM THE PAYROLL.

SIGNED,
THE MANAGEMENT

[andrew_carter]

From a Family Guy episode...

[Family is trying to hide from mobsters]
Peter Griffin : Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England]
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
[They drive up]
Englishman: Oh Reginald... I disagree!
[drives off]

:)

Andrew

[One on one]

This was in today's paper.

[UniTyler]

Wow, One on One lives in Massachusetts and UniBrier lives in Washinton, yet they both have the same comic in their paper!!! :confused:

[GILD]

it's called syndication

when did unibrier post that cartoon?

[UNIquelyCanadian]

That's really cool! Despite the juggling part.

[UniBrier]

Originally posted by GILD
when did unibrier post that cartoon? 25 minutes before in RSU (http://www.unicyclist.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=302147&highlight=#post302147). It is unicycle related after all.:)